AIBU to think a New Zealand wedding is too much to expect?

[Hadenoughbringmechocolate]

I am looking for thoughts as am genuinely torn on this issue.

My husbands sibling has informed us they are getting married in 18 months time. We are delighted for them- their partner is lovely. The dilema is that they are planning the wedding in New Zealand. The entirety of my husbands family live in the UK, my soon to be SILs family are in NZ. The reason for having the wedding there is that the NZ family members would not be able to afford to travel here (or anywhere halfway).

AIBU to think it is a huge presumption that the UK contingent can all afford to go? Everyone who has been invited is ok money-wise as far as I know, but this will mean intense saving and no other holidays etc to allow us to attend. It will also mean using the vast majority of holiday days that we have for the year.

On the one hand I think we just get on with it, we are so happy for the couple. On the other - we are a family of four and will likely be paying more than the cost of the wedding to travel there / hotels etc and it is a bit much to expect?

My view has always been its an invite not a summons, and if you plan these sorts of trips you have to expect people may not be able to go. However it has quickly become obvious that there is a high level of expectation (and emotional guilt tripping) for those who have tentatively said it may be too much for them to do.

But then people weren’t there for the ‘wedding’ which goes back to the initial problem

They can host where they like, they can't insist people spend thousands attending it. And they shouldn't assume that even if you can afford it that this is what you would prefer to spend your money on. If it is your husband's sibling, why doesn't he go on his own? I know this might mean you'd not have annual leave for a family holiday but it would be just this one year and might be a good compromise?

AIBU to think it is a huge presumption that the UK contingent can all afford to go

Well it's not a presumption.... it's simply an invitation. I'm sure they will understand if it's too much for some people, but they are giving you the option. Imagine how you'd feel if they hadn't bothered to invite you at all? Now that would have been a presumption. That you couldn't afford it or wouldn't make the effort, or didn't mind if you missed it.

They already know the Kiwi side would struggle to afford coming to the UK. Perhaps if your future SIL is going to be living in the UK with your brother they figured the British side of the family will get to see them much more regularly, so they should do this for the NZ side. I get that. It's not like it's one of those self indulgent destination weddings, they genuinely are split between two countries and they have to pick one.

If you can't afford it or simply don't want to prioritise the money or the time then just decline gracefully. Perhaps they'll host a party in the UK when they get home for those who couldn't make it. And these days no-one needs to miss a wedding because it can be streamed live to anywhere.

It is coming from both of them, in the form of how much it would mean to UK sibling for family to be there. Which I totally get. But there doesn't seem to be the understanding (yet) that lots of posters have that they may not have everyone they want there.

If you can afford it I’d go. It would be the trip of a lifetime. However if you can’t afford it….thats it

They are already not there for the wedding if the one they attend is not the legal ceremony. You can only do that bit once.

‘Sorry SIL, we don’t have the money for the trip but hope you have a lovely wedding’
In addition to the cost, a trip to NZ is pretty brutal especially for older travellers. It’s not one I’d be prepared to do in my 60s and I’m physically fit. I’d need at least a seat in Premium Evonomy!

I’d go. But mainly because love to visit NZ.

But there are being CF and completely unreasonable expecting and pressuring people to attend.

For a sibling I was close to, if I could I would do it. It's one year, it will be your main holiday. I bet it will be an amazing time.

Depending on the time of year, you will be looking at c.£10k for four of you. NZ is incredibly expensive. I’m a kiwi living in the UK and we went home for a wedding and it cost £9k for 4 of us for just over a fortnight’s stay, and that was staying with family apart from the 2 days of the wedding. If you want to make a holiday out of it, budget even more.
When my sibling married, I just popped out there for 10 days as we couldn’t afford for all of us to go at that stage.

How much do you estimate the cost to be and how long would you have to stay?

Think this will highlight their first encounter with marrying a person from the other side of the world. Tough decisions will have to be made through their married life for one person, when a parent is ill or dying they’ll have to choose if they can afford to come home, work leave, leave their children etc. Missing out on family celebrations, funerals etc.

I’m not saying they shouldn’t marry but this is the first choice they’ll have to make. They will realise, when they get wedding invites declined, that they can’t expect people to make a trip of a lifetime to attend their wedding.

Your husband should have a gentle word with his brother to explain that he has to expect people not to go and to be gracious about it.

Saying that, NZ is amazing and a family friendly place to go. It would be amazing wonderful experience but I do think the bride and groom need to be realistic

They've even put out ideas on saving plans "it would just be x amount a month". That didn't land too well with some of the older guests!

I don't suppose it did; it's only natural that they're excited about the wedding and would love people to come, but that's just insolent

it's also natural to have the wedding there since it was the bride's home, but it's a shame they think a second event in the UK would be too expensive. Apart from the irony it wouldn't have to be, especially with a willing family to help

If you're not going I wouldn't say "maybe" and risk getting their hopes up though - better that they come to terms with it now rather than causing angst nearer the day

The wedding celebration would be three days in total including set up of venue (which family are being asked to help with), wedding itself and then a lunch the day after. I think we'd want to spend two weeks there as a holiday. Looking at just under three weeks in total when considering flight time. All costs to be covered by guests other than the day itself and the lunch the next day. Flights look like 8k, accomodation and everything else on top- £15-20k all in?

How old are your dc OP? Have you been to NZ before?

When you have a destination wedding. You have to understand not everyone can afford to go

Never been before - looks fantastic so it is somewhere we would like to go to.

DC are teenagers so flights manageable.

It’s a big ask and hopefully they will be understanding if you can’t make it. I hate when people think it’s ok to spend other peoples money.

And why have they not suggested this to the nz relatives?

It is entirely reasonable for the wedding to be in NZ.
But the inevitable outcome is that not all the family will be able to get there. The couple need to accept that completely and not be trying to nudge people (it's only £x per month) or make them feel guilty. That is the bit that feels unacceptable.

I don't think it's presumptuous Op: they have guests and family in two locations that are both far apart and they have chosen a) the bride's home, which is more traditional and b) the more exciting destination for a holiday. Two weddings isn't normal, and picking somewhere between the two is the worst of all options.

You don't need to feel guilt tripped not to go. It is a long and expensive trip - but so is the reverse.

It's a beautiful country and if you are at all interested in going, this is the nudge/excuse you need.

Oh I think they’re very aware it’s likely that not everyone will be there.
Thats why there is such pressure from them.

Probably also a way to alleviate the guilt that the groom won’t have all the people important to him present.

There’s really no easy answer there. If the wedding had been in the U.K., the situation would have been the same but for the bride (maybe worse)

My MIL may have quietly said this to me... she'll go (health currently ok) as would not want to miss her sons wedding and loves his partner but its a big ask for someone in their late 70s.

She does understand why the bride wants her wedding in her home country, so there's no malice but the budgeting suggestion caused this comment and a raised eyebrow.

Because the bride wants her wedding in her homeland. I can understand that. It is traditional for the bride to be married from home.

Nonsense! My parents just came back from a round the world trip and they are nearly 80.