To be gently honest with DD 19 about her weight

[lifeinthemidlands]

DD 19 has put on a lot of weight recently as is now objectively overweight (probably obese). She complains about this but continues with appalling eating habit, partly because she is quite unhappy generally. I have tried to support her by cooking healthy meals and suggesting counseling for her wider issues. She continues to wear very skimpy clothes that are now too small for her, and frequently asks me how she looks. Today she was wearing a cropped t shirt and very short skirt and asked me if she looked fat. I said I didn’t think the outfit was particularly flattering and suggested an alternative (it looked pretty awful to be honest). She then got upset and said many of her clothes no longer fit, and she didn’t think she’d put on that much weight. I didn’t say anything, which she took to mean I thought she had (which is true). She’s now upset with me. I don’t think I dealt with the situation brilliantly and was taken a bit by surprise but can’t bring myself to lie. I don’t mention her weight unless she specifically asks. I don’t want her to feel more miserable than she does about her weight but don’t think I should minimize it either. I try to complement her hair / makeup etc. instead. How would others deal with it?

Hi . Thanks for your responses. @ArseSkinForAFriend no I’ve not posted before on this. I’ve offered for us to spend the summer together working on our health and have bought her some vouchers with her agreement for a nice gym with a pool that I am going to over the summer. She hasn’t been yet as she says she is tired after work. I’ve been cooking healthy meals. To be honest she would just need to cut out the huge excess in treats and the weight would start coming off, but I just don’t think she’s in the right place now. My concern is that she will continue to get bigger over the summer.

You probably need to be blunt and tell her that obesity and tight skimpy clothing is not a good look

Yes exactly, frank talking, its a health issue. When people tip toe and 'I said gently', its really patronising. Its like when someone starts a post with 'gently OP'... blah blah blah

Makes me cringe

The bottom line, buy clothes that look good, sort your health out by looking at what you want to improve and thinking about how to achieve that, then do those things that you need to, to get to the goals.

I’m a 16-18, my mum will always frame it to me as “you know you’re gorgeous but it’s not very flattering in XYZ area”.

Is paying for weight loss injections for her an idea she’d be open to?

@ffsarewedoingthis that’s a nice way of putting it - I’ll remember that. In one discussion I did raise wl medication but she’s nervous of it and I said I would only support it if it was a kickstart to healthier habits and beating the food noise. I don’t want to see her yo-yoing. She has adhd so her impulse control is poor and she has strong sugar cravings so think it may be an answer for her. However she sees food as her main comfort now so I think is also reluctant to give it up.

At nineteen? OP isn’t even sure if she’s in the obese range.
She can’t keep taking WLIs for life at nineteen. What if she just regains when she stops?

Lots of people take medication for life, why would this be any different?

Do you have scales at home so (only if she wants to) she can keep a track of her weight? If she truly didn't think she had put on much weight it could help her keep an eye on her progress as the fit of her clothes no longer helps.

I probably wouldn't mention buying it, just put it in the bathroom.

I’m following as I’m in the same boat with my son 🙁 and I’m so worried about him and his health, I was going to start a thread myself. Exactly the same as you @lifeinthemidlands - I cook decent healthy meals at home but he’s out working and volunteering 5 days a week and I have no control over what he eats then. He refuses to take packed lunches, but instead buys breakfast and lunch out, as well as sugar laden iced coffees. I’m at my wits end with him and just don’t know what to do 😞

I don't think you need to speak about her weight at all! She knows she's put on weight. Having it commented on isn't going to make one iota of difference, only convey that her value as a person is tied to her weight.

You can say an outfit isn't flattering without commenting on weight. You can commiserate on not being happy with clothes without commenting on weight.

I’d have been honest if asked, but would come at it more from a health perspective rather than looks. Sounds like she does need to make some changes, but it does have to come from her. I’d rather she did it naturally, but that’s because pancreatitis ruined my life and I know it’s one of the side effects of WLI, and no-one would want that if they knew all the issues, pain and life limitations it can cause. My DD is 18 and I wouldn’t want her to go on WLI as life style change or simply cutting down would help hugely. If she doesn’t want to, then I guess she will continue to feel miserable about her looks.

But she was the one who asked if she looked fat - I just said it was unflattering. She refers to her weight on a daily basis - I think realistically wanting me to say “you’re not overweight” but I can’t do that. I don’t bring it up with her unless she does, and try to suggest solutions rather than criticism.

I feel like you are asking because you dont feel happy in it ...

Does that sound fair / in the ball park?

Dd nods...

Do you want to talk about it? I am your mum. My job is to support you and help you. If you arent happy I want to help you.

DD: I have gained loads of weight can you tell?

it sounds like You think you can tell. If you arent happy we can talk about it together and make a plan to sensibly address it

I would say something like "how about that blue cropped top, might go better?" Or "not sure about that skirt, I think your beige one looks better" etc

I would also go with her to buy a few pieces that fit properly and she feels confident in.

The more unhappy she feels about her appearance it's possible the more she will eat.

You know yourself how it feels to wear something you're not comfortable or happy in.

Encourage her to keep her favourite old clothes as incentive. Say something like "you'll want to hold on to that, it's your colour/style/compliments your skin" etc

@SalmonOnFinnCrisp those are some nice ideas.

It’s a long time ago now but I came back from my first term at a residential catering college nearly 2 stones overweight - this is after teenage years as a very good competitive swimmer.

The minute I walked in the door my mum made it clear that she’d clocked it, and that it was not acceptable. She said I had two choices - keep going down the overweight road and just get bigger, or lose it - she would only help with the latter. Sounds harsh, and there were tears, but it worked. She only did it from a health perspective - we were an active family and she didn’t want me to miss out on that. She walked with me every day I was home, suggested healthy alternatives to the rich, luxurious stuff I was learning (and eating!) at college, and I lost it.

There have been a few similar threads, inviting comment about overweight people wrapped up as 'concern'.

Take her to primark buy three outfits which fit her size now.
Tellher she can later sell on vinted if size changes down again
Small changes will help eg step counting. Cutting cheese or sweets.
She can consult gp too get a health check with nurse blood pressure etc

@PauliesWalnuts i think you were maybr less tied up in the emotional aspect of food than my DD at the moment which is why the blunt approach worked - I have no doubt she could lose it with basic heathy eating and moderate exercise but her comfort eating is now so entrenched.

What if she doesn’t? What if this is the kick she needs to have a better and healthier life? What if it’s what changes her life?

It’s really a nice way to hear it!

I suspect I have ADHD or something similar. 2 years ago I went on mounjaro and I’ve now lost 10 and a half stone.

I now use the gym, and running, to comfort myself. I use self care as a nice tool. Before when I would’ve binged, I now have a nice long hot shower and look after myself. You find other things that work. I am happier than I ever was, I hit 26 stone at the age of 25. Help her before it’s too late

I’d tell her as long as she’s comfy in the outfit, she looks fab. Kira Hollie on Instagram is an excellent account to look at for instilling confidence in women when it comes to outfits. I’m not plus size myself but after children I’ve definitely got areas I’m not as secure about. Anyone can wear what they like. Fuck what other people think or say.

If she’s down about her weight, looking for support to lose weight, actively talking about it, then this is different.

say nothing. Support the family with healthy meals, buying healthy foods etc. she is an adult. She knows. She doesn’t need to be told gently or otherwise. It needs to be her decision to lose weight if that is what she chooses. Obesity is a chronic disease.

comments well meaning or otherwise will hit her self esteem, especially coming from her mother. Could make her feel shame and feel worse about herself.

I’d say, “I think you have clothes which suit you more.” If pressed, “The crop isn’t the best cut.” If pressed again, “Your best feature is your (shoulders / long legs etc). A (peplum top / wide leg trouser etc) would highlight that. The cropped cut is most flattering if the abs are the part of your body that’s the most defined part so I don’t think it’s working well.”

There’s often no truly pain-free way to tell someone they don’t look good in something, especially when it’s related to it being too tight as they are overweight, but mentioning her good parts is probably the way I’d try to deliver the news.

She’s gone to meet a friend shopping this after and said she would look at new clothes. If she doesn’t get anything I will offer to take her out tomorrow to get a few bits. @ffsarewedoingthis thanks for your experience- that is my absolute fear, as she is continuing to gain weight at an alarming rate. She won’t step on the scales. I do wonder if getting rid of the food noise would help her find other solutions