To be gently honest with DD 19 about her weight

[lifeinthemidlands]

DD 19 has put on a lot of weight recently as is now objectively overweight (probably obese). She complains about this but continues with appalling eating habit, partly because she is quite unhappy generally. I have tried to support her by cooking healthy meals and suggesting counseling for her wider issues. She continues to wear very skimpy clothes that are now too small for her, and frequently asks me how she looks. Today she was wearing a cropped t shirt and very short skirt and asked me if she looked fat. I said I didn’t think the outfit was particularly flattering and suggested an alternative (it looked pretty awful to be honest). She then got upset and said many of her clothes no longer fit, and she didn’t think she’d put on that much weight. I didn’t say anything, which she took to mean I thought she had (which is true). She’s now upset with me. I don’t think I dealt with the situation brilliantly and was taken a bit by surprise but can’t bring myself to lie. I don’t mention her weight unless she specifically asks. I don’t want her to feel more miserable than she does about her weight but don’t think I should minimize it either. I try to complement her hair / makeup etc. instead. How would others deal with it?

Can you choose the right moment to start a discussion about those snacks? What’s she buying? Why? Offer no judgement whatsoever. Listen and ask questions. Validate what she’s saying.

Then carefully suggest a few tweaks to those snacks would be a really easy way to cut calories without much pain. Don’t suggest she cut them all, listen and make appropriate suggestions so she doesn’t start thinking that she could never manage to do what you’re suggesting. This could start off as simply as swapping to a smaller size of the same snack; having X one day and Y the next rather than both on the same day, etc. I’m sure she knows the snacks aren’t the best choice, but does she know exactly how many calories she could save by not having (some) of them? I doubt it. People usually underestimate calories. But that’s good because she’ll see that even if she just cuts out Y and Z, she’ll save 800 calories a day (or whatever figure it is).

Supporting her to overcome her low emotion is key, but a small amount of weight loss, or even just managing to keep up with a few tiny changes, can build self-esteem and make things easier to continue with.

Replacing food treats with non-food treats can help too. This can be tailored to what she personally needs, so, for example, it can be something simple like “If I manage to make these small changes to my snacks for two weeks, I’ll buy myself X cosmetic/accessory/whatever”. Then set another target. After a while, it becomes easier.

Lots of good responses here and I understand your daughter has ADHD so things are not always simple. But have you looked at other possible medical issues? My DD now late 20’s started gaining a lot of weight when she was around the same age as your daughter. This carried on in her early 20’s and I also found it a v difficult subject to bring up. Eventually I had to address it and long story short turns out she has PCOS and one of the many horrible symptoms includes easy weight gain, difficult to lose weight. Under Drs supervision she was put on metformin which she will need to take forever but it did help her to lose weight. I also think that now she has an understanding of why she gained so much weight it has enabled her to understand her body better. In the last 18 months she has lost 4 stone, completely changed her diet and gotten v fit. She is a different person and so much happier. She would still like to lose another 1.5 stone and she will get there.

Equally WL drugs may work for your daughter but first get her fully checked out medically - thyroid issues can also cause weight loss.

Best of luck op, it’s a tough situation to be in.

When i look at photos of me before I had weight loss surgery, I see a decade of shame and sadness and helplessness and I wish someone had told me I needed to lose weight but they dont. Somehow you do everything you can to disguise it or find other things to make you happy and because nobody actually agrees with you that you look sad and unhealthy you dont do the actual thing you need to. I think we should be more honest about weight, it rarely is beautiful and an act of self love and you only get one life.

Slimpod- Well I’m not offering any guarantees but it is a sensible approach and not shaming or drastic and includes reframing and a positive culture. It is cheap and you can keep the tracks long term after so many weeks. Personally wish I had know about is sooner. It has had NHS trials but don’t know any more about that personally. I have lost 4 stone with it and failed at every other diet for 35 years so… helps me and still listening to the tracks and maintaining and coping with blips not regaining as soon as something goes wrong. Weight management for those who find this difficult is a chronic problem requiring long term management/coping skills.

Surely you knew you needed to lose weight - it's just so hard though I know.

I'm a size 16 and I know I'm fat. I don't need anyone to tell me because it is obvious really from looking in the mirror.

It is very hard. She already knows she is over weight and because of that doesn't feel attractive at an age when how they look really matters to them.
You can buy and cook all the healthy food in the world but until she is ready to engage with doing what it takes to loose some weight it won't make any difference.
She might well happily eat all the great meals you make, then go off and secretly binge on loads of other stuff in her room, them wonder why the weight isn't coming off. Crisps and sweet packets hidden away.

I would say absolutely nothing for now except when she complains her clothes don't fit now offer her money for new ones. She will feel more confident and attractive in clothes that fit properly. You could offer to go with her, but don't insist.

It's a vicious circle op. The extra weight causes depression then the depression and lack of self esteem causes more comfort eating.
As the old saying goes, you can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink.
In similar circumstances I found that the more encouraging I was, the more I bought in the right food, etc the less engaged my teen got.
There may (or may not) come a time when she, herself becomes really engaged in getting some of the weight off. I found the best way forward, for me, was to say ok let's buy something you like (in a bigger size but didn't say that) and have a bit of fun together. When I did this, took the focus off food choices, the choices actually started to get better. 💐

I’m loathe to sound judgmental, but I will. 😂 I’ve really noticed this lately too. Very overweight/obese people wearing clothes that look far too small and uncomfortable. I saw an older teen the other day - probably a size 20 or so - wearing a tiny playsuit that was digging in etc.

I know obesity is a problem, of course it’s up to people what they want to wear, and there shouldn’t be any shame in bigger bodies…BUT imo, it doesn’t look great. I’m not even overweight but am very pear shaped with a big bum and thighs that are annoyingly covered in cellulite. Been this way since I was a teen. I’d never ever dream of wearing a thong bikini or hot pants. I mean, I could, but I think I look ‘better’ in other outfits. I’ve known this since I was young - so what has changed?

Sorry, bit of a thread hijack I know! I would be gently frank with your daughter, OP.

I'm on ritalin..
Kills my appetite
I bought a rowing machine,that helps .
My ds has got fat
I bought him sports clothes,we bought an exercise bike and a rowing machine,and we both exercise together.
Our family is currently having a bit of a competition to see who can get to BMI 25 first .
I'm obviously winning....but we are all fat fuckers ..all of us have BMI 27 / 28

This,to be honest. I had a similar problem with one of mine, I never commented on her weight but said she looked gorgeous. Which she did, lovely hair, make up , smile. I knew she was upset but nothing I could say would change anything. She had the attitude that no one had the right to judge or comment on her weight.
Them one day she started telling me about a personal trainer weight loss program she’d started. She worked really hard and lost several stone, she was ready. It’s wonderful seeing how much better she feels. But it had to come from her. Don’t say anything.

I would say the outfit wasn’t flattering because it didn’t fit properly and she’d gained weight from eating. I don’t think anyone is done favours by being all body positive and pretending it’s not happening. If she is expressing discomfort with her appearance I’d calmly explain that if you eat more you’ll see it in the way clothes fit.. so if you want to fit in your clothes, find a regime for eating and exercise that is achievable and healthy. That might sound simplistic but this topic gets so twisted around in knots for women and girls. If we attach self esteem to looking good, and we will, then it requires an effort.

I really don’t understand the need to constantly tell kids they’re “amazing”!
Why?
Amazing for doing what exactly - breathing? Meaningless praise is that, meaningless. Praise is only worth receiving if it’s been earned. No wonder they’re so fragile and need constant reassurance for doing the simplest task.

Compliment the outfit but if she asks if it makes her look fat, I would say that it draws attention to places she probably doesn't want to draw attention to.

Unless she wants to go to a councillor, I would offer a listening ear because what she might need is your guidance, not a random person. She needs to feel like you're genuinely interested an empathising.

Regarding the weight issue, I'd have a different attitude. Just be factual - if she carries on eating the way she's doing, she will carry on having the same problems, or they'll get worse. It that's simple and & black & white. She will see limited or no results if she's sensibly at home if she's eating sweets, or having carb heavy items when she's out such as sweet buns or pizza on a regular basis.

Mine are amazing to me just because they are them ! So I tell them .

Did you really not notice yourself at 18? Might be time to stop blaming your parents at some point in life

Tbh, I think she already knows, she was looking for reassurance.

If she’s unhappy that’s the thing I’d help her with first. Because that’s likely causing it. Does she have fulfilment in her life - friends, studying/a job, exercise, good relationships with her family?

It could well go the other way though - medication for her ADHD may just take the edge off so that she's not seeking the dopamine hit from sugar.

I think you need to be careful with her body image and self esteem here.

Society tells us that fat is bad, and that certain things have to be hidden or disguised by clothing. It really feeds into some of the emotional aspects of ADHD IME.

You are her parent. You need to guide her. She needs to lose weight for her health and self esteem. Alot of parents tip toe around obesity for the fear of giving theor children a 'complex' and an 'eating disorder'. Now less people die of anorexia than obesity related ailments. Overeating and emotional eating is an eating disorder too. Do not hide away from this. Teach her. Guide her. Parent her.

Louder for those at the back!

So many parents are reluctant to parent. Be careful about this, don't hurt her feelings that. Obese children are neglected by their parents. You are not doing them any favours by tiptoing around their broken self esteem. Guide and teach them. Be a parent

Don't give her any lectures about her weight and healthy eating. But I don't think you did anything wrong saying the outfit wasn't flattering.

Sending love and support. I agree whole heartedly. I have lost weight on Mounjaro amd also feel so sad abput the years I have lost.

I think your answer was fine. She knows in her heart she’s too heavy but it’s hard to see yourself accurately even with a full length mirror (which is why people are so shocked seeing themselves in photos).
If she asks again I’d be truthful. If she complains about her weight I’d ask her how can I help?

It’s not your lived experience though. Because you weren’t told that when you were 18 and are only speculating now, looking for someone else to blame.

And actually, you were very quick to jump on another poster and say they were talking “rubbish” when they were giving their lived experience. It cuts both ways.

Happy to agree to disagree.

How have you noticed they don't care? How do you know what they are thinking?