AIBU for refusing to go on a couples' holiday because my partner didn't want my son to come?

[Jackthecool]

I’m a single dad with full custody of my 7-year-old son. His mum isn't in the picture, so it’s always been just the two of us against the world. I’ve been dating my girlfriend for a year, and while she gets along great with him, she definitely prefers our "adults-only" time when my mum babysits once a week.
For her upcoming milestone birthday, she wants to go on a two-week tropical holiday. I assumed we’d make it a family trip, but she explicitly asked that my son stay behind with my elderly parents so we could have "romantic, uninterrupted time." Two weeks is way too long for me to leave him, especially since he deals with mild separation anxiety, so I told her I could only manage a 3-day weekend alone, or we’d have to bring him along.
She is now furious, claiming I have "no identity outside of being a father," that I'm suffocating my kid, and that she deserves to be a priority for her birthday. My family thinks she's being incredibly short-sighted to expect a single parent to abandon their child for a fortnight, but she feels totally rejected. AIBU for digging my heels i
n?

You sound lovely, she does not.
prioritise your son and get rid of her. Even if she agrees and gives up on this 2 week notion, the fact she’s had a tantrum about it proves she shouldn’t date a single parent.

Do you want your child to grow up with someone who barely tolerates them?

To be clear neither of you are wrong. You are just wildly incompatible.

I am a mum of two and my partner their dad already has an older child. I would feel the same as your partner and not want any kids there and would not want to make my birthday a family trip. I however wouldn’t expect my partner to leave his eldest behind for two weeks. I fully understand you need family time but I also understand she wants 1-1 time with you also where your just you not just dad.

it’s not the same we can fully always say we can love and treat a child that isn’t ours the same but it’s not always the case. I don’t feel that way but that being said my step child has a perfectly good mum so I don’t neeed to step into a loving role I’m there to be their friend not parent them so maybe she feels the parenting is your role and nothing to do with her

She doesnt sound like a dick or any other of the nasty things said on here, but the amount of internalised misogyny on Mumsnet never ceases to amaze. So many women happy to condemn a woman they've never met.

Nonetheless two weeks is too long if you have a child with separation anxiety and as your partner doesn't have children she won't understand it on a visceral level. Perhaps you would be better served focusing on your child and staying single.

Also the us against the world dynamic sounds quite intense and in itself could be feeding into your son's over dependence on your presence.

This relationship can only end in disaster and misery for someone - probably your son.

She isn't cut out to have a serious relationship with a parent.

Put your child first of course, end this relationship and move on.

I posted to dump the gf.
However, OP is a single dad. Why is he pursuing a relationship with someone so obv wrong for his situation. Makes him a bit of a dick as well. He's looking for a nanny with a fanny and he's getting pushback.
OP needs to re-evaluate how he presents his situation to potential partners and be realistic and honest with what he can offer.

A compromise might be a 2 week holiday but take your parents (obviously in a different room!) so you get couples time knowing he's safe and happy, plus if this woman is decent and in it for the long term, she presumably wants to get to know your family?
But is she, though? No parent I know would leave their little kid for 2 weeks except for unavoidable things like illness/work.

He offered her a couples only alternative of a long weekend, which is an acceptable amount of time to leave a 7 year old boy with no mother alone. The girlfriend had a hissy fit and said this wasn’t good enough. So I’m not sure your post is relevant tbh…

Tell her to fuck right off and to fuck off some more when she gets there.
Your better off single this day and age.

Fundamental mismatch. It won't work.

Your relationship isnt going to work. You are not compatible. She wants to be the centre of your universe and she never will be. You are a dad. You will always be a dad. Your child, rightly, will always be your priority. You beef to find someone that respects that and love that about you. Not someone that resents it and trying to gain the number 1 spot.

It was on a whole. If she refused 3 days then that’s on her I forgot to add met her in the comfortable middle and it’s not good enough so she misses out totally and only got herself to blame. I was trying to say some women don’t just want to jump into playing step mum and will rather have 1-1 time occasionally and also just become a child’s friend not a mother figure

She's not horrible, she just has expectations of this relationship that you can't meet. In her mind, seeing her ideal and proposed two week holiday cut down to 3 days max probably does seem like a heavy-handed correction. She might have been disappointed with a week but have eventually seen it as a fair compromise. If she has friends with children, she may be comparing you to them and interpreting your cautiousness and conservatism as both potentially smothering overprotectiveness of your son AND lack of care for her.

I had to read your post again to see the mention of the separation anxiety and realise that maybe three days really is the only option for an adults-only trip. If she has somehow missed this piece, I can see why she is upset while to you, knowing firsthand what you do about being a single parent and about your son's specific needs, it feels logical and obvious. The normal 50/50 sharing and compromise in a relationship no longer works when one of you is solely responsible for a child, especially one with additional needs, and she hasn't had the experience - first or probably even second-hand - to understand why that has to be the case.

Even if you did go a 3-day or 1 week trip, your girlfriend has to understand that you don't stop being a dad even during a "couple" holiday - you're still going to call your son, check in with your parents, be thinking about seeing your child when you get home, perhaps shopping for presents for him, worrying from time to time, etc. And if something happened, you would have to drop everything and get home ASAP. If she can't cope with all of that and trust you to try to split your time and attention as well as you can, then the relationship probably isn't sustainable, at least not on any serious basis. There's no need for anyone to be to blame, but probably also no point in continuing.

She perfectly entitled to “want” and adult only couples holiday.

However she’s decided to date a single dad who has sole custody of his son so that’s not possible.

You’re not comparable so end it.

Fwiw you sound great and she doesn’t deserve you anyway.

I wouldn't feel happy with going away for two weeks either. You're just in completely different places and she's not cut out for a relationship with a partner who isn't solely focussed on her - it isn't going to work.

Of course she’s not wrong to want that. But she’s wrong to demand it from a single dad, who has full time custody of a very young child, and no mother / second parent in the picture. Neither of them are wrong, but they are not compatible at the moment. She needs to get together with someone with no kids, or someone who has their kids every other weekend. If she expects 2 week long couples only holidays and is going to throw her toys out of the pram when she doesn’t get it, I have no idea why she would pick someone like OP, or why OP would stay with her. It’s just not going to work and the poor 7 year old boy is the one who will suffer.

You sound like a wonderful father. Your GF, on the other hand, sounds like she's not quite grown-up yet. And if, by some chance, she's over 30, I'd seriously give her a swerve as she'll have no intention of giving your child the love and attention he deserves.

Oh come off it, the way she's behaved is horrible - this is fucking horrible:

She is now furious, claiming I have "no identity outside of being a father," that I'm suffocating my kid, and that she deserves to be a priority for her birthday.

if she came to the realisation that she wants more than OP can give and ended things on that basis (calmly, not flouncing), that would be fair enough, but making demands snd being insulting like this is horrible.ù

She's not in the right place for this kind of relationship. I'd end it and advise her to find someone without kids.

She is an idiot for thinking that a single dad with no mum in the picture would leave their 7 year old for 2 weeks with elderly grandparents. Particularly when the child had separation anxiety.

Because at the moment she clearly doesn’t see it as an unreasonable request.

That’s why I said it.

This is a child who only has one parent, so it isn’t a reasonable expectation from the girlfriend this time. This isn’t you, or any of your friends- this is the OP’s child and he is uncomfortable with it.

YANBU. A weekend would be an option, but 2 weeks without your son is too long. She needs to accept you are the sole parent for your son, with all the time that entails, or she needs to move on

Hmm I'm a single parent and my child's grandmother took them away on a 2 week holiday.

I was very happy about it never mind refusing to let her have them. Certainly didn't feel like it was too long to be away from tgem

She's not 'horrible' or a 'bitch'; she's perfectly reasonable. A 'romantic holiday' with an unrelated 7-year-old child in tow would be a boring hell. But then she shouldn't date single dads. You're not compatible; it's not going to work.