To be gently honest with DD 19 about her weight

[lifeinthemidlands]

DD 19 has put on a lot of weight recently as is now objectively overweight (probably obese). She complains about this but continues with appalling eating habit, partly because she is quite unhappy generally. I have tried to support her by cooking healthy meals and suggesting counseling for her wider issues. She continues to wear very skimpy clothes that are now too small for her, and frequently asks me how she looks. Today she was wearing a cropped t shirt and very short skirt and asked me if she looked fat. I said I didn’t think the outfit was particularly flattering and suggested an alternative (it looked pretty awful to be honest). She then got upset and said many of her clothes no longer fit, and she didn’t think she’d put on that much weight. I didn’t say anything, which she took to mean I thought she had (which is true). She’s now upset with me. I don’t think I dealt with the situation brilliantly and was taken a bit by surprise but can’t bring myself to lie. I don’t mention her weight unless she specifically asks. I don’t want her to feel more miserable than she does about her weight but don’t think I should minimize it either. I try to complement her hair / makeup etc. instead. How would others deal with it?

@lifeinthemidlands quite possibly. As I’ve got older I have drifted into the emotional eating for various reasons so she has my sympathy.

Does she have depression? That’s when I eat like that. Not suggesting she needs to go on ADs (although when I am on Prozac my weight absolutely falls off) but would counselling or talking therapy help to get to the root of it and identify triggers that she can try to avoid or work around?

I would not lie / if the outfit looks crap I would say “I wouldn’t wear that” or “it’s not my thing” or the like. Keep trust

she needs help to find new comfort it seems

can you recognise patterns - things or times when she might be over eating can you suggest something?

can you help me with this?

Can we go for a walk I’m feeling stressed and it helps me calm especially if I’m with you?

I think it would. At worst she doesn’t like it and it’s a month or two of her life, and you can look at other solutions. But she sounds like the perfect candidate

How twee and utterly unhelpful.

How tall is she? Do you know what dress size she is?

I’ve noticed that too.

This. She needs to be told the truth and then she needs to face up to it and address it.

Me too. Tiny cycling shorts and crop tops seem to be the fashion, regardless of body shape. I don't think people should feel shamed in to covering up though and that only slim or good looking people should be able to wear revealing clothes. I presume people are aware of what they look like

I’d be worrying more about what’s suddenly made her so unhappy, do you know what it is? I’d be worrying in case it was some kind of sexual assault or bullying or other traumatic thing that had triggered this.

In terms of food I’d be stocking up on healthier snacks if that’s what she wants to do - snack. So pitta chips and hummus/garlic yoghurt dip, strawberries, even something like scones and jam would be better than sweets as they fill you up.

@PauliesWalnuts yes she has low mood if not full on depression and is getting support for this. However her weight is adding further to her low mood. I don’t know if it’s best to just say wait until the low mood is improved or at least encourage her to prevent further weight gain.

Absolutely this! She already hates how she looks weight loss can creep up on you.

Not a twee answer at all! It’s all about mindset and anything you can do to boost her confidence will help her to take action!

Just say that we all go through periods in life when we don’t like how we look but she has beautiful skin, hair etc. And offer to cook healthy meals and go for walks, bike rides or swimming with her if she thinks that would help?

Because obesity in most cases can be reversed by exercise and sensible eating

Hi - yes I do and it is nothing like that, but a longer term issue that has really come to the fore. The snacks I keep in the house sadly has no bearing on the huge amounts of unhealthy snacks she buys on her way home from work.

No, I’m sorry, but this is rubbish.

I was a size 16/18 when I left to uni at age 18. My parents had always said this type of thing to me “you’re beautiful, we love you, you’re amazing”. I came back from uni a size 26 and 23 stone.

I put on another 3 stone in the pandemic and afterwards, and hit 26 stone two years ago.

If they’d told me some home truths at age 18, maybe that wouldn’t have happened. If I’d had weight loss injections back then, maybe I wouldn’t need to be looking at a total 16 stone loss to be at a healthy weight.

Yes it can, but for many the emotional aspects of food make it beer-impossible without additional psychological support or medication. It’s well known those with adhd find this particularly difficult.

I’ve always just said the truth about food, health and weight to my own daughters as my mother did to me. If you eat unhealthy food you will put on weight. If you don’t give your body what it needs to function then it will find it difficult to do things. If you don’t exercise your body it won’t be strong.

Nobody in my extended family is overweight but more importantly, nobody has issues around food. We like it, we enjoy it but it’s not the centre of everything. We’ve always just talked about it in the same way as we do other things.

Your DD knows she’s overweight. If she asked you if an outfit made her look fat then she knew that your response was likely going to be yes. You sound like you are a lovely mum who is trying to help your DD find solutions to the issues that have lead her to put weight on. I hope you’re successful.

It’s not easy is it. Buying some new summer clothes will help so she feels fashionable will help to improve her wellbeing.

I think she knows deep down but is in denial about her weight gain. She can clearly feel it in the way her clothes fit and is asking you about it.

if you keep pussy footing around it then I think the denial will only get worse.

if she asks a direct question be honest without being nasty.

Even 20 years ago obesity in Britain was not really prevalent. So what can have happened for it to have rocketed to the numbers we seem to have now?

My rule is if multiple things look bad I tell her. So for example “it’s a bit too short, looks tight round the back and that colours’s not the best on you”. Luckily my daughter has realised not everything looks great on everyone even if it’s trendy. She has a tiny waist and good boobs but chunky legs, and seems to have settled into a more boho look of long skirts / wide leg jeans and fitted tops which flatter her much more.

And if I love something I give her the money for it, half the time she’ll take the other stuff back for a refund!

Idk. My sister is overweight and complains about her weight, then stuffs her face full of chocolate. Tbh my empathy has run out— I simply say, if you’re that upset by your weight, stop eating 4 bars of chocolate a day, take your weight seriously and get counselling for the emotional overeating that you do.

but then she’s in her 40s and can probably hear that better than a very self conscious teenager.

The nature of the food we eat with unhealthy food made to be especially appealing to our brains ?

the nature of the stress we are under coupled with the availablity of cheap, high immediate reward food ?

I’d probably say “Is it comfortable on? Or a bit tight? “
If she says it’s comfortable then I’d probably say it looks fine.
Which isn’t helping really but I’d be protective of her feelings first.
if she asked if it looked tight, then I’d be fairly honest and say it did a bit. And then ask about how comfortable it was.

It’s good you know - is the longer term issue something she’s being helped with?

In terms of your original question I would just say something mild like “I’m not sure that outfit is the one”. She’ll know what you mean.