AIBU to think a New Zealand wedding is too much to expect?

[Hadenoughbringmechocolate]

I am looking for thoughts as am genuinely torn on this issue.

My husbands sibling has informed us they are getting married in 18 months time. We are delighted for them- their partner is lovely. The dilema is that they are planning the wedding in New Zealand. The entirety of my husbands family live in the UK, my soon to be SILs family are in NZ. The reason for having the wedding there is that the NZ family members would not be able to afford to travel here (or anywhere halfway).

AIBU to think it is a huge presumption that the UK contingent can all afford to go? Everyone who has been invited is ok money-wise as far as I know, but this will mean intense saving and no other holidays etc to allow us to attend. It will also mean using the vast majority of holiday days that we have for the year.

On the one hand I think we just get on with it, we are so happy for the couple. On the other - we are a family of four and will likely be paying more than the cost of the wedding to travel there / hotels etc and it is a bit much to expect?

My view has always been its an invite not a summons, and if you plan these sorts of trips you have to expect people may not be able to go. However it has quickly become obvious that there is a high level of expectation (and emotional guilt tripping) for those who have tentatively said it may be too much for them to do.

I absolutely understand that the bride wants to get married in her own country, as is tradition.

I'd be warmly wishing them a lovely time, but would not be going. It's too expensive, too damn far to travel, and will take too much of your annual holiday allowance.

Unless you genuinely are desperate to go and visit New Zealand.

Otherwise, have a meal with them when they get back, maybe.

Two ceremonies? One there and one here?

I’d very happily, and perfectly reasonably, decline.

Sounds like a great holiday. If you can manage to pay for it, go.

I’m from NZ but live in the UK and got married here. I invited family and friends who live in NZ and Australia and a total of 3 attended, for which I was both delighted and grateful that they made it happen.

When you move countries, particularly long-haul distances, you have to expect that your family and friends are often likely to no longer to able to attend the events that are important to you. Anyone who gets stroppy about that is rude and entitled.

I was living in my dh’s home country when we got engaged so it just seemed obvious to get married there. I understood most people from my side wouldn’t be able to attend due to the cost and the heat. I was just grateful to those who did come. I don’t think people should be guilt tripping you. It’s a very expensive and long trip.

One of the other siblings has gently suggested this as an option that would allow more people to attend. Unfortunately it was very quickly dismissed - too expensive (slightly ironic!)

The opposite would be a presumption that her family could afford to fly here - that sounds as though it's already been considered (and that they can't).

You can either afford it or not. Go or don't go, they can be sad but unless they stump up the cash, they can't do anything to affect that.

Could just your DH attend?

I would go if I was interested in visiting NZ. Otherwise, no.

We think we may be able to afford it but it would be a real stretch.

NZ would be a great holiday, we have never been so that is in the back of my mind.

I’d say I’d love to come. You pay for the flights and we’ll pay for the hotel.

Sadly I think the couple are not quite on the same page, they've even put out ideas on saving plans "it would just be x amount a month". That didn't land too well with some of the older guests!

If you cannot afford the time or money, don’t go. They could have some sort of celebration here as well as in NZ. Most people do this and they don’t expect vast numbers to travel. I know one family where only parents are going from Uk to NZ but they are celebrating here afterwards with the Brits.

This isn't uncommon in Ireland with people going to Australia in their early 20s and meeting a partner and eventually getting married. The common solution is to have two celebrations and live stream the wedding ceremony and speeches from which ever Country the wedding ends up being in for those that can't travel. It seems to work quite well. Travelling to New Zealand is a huge commitment of time and resources for any family at any stage in their life. You have to stand firm and look at some of the solutions to mitigate the impacts of two families being 12,000 miles apart.

I’d go if I wanted to visit the place. I had a colleague who went for a dream 3 week holiday and she didn’t really like it that much.

We have discussed this (I would be supportive)- he doesn't want to do this as he wants to use holiday / savings for our family.

😁

It's fine not to go, but their wedding, their choice and normally the bride wants to be with her family. They can live stream it! It's just one of those things really, nobody at fault.

I totally agree- no issue with them doing whatever they want to do and of course understand why they want to do it there.

The issue has been more the level of expectation (which is fairly obvious when speaking to them) that we can all magic up pots of cash to travel there.

I think it’s fine to organise a wedding in a far flung location, especially when one person is from said country. It’s also perfectly reasonable to decline the invite. Go if you want to and you can make a family holiday out of it, don’t go if you don’t fancy it.

That would make me absolutely resolute that we were not going. That's not just cheeky but frankly rude.

You and your husband are on the same page then. That makes this a 1000 times easier to deal with as you agree as a family what is best for you. Don't be guilt tripped or forced into going when you know it will significantly effect family finances and family opportunities to do things together. You said that it was ironic they think two celebrations would be too expensive (some might use stronger words than ironic) but it doesn't have to be expensive to have a celebration in UK and gifts will cover it.
Everyone can talk to each other on the day on a live stream. The non traveling can gather somewhere to watch and chat. It's not the perfect solution, but it is a solution that works. The bride and groom are coming across as a bit entitled from your posts.

I've had some friends and family do similar but to Aus and South Africa. All of them have a party back in the UK. 1 had a re-doing of the vows in a church and wore her dress again. I'd be asking if they are planning similar because d imagine even with saving, many people aren't keen on an imposed trip like this.

They can have the wedding wherever they like. But you shouldn't be under any pressure whatsoever to go.