AIBU to think a New Zealand wedding is too much to expect?

[Hadenoughbringmechocolate]

I am looking for thoughts as am genuinely torn on this issue.

My husbands sibling has informed us they are getting married in 18 months time. We are delighted for them- their partner is lovely. The dilema is that they are planning the wedding in New Zealand. The entirety of my husbands family live in the UK, my soon to be SILs family are in NZ. The reason for having the wedding there is that the NZ family members would not be able to afford to travel here (or anywhere halfway).

AIBU to think it is a huge presumption that the UK contingent can all afford to go? Everyone who has been invited is ok money-wise as far as I know, but this will mean intense saving and no other holidays etc to allow us to attend. It will also mean using the vast majority of holiday days that we have for the year.

On the one hand I think we just get on with it, we are so happy for the couple. On the other - we are a family of four and will likely be paying more than the cost of the wedding to travel there / hotels etc and it is a bit much to expect?

My view has always been its an invite not a summons, and if you plan these sorts of trips you have to expect people may not be able to go. However it has quickly become obvious that there is a high level of expectation (and emotional guilt tripping) for those who have tentatively said it may be too much for them to do.

The cost of flights alone for your family would be more expensive than a uk wedding will cost if they did 2 weddings! Tell the bride and groom that you can’t afford to go to nz and a family of. 4 flights hotel and food etc will be at least £25,000 for a fortnight holiday and you aren’t the only relatives they are expecting to go so a uk celebration would be more realistic! I’m sure the guests would be fine paying for their own food even! Hell of a lot cheaper than the. £££ flights, passports, food, hotels etc! NZ and Australia are one of the most expensive places in the world to live let alone visit! Breakfasts and the odd lunch out cost us £6000 when the in-laws came to visit us!

I have older teens and would be doing all I could to attend but would also need to save and have it as our family holiday.

Is it a time of year you can go and DC miss school/college?
I'd look at flights and see when the cheapest is around your trip via different airports. For example going via Amsterdam might be cheaper as I have family that go to Thailand and missing the Middle East is cheaper.
Can you look at air B&B accommodation and maybe stay in a couple of locations so only with the wedding group for the couple of days. Could you break up the trip and visit some where else on the way there/back?

Yes it's a massive amount of money but you seem to be able to avoid to save for it so it's not an absolute No so for me it's about making it work for your family.

I agree with PP to manage expectations by saying you're not sure at the moment.

I think you are all being killjoys tbh.

It's a lovely invitation for a happy event.

It had to be here or there: that's just the reality of distance. There will be relatives who can't go either way.

Or you could ask him to marry a local girl ...

Where will they live after the wedding? If they plan to live in the UK, I think a NZ wedding is probably fair. (Although it sounds like they probably don't have much of an understanding yet of the extra financial strain that paying for a family entails and are basing expectations on their levels of dispoable income.)

NZ is a great country for a holiday: Auckland, Bay of Islands, Rotorura, Mt Fiji, Cathedral Cove Miflord Sound. I went when my eldest son was 3. We had an amazing time. (I would definitely bow out of any pre wedding prep. The local contingent can do that. This is your expensive holiday after all)

If you decide you can't afford it, your husband should go on his own. He does really need to be there. You and the kids, not so much.

Why should you save up for somebody else's wedding? It'll cost the UK family the price of a celebrity wedding by the time youve all paid. You could club together and buy them a house mortgage-free at that cost! But I bet none of you would consider doing that, yet you are considering frittering away the money on a party. If they had asked you for 20k to contribute to a UK wedding, would you have said yes?

Im not saying you should buy them a house, just pointing out how ridiculous this scheme sounds.

TBH if you can afford it your family would probably have an amazing time, a once in a lifetime type holiday with all the fun of a wedding too.

We have a lot of family in South America. We declined an invite for a wedding this year because we wouldn’t have been able to afford the flights alone. Even just sending DH would have cost the same as a full family holiday in Europe. My kids were also under 5 so I really didn’t fancy the flights or the time difference.

Another family member over there as just got engaged and if they get married next year then we’ll probably have to decline again. Maybe consider sending DH and our eldest but I’ll be on maternity leave and I really don’t think we’ll have the money spare.

For what it’s worth only one or two of these family members came over for our wedding and we understood too, it’s a very long way and an awful lot of money.

The difference is there’s no animosity.

Weve known lots of people have a U.K. wedding and one in their/their partner’s home country. One is usually much less expensive than the other but that’s fine, memories are still made.

Will look at all of these as potential ways to manage, thank you for the suggestions.

Dear DB, we would love to see you get married but estimate it’s going to cost £15-20k for us to come which we just can’t justify. We would love to watch a live stream if that’s possible and will celebrate with you when we next get together.

I think that’s an insane amount to have to fork out and it’s obviously pointless going all that way for a shorter period of time.

When is the wedding? Can your teens get three weeks off school approved anyway?

If it’s fine for her family not to have to fork out an insane amount (that’s well over 3 times what my own wedding cost!) then it’s fine for you to say no and nobody should be guilt tripping you.

We're so sorry, but we'll have to let you know a bit closer to the time. New Zealand is a very long way for us, and the cost of travelling there for the two of us and our teenage kids is quite significant. Even with regular saving and cutting back on other outgoings, we just can't commit at the moment. We really hope you'll understand, and we'll have a much better idea closer to the time, so we'll let you know as soon as we can.

My daughter married someone from the other side of the world (they lived there). Solution was 2 weddings. Mums and dads and siblings (no children or partners) attended both, everyone else went to the one in their own country. The bridal couple are being unreasonable, actually entitled is probably a better term. And it is so cheeky to say it is ‘too expensive’ to have two ceremonies but expect half the party to shell out flights for NZ. Have a smaller celebration then! Someone needs to have a word with the couple and their serious main character syndrome.

I almost feel sorry for them in their naivety because they're going to look back on this one day when they've matured a bit and cringe!

This is going to be the reality of the rest of their life... trips to UK or NZ by them or their families will only be made once in a while, perhaps every two years by them at first but it will peter out. The response to the wedding will hopefully help them to realise that and stop being so naive.

Don't go if you're going to feel some resentment op as spending thousands and thousands and being awfully jet lagged for a month is bad enough, without adding in a sense of duty, pressure and resentment.

Also consider Iran war... prices/cancellations/insurance terms.
Also remember to factor in cost of dresses/suits, shoes, gifts, travel to and from airports, stopover hotels, insurance etc etc

I am going to show my husband all of your messages, has been some helpful ideas. Not sure where we'll land yet but appreciate everyone's input!

I don't think anyone is saying they shouldn't do it, just that they shouldn't expect everyone from the Uk to attend

It will fall majority in school holidays (they planned with this in mind apparently) but NZ summer so Xmas. So flights are even more expensive!

How do your teens feel about this being their only holiday for maybe 3 years?

It sounds an amazing experience for you and your family, but it’s totally understandable if you can’t afford it.

I’m very much in the minority, but I adore a wedding abroad. I love holidays, and a celebration away just adds to it. I appreciate not everyone feels like this though.

I don't think "main character syndrome" is fair when the bride's family is on the other side of the world.

I do agree with that label when the couple choose an exotic location neither of them are connected with and expect everyone to travel, just so their instagram looks more exciting.

But this was a genuine here or there decision and I don't think it is presumptuous; it's just inconvenient for the side of the world that wasn't picked, but one or the other was going to miss the "actual" wedding. You can't get married twice to the same person (or not without a divorce in between) and I suspect the next tussle would be over where the "real" ceremony takes place and which is just a party.

It is perfectly reasonable for them to have chosen NZ for the wedding.

Well that’s entirely individual isn’t it. Some people at 80 are fit and well and capable and others are of significantly deteriorating health. It’s a confidence thing as well.

Fair enough wrt ages of your dc. But do not underestimate the effect of jet lag on all of you - there and back

I do agree with that. But are you sure they aren't just trying to be earnest about including everyone?

There's nothing worse than people saying "Ah well ..."

AIBU to think it is a huge presumption that the UK contingent can all afford to go?

YABU

They can't win if they want to get married together. One side of the family will always be on the wrong continent. The alternative is to try to get married mid-way, so everybody has to travel to a country where the couple has no attachement , and nobody wins.

Of course don't go if it's too expensive or just too difficult, but the couple can't just say "we don't really care if you are here or not" can they?
So of course they will suggest ideas and ways, what else can they do?

That fact hasn't yet dawned on them. We will make it clear if we do go, they would both enjoy NZ so thats another factor to consider (and part of why my husband would want us all to go).

sorry I have no idea what you mean

It is individual. But the confidence thing should be fine if there are others travelling too.

I expect the bride's mum is a similar age ... and would have to travel. That's the fundamental reality here.

No way if it's a big stretch financially. Unless it is your dream holiday. Are there places you'd rather go to OP? If so, it's a no.