AIBU to think a New Zealand wedding is too much to expect?

[Hadenoughbringmechocolate]

I am looking for thoughts as am genuinely torn on this issue.

My husbands sibling has informed us they are getting married in 18 months time. We are delighted for them- their partner is lovely. The dilema is that they are planning the wedding in New Zealand. The entirety of my husbands family live in the UK, my soon to be SILs family are in NZ. The reason for having the wedding there is that the NZ family members would not be able to afford to travel here (or anywhere halfway).

AIBU to think it is a huge presumption that the UK contingent can all afford to go? Everyone who has been invited is ok money-wise as far as I know, but this will mean intense saving and no other holidays etc to allow us to attend. It will also mean using the vast majority of holiday days that we have for the year.

On the one hand I think we just get on with it, we are so happy for the couple. On the other - we are a family of four and will likely be paying more than the cost of the wedding to travel there / hotels etc and it is a bit much to expect?

My view has always been its an invite not a summons, and if you plan these sorts of trips you have to expect people may not be able to go. However it has quickly become obvious that there is a high level of expectation (and emotional guilt tripping) for those who have tentatively said it may be too much for them to do.

My husband is thinking along these lines.. try to save and manage expectations.

If you can afford it, go and make it the trip of a lifetime.

I am generally opposed to destination weddings in general as I think they are an over indulgent imposition that sends a clear message that your poor friends don’t matter.

This is the rare occasion where it would always be a destination wedding for half the guests so having it in NZ is not inherently unreasonable and I wouldn’t resent it like I have resented other abroad weddings.

However while they are not being unreasonable to have it there, you are also not being unreasonable to say you can’t afford the money and annual leave to go.

I would probably want to go though and make a holiday out of it if I could afford to but it’s perfectly fine to say it doesn’t work for you and you’ll celebrate with them when they get home.

Glad you approve! It's just a suggestion and definitely worth exploring. You and DH and whoever else could open up a conversation and suggest a ceremony here, and that the UK side would be willing to host/fund the meal (a simple affair just to get people together and wish them well), as a joint wedding present from all those unable to go.

See what DH thinks.

Getting married when you are from two different countries, let alone when they are that far apart, is a nightmare.
It’s extremely hard to have the people from both sides to be present. I had very few family members on my side at my wedding. It was in the U.K. because my PIL couldn’t travel (farmers) but yes it also I had very few people, let alone friends, who came. It was very one sided.

You can grumble it’s too expensive.
Id also say tyat any comment along the lines of ‘are you sure you won’t mange to come?’ Is about the groom disappointment. Because being the one who has few family/friends isn’t fun.

If they had done the wedding in the U.K. instead, which you seem to think was the logical thing to do, the issue would have been exactly the same but with the bride. Not much fun either.

The bottom line is that no one is forcing you to go. You can say No wo getting upset that you can’t say Yes and hold the groom/bride responsible.
No one is at fault here. It’s just hard circumstances

I’m also reminded of the classiest wedding invitation I have ever heard of where my SIL was invited by an American friend to her wedding in New York. The marrying couple paid for the flights and 4 nights in a hotel for both SIL and db. That’s how you do it

Cheeky fuckery the wedding edition.

They can get married wherever they want but it’s madness expecting everyone to be able to attend. Not just for the cost but the time off work, health, other commitments etc etc.

The bride isn’t unreasonable to want the wedding home in NZ but I agree that she’s being unreasonable with the expectations. I would personally send my h so that you can say yes now rather than have to scrimp.

It’s a shame that they aren’t doing 2 ceremonies so family can attend one ceremony.

Personally I think they’ve given a lot of notice, it will be a once in a live time holiday, your DH gets to be there for his brother and I presume you children would have some part in the wedding party which will be exciting for them. So I would go

DH can tell his sibling you both won’t be attending due to cost. End of!

I suspect the pressure you’re feeling is a mix of
1- your DH sibling being worried that few close family members will be there
2- tension from the bride and groom having to take a decision in where the wedding will be. I wouldn’t be surprised the groom feels he has made a huge concession there and is hoping as many close relatives/friends as possible will be there. It might be that he/they have somehow convinced themselves people would make the effort as a way to make a NZ wedding more palatable

Who is saying that the expectations towards the groom’s family is coming from her and not him?

I had a very good friend who got married on the other side of the world in her DH home country (where they were living at the time). As others have said they live streamed the wedding, her parents and brother went but noone else and they had a party in the UK 6 months later we all came to. I personally wouldn't go, and I'm sure most people will make the same decision. The guilty tripping is silly and someone from their close family should probably tell them to stop it..

The husband to be may rethink the plans if nobody goes from his side.

DS and DDIL got married in South Frica where DDIL comes from. We couldnt go so they decided on two ceromonies.
Her Parents helped pay for the ceremony in SA and we paid for the one here.
It was perfect as all his family and friends including is 80 year old Grandfather could make it. Much the better way to do it.

I don’t agree with people saying two ceremonies is the answer - only one of those ceremonies will be the real one. The other one will just be play acting, what’s the point?

"I'd announce my non-attendance early it might embolden other people to save thousand of pounds."

I agree with this. As others have said lovely to be invited but they can't set expectations. And yes a kindness to others to comment early.

Nope. They are entitled muppets if they think everyone should go.

How old are your children? If old enough to enjoy it, I would consider saving up and going.

We had a fantastic trip to Australia with three kids to visit relatives who had emigrated - they all agree it was their best holiday ever. We went economy - no way could have afforded business - but the space was a lot more generous than your typical European flight - and the plane journey was long but fine .. each child with their own TV to watch or play games on so no squabbling! It would have been really hard with a toddler admittedly - our youngest child was 8 at the time. We were used to driving to the south of France in one go and it was a lot easier.

We've subsequently been to NZ and found it a brilliant holiday destination. We walked on a glacier, we cycled, we visited the original bungee-jumping bridge and watched people hurl themselves off, we swam and canoed, we stumbled across baby sea- lions sliding down rocks, we visited a Maori village and walked through geysers spouting steam. I would love to go back.

I personally didn’t feel you could have a ceremony in the two countries. Esp if you start having a church wedding (which we did. It was important to dh)

For me that would have been a ceremony in one country and a party in the other. You only get married and sign paperwork once!
So no the idea of two ceremonies didn’t appeal at all.

You don't need a second ceremony you can just have a party! And the advantage of that is that if it's not a "wedding" it's a lot cheaper as you just pay for whatever someone would pay for a milestone birthday etc.

Tbh I wouldn't use the entire family travel budget/holiday allowance for this and as others have said, it sounds like at least none of it will cause conflict with your husband as you have the same feelings about it.

A friend of ours got married in NZ many years ago. We went and managed to have some holiday but the happy couple had organised a week of activities / dinners etc. so in the end we spent 1 week of our holiday effectively on the wedding. It was all with very good friends so ok as we didn’t have children with us but beware you don’t get caught up in all the events around the wedding and end up with your actual holiday time being severely curtailed. I think the idea of live streaming is a great solution , it means that if family members want to go they can but equally if they Don’t they still get to join in the happy event. I’m with you a wedding invitation is that not a summons and perhaps once the excitement of the happy couple calms down they may be open to a conversation with your DH about the practicalities of a trip to NZ and the reality being they are likely to be a number of family who can’t / won’t travel.

So the couple actually live here?
I’d be miffed at that for sure

Hire a village hall, disco, buffet ?
How much would that cost the happy couple ?

I would not go on principle-if they are expecting people to afford it, then I would want to make it clear that wasn’t ok.