AIBU to think a New Zealand wedding is too much to expect?

[Hadenoughbringmechocolate]

I am looking for thoughts as am genuinely torn on this issue.

My husbands sibling has informed us they are getting married in 18 months time. We are delighted for them- their partner is lovely. The dilema is that they are planning the wedding in New Zealand. The entirety of my husbands family live in the UK, my soon to be SILs family are in NZ. The reason for having the wedding there is that the NZ family members would not be able to afford to travel here (or anywhere halfway).

AIBU to think it is a huge presumption that the UK contingent can all afford to go? Everyone who has been invited is ok money-wise as far as I know, but this will mean intense saving and no other holidays etc to allow us to attend. It will also mean using the vast majority of holiday days that we have for the year.

On the one hand I think we just get on with it, we are so happy for the couple. On the other - we are a family of four and will likely be paying more than the cost of the wedding to travel there / hotels etc and it is a bit much to expect?

My view has always been its an invite not a summons, and if you plan these sorts of trips you have to expect people may not be able to go. However it has quickly become obvious that there is a high level of expectation (and emotional guilt tripping) for those who have tentatively said it may be too much for them to do.

We did a beach wedding in NZ with local friends and PIL. Then a year later flew over to UK to have the 'big' wedding (church etc) with all my family. We stayed for a month and honeymooned dotting around Europe.

2 people came from NZ for the UK wedding, because they wanted to see London etc. No one from the UK came to the NZ wedding as it was quite a small, casual affair.

That way we got to see everyone and everyone felt included, but the expense was mostly ours. It's just something you have to budget for when you choose to live far away from one or both sides of your family.

It’s an amazing place. You’ve been given a reason to go. If you can make it work financially, just go and enjoy it. Have some steak and white wine for me - I’m not even someone who likes those things normally but the quality in NZ was something else.

no you don’t have to go, and if you genuinely can’t I’d be ignoring any attempts to guilt trip - - but if it’s remotely workable I’d just see it as a great opportunity and grab it, tbh.

That’s a bit of a pathetic reason. One night off revision wouldn’t have affected her at all

The sun strength is a factor

Personally with that much notice I’d try to make it happen. But I suppose only you know what it means financially/logistically. it probably depends on the age of your kids if it’s logistically a complete nightmare or has the potential to be a great family holiday with an amazing wedding too. Kids being under 5 would probably make it awful (imo).

It’s Natural to want people to be as excited as you are about your wedding. So for them it’s all about heart. You’re thinking with your head which is also natural in your position.

I think the suggestion of a party (you can have a ceremony at a party… either with a professional or a friend doing it ) paid for by those who can’t go to NZ would be lovely. realistically even just your family would be saving £Ks so therefore able to put a reasonable amount towards something!

Quite right.

Don't go anywhere.🙄

Hmmm, two adults with salaries paying for a ticket each and then undoubtedly staying with and eating with her family will be very different to the cost of four pretty much adult (which is what you have) flights, travel, food and accommodation.

I would throw that amount out there to make your BIL think. Nobody should be guilt tripped into spending a small fortune on someone else’s wedding.

Will suggest to my husband, he is most likely to be able to land this with his brother.

I wouldn't be going based on their entitled attitude to be honest.

I'd make it clear to them that it'll cost you in the region of £20K and you cannot afford that. No other explanation needed.

It's very reasonable for the bride to wed in her home country, it's very unreasonable for them to guilt-trip guests into paying tens of thousands to attend.

Not to mention, what happens if they split up before the wedding? You'll have paid for a hugely expensive trip that you wouldn't have booked if it wasn't for the wedding, at an expensive time of the year (Christmas).

If I were to go to NZ or any other very expensive holiday, it would purely be on our own terms of my own immediate family.

ETA and it actually angers me that your DH's side of the family are now expected to spend (collectively) tens of thousands to attend, based on the B&G's decision that DH's family are better off. Well, they bloody won't be after paying out for this trip!

I married overseas. Siblings came, partners and kids did not.

If it’s somewhere you’d like to visit anyway why not go all in have a massive save and enjoy a big family trip with a wedding just being one part of the adventure? We did a 2018 trio for my oblongs big birthday, we kind of used that as the excuse and travelled around Australia, Indonesia and stopped off in Singapore as well it was amazing 2.5 weeks our boys were young teens and it’s actully the last time we’ve travelled as a family as we now all do different things and they are off away.

@Hadenoughbringmechocolate Yes, relatives sometimes don't consider what it costs to transport, house and feed four people. Plus the cost of pet sitting if you have pets. Hearing the actual number might make an impact though.

I won't bore you with the details, but this is an ongoing issue with one of DH's sisters who refuses to travel during the holiday season (we're in the US). I don't think it occurs to her how much it costs for four of us to travel!

I would price this up anyway, him alone, only staying for the relevant days, sleeping on peoples floors? And see what you come up with.

Who is going with your mother in law, or is she strong enough to make the journey alone?

Not the same logistics, but the same attitudes: my lifelong best friend and their parents (who were my 'mum & dad no.2') missed my wedding. Another long-term friend of theirs' DC got married the same day. Mum & dad no. 2 said 'sorry, they will take umbrage and never forgive us if we don't go, but we know you will be understanding' (which I was). This was all in the same country, just different cities. As it happened, we had a gathering a week later for wider family at their end, and they came. Main character syndrome in the other friends.

Not read the full thread so this might have already been asked but where do the bride and groom live, UK or NZ?

Food for thought… NZ wedding attendance for your family is £15-20K
Average cost of a UK wedding is £22K.
The average cost of a wedding in New Zealand ranges, but equates to roughly £13,700 to £17,200

Who is going with your mother in law, or is she strong enough to make the journey alone?

@NoCommentingFromNowOn Good point, it sounds as if she needs someone to be there for her during the trip given that her health isn't great. Perhaps your DH could be her main support person and explain to his brother that while it's too expensive for all four of you to come, he'll ensure that their Mum is OK throughout the trip, i.e. take that stress off the wedding party.

I can see why that might raise some eyebrows!

If they are Y10, Y12 or uni age it is worth checking dates with exams. It varies from college to college but we've taken teens abroad in Y12 and had them spend the entire holiday in their bedroom revising, or writing an NEA, which impacted on everyone. Not necessarily a reason not to do it but definitely would make it harder for me to spend that much money. That said of course teens do still holiday between age 14 & 19. Maybe we just got unlucky and had particularly stressy teens.

Tempting to say to you BIL it's 4x your annual family holiday budget (or whatever) which might help convey that it may just be genuinely out of reach. Double's one thing but there's a limit.

One of the best countries in the world. It will be a life long memorable trip. Make it into a grand adventure.

Celebrate & enjoy.

@SharingMyOpinion Yes, but it has to be paid for!

Really, this OP. It is a fabulous destination.

It's a happy celebration and they are at least seeming to want family, at least.

If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. Don't lose a night's sleep over that.The couple aren't going to hold it against anyone. They'd just love as many as possible to make it. Isn't that the right spirit?

In all honesty expecting family/friends to travel to NZ for a wedding is being unrealistic. I think if a couple plan a wedding abroad (regardless of the country or distance), then you have to expect people to not be able to attend.

It's not just the flights, it's accommodation/spending money/annual leave/wedding outfits etc. You're not paying for 1 person to travel, there will be 4 of you to pay for.

If the bride/groom/other family are putting pressure/emotional blackmailing you into attending, then that's extremely poor behaviour. That in itself would make me not to want to attend!!

The simplest solution would be to have 2 smaller weddings. One in NZ where the bride's family can attend and another in the UK so the groom's family can attend. Of course, it will be more expensive but that's the compromise that they need to make.

You need to do what's best for your family, not what others want you to do.

I really like his way of thinking!

Who is the high level of expectation and emotional guilt-tripping actually coming from?