AIBU to think a New Zealand wedding is too much to expect?

[Hadenoughbringmechocolate]

I am looking for thoughts as am genuinely torn on this issue.

My husbands sibling has informed us they are getting married in 18 months time. We are delighted for them- their partner is lovely. The dilema is that they are planning the wedding in New Zealand. The entirety of my husbands family live in the UK, my soon to be SILs family are in NZ. The reason for having the wedding there is that the NZ family members would not be able to afford to travel here (or anywhere halfway).

AIBU to think it is a huge presumption that the UK contingent can all afford to go? Everyone who has been invited is ok money-wise as far as I know, but this will mean intense saving and no other holidays etc to allow us to attend. It will also mean using the vast majority of holiday days that we have for the year.

On the one hand I think we just get on with it, we are so happy for the couple. On the other - we are a family of four and will likely be paying more than the cost of the wedding to travel there / hotels etc and it is a bit much to expect?

My view has always been its an invite not a summons, and if you plan these sorts of trips you have to expect people may not be able to go. However it has quickly become obvious that there is a high level of expectation (and emotional guilt tripping) for those who have tentatively said it may be too much for them to do.

Unless you can somehow find a way to make the NZ trip an extended holiday, which means finding the time and the money, plus getting work to agree to it, I wouldn't be going. The flight alone is a killer.

suggest "saving up"???????
What you do is say something like "we will be delighted to see everyone who can make the trip but understand that its a big ask and it may not be possible" Then shut up.

No January mocks you’ll miss? The absence will almost certainly not be approved by the schools (unless they’re at private then it’s immaterial).

Ha, yes the irony! I imagine that if 1/4 of the cost of going to NZ for each person invited was instead put towards a UK celebration it would more than cover the cost. NOT that I am suggesting in the slightest it should happen but thinking of the irony.

I only mean they may feel they want to demonstrate that they are keen for everyone to come and the invitation was very genuine.

We had friends who got married in India, and when people said they couldn't come, the couple said "Oh no, don't worry: we presumed you couldn't" which, at least, I guess, wasn't guilt trippy, but was still sort of 😐

The reality is the couple will realise not everyone can come, but I think it is the right attitude to try to at least look keen to host them.

This. They’ve given you 18 months’ notice so you have time to save and plan. It will be a great trip all round.

Not sure why you think you will need to use the ‘vast majority of annual leave’ to go. You don’t need 4-5 weeks for a trip to NZ. A friend had a great 2-week holiday there recently.

people will be miffed either way, they can't win! People will take it badly either way.

What's the alternative? Not get married? Or marry someone closer?

For that kind of weddings, people who really want to attend, make the trip. They somehow just do.

Unless it's a way for the couple to avoid certain guests, but that doesnt' seem to be the case.

This is what I think. Exactly.

December is summer in NZ op!😎

the jet lag AND hideous travel if you stick to economy is a bit of a killer to be fair!

I love a wedding abroad - great way to see the country/ culture from a local point of view - with an added holiday. If I could afford it I’d save to go

My husbands sister didn't come to our wedding due to studying for an exam a few weeks away. Our wedding was in the same country as her. Everyone is entitled to say no. I personally wouldnt go due to the financial pressure it would put you under.

there's "keen" and then there is pressure.

Flights in December/January are really expensive and get booked up fairly quickly during the equivalent of UK school summer holidays.

And it can be really hot during those months! You will need to factor in car hire costs too

Mt Fiji...?

Well they might have judged that wrongly. But I don't think words like "presumptuous" or the thread title are fair.

How old are the children? If it’s in Jan 28ish then wouldn’t school be an issue?

That’s not true at all. You can’t just tell someone to feel confident just because other people are there and assume they’ll be fine. You also can’t assume that the parents are the same ages - they could be 15 years apart.

I have just come back from a wedding in Croatia. The bride’s grandmother missed it. She’s 89 but in incredible health. Lives independent, mobile. For all intents and purposes “could” have attended. But she has never been out of the country, let alone been on a plane before. No amount of knowledge that the rest of her family going would have enabled her to feel confident to attend. You just can’t expect that of older people.

Are any of your teens going to be in exam years? Mocks are often December and January.

I've been there at that time of year. It's not this hot!!!

The South Island of NZ isn't very hot at all, so they could skew their travel there. Down by Queenstown is beautiful. As is Milford Sound.

That’s a separate point.

If the trip is over the Christmas holidays then even if the OP insisted on a full 3-week break (not necessary for NZ), it’s only 12 days of annual leave with the 3 bank holidays over that period.

Do you think the B&G realise you're looking at £15k plus??
I think it is worth quoting that figure in correspondence. They might be in denial about the true cost for a family of four.

They won't be (twins)- if they were it would be a lot easier to make the decision as we'd just not be able to go.

We are working with likelihoods because we don't know. The bride's mum might be 102 which is why they chose for her not to be the one travelling.

I'm a bit surprised how many stick in the muds there are on this thread.

The bride comes form a genuinely beautiful country and her family are based there. To me it's a no-brainer for their wedding. No, not everyone will be able to go, but, in this instance, that's the same if they held it in a community hall in Bournemouth.
If I were you and could possibly afford it, I'd be saving and embracing the opportunity OP.

I'm not sure if they do, I assume they must realise what flight costs will be as they have travelled back to see her family once. Perhaps not the whole trip cost.

And most people feel more confident with travel if they can go accompanied by people they know.