To be gently honest with DD 19 about her weight

[lifeinthemidlands]

DD 19 has put on a lot of weight recently as is now objectively overweight (probably obese). She complains about this but continues with appalling eating habit, partly because she is quite unhappy generally. I have tried to support her by cooking healthy meals and suggesting counseling for her wider issues. She continues to wear very skimpy clothes that are now too small for her, and frequently asks me how she looks. Today she was wearing a cropped t shirt and very short skirt and asked me if she looked fat. I said I didn’t think the outfit was particularly flattering and suggested an alternative (it looked pretty awful to be honest). She then got upset and said many of her clothes no longer fit, and she didn’t think she’d put on that much weight. I didn’t say anything, which she took to mean I thought she had (which is true). She’s now upset with me. I don’t think I dealt with the situation brilliantly and was taken a bit by surprise but can’t bring myself to lie. I don’t mention her weight unless she specifically asks. I don’t want her to feel more miserable than she does about her weight but don’t think I should minimize it either. I try to complement her hair / makeup etc. instead. How would others deal with it?

Frankly, tip toe-ing around it will not help her.

She is aware that she has put on weight, the crux is, does she want to change? If she doesn't, that's up to her. But, if she does, you can support and encourage.

ive noticed a lot of fat young people don’t care what they look like or wear . I don’t know why she can’t see that an outfit is unflattering.

You don’t need to say anything, she already knows she of overweight, she knows the right things to eat, she knows the clothes are too small.

Leave her to work it out herself.

All you need to do is to tell her you love her, and how amazing she is.

Ouch!

I think I'd go down the line of everyone will have clothes that look nicer on them than others. Clothes that fit look better.
And that the problem with being larger isn't that it makes you unattractive or a bad person, which it doesn't, its that it isn't great for health.
That you are happy to give her healthy meals and do an excercise plan with her if she want to be healthier.
You need to keep a clear distinction between the aesthetics of weight, ie, fat as ugly, and the health issue.

So how would you answer the question about how her outfit looked?

Does she buy and prepare her own food? Perhaps frame it terms of health and feeling good rather than fatness and looks. Tell her you can support her to get to a healthier weight if she would like.

But true . Pussy footing around and saying things look great when they don’t doesn’t help anyone .
( not saying OP has done this ) . We have an
obesity crisis now whereas previously people saw / felt they were putting on a few pounds and resolved to lose it . Now kids are just eating themselves to illness and disease .

I think this is what I’ve tried to do, but her self esteem is low and the weight gain makes it even lower. I’m actually worried she’ll get unpleasant comments going out dressed as she does which would devastate her. I don’t think she’s ready at the moment to make the changes needed.

I cook dinner and have food in for her lunches but she buys loads of additional sweet stuff which is what causes the problem

Why not offer to take her shopping to choose some nice new clothes or look up some plus size fashion influencers with her for ideas? Feeling shit about herself is only likely to make her comfort eat more and pile on even more weight. Have you suggesting a slimming club (online or in person) or weight loss jabs if she’s struggling to do it alone?

I think your response was excellent! Lying is not kind.

You're her mum so it's natural to be worried about her health.

I would try and have a chat to her, but focus on her health and not the weight, and say you are worried about her health, then suggest that perhaps the two of you could take up a sport together and try and live a more healthy lifestyle.

Her weight and how she looks, generally and in any given outfit, are two separate things. She is overweight and you should be honest about that - it is an objective fact.

But when someone (particularly your child) asks how they look or if an outfit is nice, they are not always looking for honesty, they just need to hear that they look great, and that you love them and think they are beautiful, whether you actually think so or not. I think this is where things are going wrong- you are muddling the two.

In a quiet moment you should tell her gently that you can see she has put on weight and you think she knows that, and you can help get healthier together. But at the same time reassure her she is beautiful and offer to take her shopping if she'd like (and that needs to be a zero pressure shopping trip - she buys what she likes, regardless of whether you think it's flattering).

that's really difficult. Does she understand what’s driving the weight gain? Most people don’t realise that just an extra 200-300 kcal a day over time pushes them in to the overweight/obese category. Could you try to be more active together?

Whatever you do, do not lie to her. Don’t feel cornered into colluding with her problem. Because that is in effect colluding against her.

i Would say that Im On a healthy eating approach, it’s my choice, I favour health, and inflammatory foods are something I don’t like or agree with as a habit, and.. basically provide a counterpoint.

remember that running and exercise are prescribed for depression, and tell her thst wellness makes you well, and wellness is attractive.

I think at 19 it will probably be very important to her to wear what others in her group are wearing and if this is tiny clothes, she's not going to feel comfortable in 'flattering' (concealing) things either. I'd settle for encouraging her to wear things that fit her in her preferred style.
She may get comments. That's the way of the world if you're a woman, isn't it? There's always something 'wrong' with us in the eyes of the misogynists and the spiteful.
On the other hand, larger young women in revealing clothes are a very common sight these days, so she equally she may not attract anywhere near the negativity we would have in the 90s for example.

I'd tell her that you can see she's unhappy. I'd give her options too, "do we want to start an exercise class together or are we going clothes shopping?" With the most loving grin you can muster.

I think your response was probably fair. I mean what else could you say? You could focus on colour or something rather than the outfit? Eg I prefer green on you to pink. Or just say "oh dont ask me I know nothing about fashion"

We all expect our mums to love us no matter what. And she clearly knows that she's put on weight because her clothes dont fit.
So I think now all you can do is support her. Maybe say something like "I am sorry I said what I said earlier. I love you and I think you are gorgeous. I hope you know that. "

If she brings up the weight again, maybe just ask her what she thinks. So if she asks have I put on weight. Say "I can't tell. What do you think?"

I had to check the date on this one.

Haven't you posted exactly the same thread before OP, or very similar?

I’d really avoid using the term ‘flattering’ - when people say this, 99% of the time they mean the clothes are making you look thinner than you are. Even if that’s not what you meant by it, that’s such a common use of the word it’s how she will interpret it. It’s yet another reminder that skinnier is best and we should do everything possible to make ourselves look skinny. Instead a good response here would have been to ask her if she liked what she was wearing and felt comfortable in it, if she said yes then remind her that’s all that matters. If she had said no then you could have asked why, let her talk, and don’t offer your opinion on the matter other than to say you’re sorry she’s feeling X but it doesn’t change that you love her and think she’s wonderful. As others have said you don’t need to tell her she’s overweight, unhealthy, unfit or gaining weight. It’s her body, if you know that then she definitely knows that. Nothing will change unless she wants to change. All you can do is remind her that her size doesn’t define her, you love her, and you’ll do whatever you can to support her in the way she wants and needs you to.

do you think that the problem is not the problem? You say she is not happy generally so maybe the weight is the symptom not the cause.....you can tackle the symptoms all you like but it won't address the root cause of the unhappiness. Do you know why she is unhappy and what could be done about that?

I think your response in the moment was fine - diplomatic but true. She’s not upset with you really is she, she’s upset in herself. And the trouble is, it’s a viscous cycle. She’s comfort eating, she’ll feel worse and comfort eat more. I’ve been there myself.

Cooking healthy meals for her is good but it won’t help. You need to help her with the core problem, not the symptoms. The things she’s upset about - can they be helped, can anything be resolved, or is it things she needs to work around?

When your DD said that she didn't realise she had gained that much weight, in your shoes I would have said something along the lines of, 'well if you want to lose it, you know what you need to do, don't you? Depending on her response, I would then have perhaps gone on to say, 'I can help at home by making sure we only have healthy meals, and cutting down on the treats that we keep in the cupboard, but if you eat stuff you know you shouldn't when you're out with friends, then only you can do something about that'.

So maybe when she's stopped sulking, or however she's behaving because she's upset with you, you could have a chat with her, and say something along the lines of 'Tania, do you want to do something about your weight, as you seemed quite upset about it earlier?' Assuming she says yes, then go on to say something along the lines of what I suggested above. Don't be critical of her, she knows she's got a problem but get her talking if you can, and then encourage but don't nag.

Also, does she get much exercise OP? If not, do you know why? As you could also attack the problem by pointing out that if she were to do more exercise, it would not only help her lose weight, but would also make her more healthy. I've always had weight problems, but at one point in my life I found a video exercise program which I found easy to do, a lot of them I found were too fast, so by the time I'd got my head around the movements, they'd moved on. Anyway, this video took me only 20 minutes to do each morning, and not only did it help me lose weight, but it made me feel better within myself, which then lead to me quite often wanting to do it a second time, either later in the day, or straight after the first session. All the time that I was doing that, I could literally eat whatever I wanted, and didn't gain a pound.

So at the end of the day, you can encourage her to eat more healthily - although you cannot monitor what goes on when she's with her mates, and you can talk about and encourage her to find a form of exercise that she enjoys, but you CANNOT do it for her. Maybe you could suggest putting on some music and having a dance each day, or something like that, as a lot of youngster enjoy a good bop, and it's easy to fit in at any point, day or night.

Other people are not going to automatically think she looks bad or judge her on her appearance. Lots of people don’t. You think she looks bad, not everyone will though.

I doubt it very few much older adults seem to understand good nutrition so I wouldn’t expect a 19 year old to. My mother in her 70s has dieted her whole life and still believes and says silly things like you shouldn’t eat avocados as they’re high in fat!