AIBU for refusing to go on a couples' holiday because my partner didn't want my son to come?

[Jackthecool]

I’m a single dad with full custody of my 7-year-old son. His mum isn't in the picture, so it’s always been just the two of us against the world. I’ve been dating my girlfriend for a year, and while she gets along great with him, she definitely prefers our "adults-only" time when my mum babysits once a week.
For her upcoming milestone birthday, she wants to go on a two-week tropical holiday. I assumed we’d make it a family trip, but she explicitly asked that my son stay behind with my elderly parents so we could have "romantic, uninterrupted time." Two weeks is way too long for me to leave him, especially since he deals with mild separation anxiety, so I told her I could only manage a 3-day weekend alone, or we’d have to bring him along.
She is now furious, claiming I have "no identity outside of being a father," that I'm suffocating my kid, and that she deserves to be a priority for her birthday. My family thinks she's being incredibly short-sighted to expect a single parent to abandon their child for a fortnight, but she feels totally rejected. AIBU for digging my heels i
n?

This is why I mostly only dated other parents, they understand on a visceral level that children will come first, which prevents it being a source of conflict. Of course you are right and it would be shitty to leave your DC. It is reasonable that she does not understand, if she has no children of her own, but this is a fundamental compatibility problem.

If I was to end up single I would never entertain a relationship with someone who doesn't have children, they just don't get it.
Of course you can't leave your son for 2 week to go on holiday with her. Not many parents would leave their child for that long, let alone a child who doesn't have their mother around. She needs to realise that she will never be prioritised over your son whilst he is a child and if this isn't good enough,the relationship needs to end.

I don’t think this relationship has legs. You’re in a tricky dating situation (as are many single parents who have no involvement from the other parent - more commonly women), and if you are going to date it has to be someone who fully appreciates that and the implications.
i have a boyfriend/partner who is widowed and as a result has his son all the time. It means we can’t go away together very easily. But I was fully aware of that and want to be with him plus his son is 14 so it will get easier in a few years time. It also means I don’t feel pressure as he understands my dc are my priority too.
if you’re dating someone without kids it’s quite a lot to ask and it has to be the right person who gets it. She doesn’t sound like she’s it.

Bin her. She’s a selfish woman and you are right to prioritise your child.

I think you’re being very reasonable and a long weekend is a sensible and suitable solution. Expecting others to dedicate two weeks abroad to acknowledge your birthday is ridiculously self indulgent - regardless of their parenting status. She is definitely not step mum material.

It is fully understandable that a child free woman wants to be free to go on 2 week tropical holidays.

Less understandable that she just doesn’t get what it means for you to be a parent. Or what the needs of a child are. Or feel any empathy for that.

She wants a man without parental responsibilities. She is not prepared to slot in alongside you and your Ds.

Obviously you can’t leave your child for two weeks , and what would it achieve? Long term she isn’t step mum material.

In the bin for her.

I would worry too about the future with your girlfriend— does she want children? I can imagine your son will always be second best if you have a baby together. I can’t see how it’s going to work and I think you’re right to worry. She’s not right for you.

18th ? 21st ? Also a week or a fortnight ?

End it. Your boy comes first. What a selfish woman.

You’re absolutely not unreasonable - she is beyond a shadow of a doubt

Don’t even agree to three days: if she agreed to scale back she would hold it against you and your son forever. Just bin her off. I am not one of those mumsnetters who oppose second relationships, blended families, or a healthy adult sex life that is separate to parenting. Bit this woman doesn’t appreciate that you are a parent with a very young child. She does not recognize this priority or how special this stage is.

Go for an older more mature person who either is at a similar stage/has children or who is content to be together apart snd is self sufficient rather than needy.

Get rid of her.

Girlfriend sounds awful, you’re right to prioritise your son.

You are putting your child first. Dont change that. If dating a single parent isnt for her she needs to not date one rather than trying to get one to put his child on the back burner for her.

What you have there is an evil step mother in the making.

It is incredibly entitled of her to think she should be prioritised for two week just for a birthday and to expect your parents to do a whole two weeks of childcare. If she doesn’t want the best for your child, she doesn’t love you in the way you deserve because anything that hurts your son is obviously going to hurt you too.

Both you and your son will be better off if you remove this selfish creature from your lives entirely.

You and your son deserve better!!! Hope you find someone special.

Set the girl free so she's not lumbered with a bloke with a kid. She doesn't want to play mummy to your kid

That relationship is going nowhere

She knew you had a child. It is unreasonable of her to expect you to leave your DS for 2 weeks. If she does this now, is this going to be something that continues to be a sticking point in the future? Probably.

Doesn't sound like she is the one for you.

Ditch the bitch.

She's barely tolerating your son now, that's not going to improve as things progress.

Wanting her birthday to be priority for one evening - perfectly fair. 3 days away is a very generous offer.

Expecting 2 weeks and kicking off like that at not getting it shows you who she really is.

Throw this one back, there are far far nicer women out there who would love you for the fact you are a great Dad, not despite it.

I met my husband when his son was 7. I don’t think we had a “couples” holiday for a good decade. We had little mini breaks when he was with his mum, but holidays were very much family time. And I admired my husband for putting his son first, the way he was as a dad. I thought it was how he would be as a father to our possible future children too. I’m not saying it was always easy, but it was what I signed up for when I fell for a man with a child.

It’s only for a few years. They grow up and find their own way. Go on holiday with their mates. And you realise that you miss them!

I don’t know about ‘great dad’. It’s entirely standard parental responsibility stuff. When you are his sole parent and the alternative is elderly parents it’s obviously not reasonable to leave him for two weeks.
Is she younger? Based on your parents being elderly and her being immature! I reckon she’s 30 and you’re nearer 40.

She sounds a little spoilt, and I agree with a pp who suggested the milestone is 25.

However, neither of you is wrong, but you are wrong for each other. She's entitled to want a 2-week romantic holiday without a small kid running around and climbing into your bed (her perspective) and you're entitled to refuse to go for so long without him from your perspective.

She will end up resenting your child and you will end up resenting her. Put your child first and let her find someone without children. Both your viewpoints are completely valid.

YANBU and rightly your child comes first which she isn’t happy about

time to end the relationship methinks

Sounds like you have 2 children. 🙄 She's acting like a toddler.

You're a father. With complete responsibility for a young child.

Your girlfriend clearly resents this. So why are you still together?