To be gently honest with DD 19 about her weight

[lifeinthemidlands]

DD 19 has put on a lot of weight recently as is now objectively overweight (probably obese). She complains about this but continues with appalling eating habit, partly because she is quite unhappy generally. I have tried to support her by cooking healthy meals and suggesting counseling for her wider issues. She continues to wear very skimpy clothes that are now too small for her, and frequently asks me how she looks. Today she was wearing a cropped t shirt and very short skirt and asked me if she looked fat. I said I didn’t think the outfit was particularly flattering and suggested an alternative (it looked pretty awful to be honest). She then got upset and said many of her clothes no longer fit, and she didn’t think she’d put on that much weight. I didn’t say anything, which she took to mean I thought she had (which is true). She’s now upset with me. I don’t think I dealt with the situation brilliantly and was taken a bit by surprise but can’t bring myself to lie. I don’t mention her weight unless she specifically asks. I don’t want her to feel more miserable than she does about her weight but don’t think I should minimize it either. I try to complement her hair / makeup etc. instead. How would others deal with it?

Can you afford to buy her some new clothes? Offer to buy her a new wardrobe but also use that opportunity to ask her if she’s unhappy - it’s ok to say you’re worried that she seems preoccupied with her size since it’s changed, not to simply to say “you’ve put on weight!” You don’t need t say the latter, she knows

They probably do care though, OPs daughter is one of them.

Thanks for all the comments. I think the first thing to do is try and get her to cut down so she at least stops gaining more weight. When I’ve suggested in the past she buys one cake instead of four or a small bar of chocolate instead of a family sized one she says she’ll eat them over several days, but this blatantly isn’t true. I think I’ll have to gently confront this when the time is right. She bought an incredible amount of food yesterday, and it’s all gone (as well as eating dinner with me). I don’t think there are any health issues - anyone would put on weight given what she’s eating.

I think you sounded quite diplomatic. It's obvious you can't respond with you look great when you both know that's not true. The suggestion of going shopping to buy some new outfits is a good one - could you treat her to a personal shopper?

You also mention she spends a lot of her own money on sweets and snacks. Does she have a saving goal at all? At her age maybe a car? As perhaps suggesting how instead of buying treats on the way home from work she could save that money each week and then be able to buy something big.

The food industry has a lot to answer for adding crap to foods (like MSG) to make it irresistable and choc full of sugar and additives and highly addictive.

Here’s the unvarnished truth:

The public treats fat people poorly. They treat them differently than they do thin or average sized people.
If a fat person and a thinner person are up for the same position, chances are the thinner person will get it.
People automatically discriminate against overweight people whether they realise it or not. And many really, truly do not.
The bullying is brutal at school and in many cases doesn’t end until retirement. Women must suffer at the hands of bullies most of their lives.
It breaks my heart.

You might want to enlist someone in whom your daughter trusts implicitly to make a comment or two to her - one, about her body & weight & eating - and two, about her wardrobe.
And then I’d have my checkbook out and at the ready so that the 3 of you could go shopping to purchase some “appropriate” items for your daughter to wear - that she likes and that she feels comfortable wearing.
I’m sending you both good luck and love ❤️

She sounds dreadfully unhappy and I would be focusing on her low mood rather than her weight. Are any of her friends overweight? Maybe a few of them could go to the gym together or something. I’d be reluctant to suggest WLI for a teenager. Maybe Slimming World or Weightwatchers would be useful.
In the meantime, help her shop for flattering fashionable clothes so that she feels good when she goes out.

Perhaps they don’t care that you think it’s unflattering?

Just to say it might help to look at the eating and the depression as linked.

When we are stressed/depressed/anxious we all do things to try and help us feel better. But some things keep up feeling better in the long term (maybe seeing friends, speaking to family, doing well at work) and others (lots of sweets) help us feel a bit better in the moment (because it tastes good, dopamine hit) but leave us feeling worse in the long term (sugar crash, weight gain, digestive issues, guilt, shame, self hatred). So rather than eating sweets being a moral failure that she is beating herself up about, can you both see it as an attempt to manage her low mood and help herself... Just one that isn't actually helping much! That can take the judgement out of it and make it easier to find a alternative.

It's really difficult and I feel for you op. My youngest is 14 and still fairly slim, but her weight is creeping up and I can see she might struggle in a few years like I did. She loves her food unfortunately, like me, her aunt and grandma. My eldest DD takes more after her dad and just isn't as interested in food....she just isn't as obssessed so has an easier time saying 'no' and is apply to apply the 'brakes' on overeating. It's not as much of a drug to her. You might want to look at www.radiantrecovery.com
I found that eating more protein at each mealtime definately helps to curb the 'out of control' sugar cravings. Good luck x

Different perspective - I was underweight at 20 and treated for an ED, I was overweight at 29 and still had the same impulsive sugar hits I did at 13.
It took serious health concerns for me to actually kick my bad habits, and even that is two years on and I'm only just focusing on those sugar binges.

If she has AdHD it could be several things, mood crashes at a certain time of day, sensory seeking (I love sweets because I enjoy the chewiness of them) or sometimes a craving for something crunchy and I reach for biscuits, it could be a dopamine hit from the sugar, it could be she feels really iffy and almost ill and needs the sugar hit to feel better.
Until you know the underlying cause the food noise will win.
I've only just started beating it by working out how to tackle my sensory seeking, I chew gum now instead of sweets, I buy a particular low fat low calorie type of crisps rather than sugary biscuits, I drink squash through the whole day rather than one sugary drink at lunch that kind of thing.

I don't really know how I would answer the direct question about looking fat though, it's hard when your on the spot and my face will say more than my mouth without meaning to! But I'd have to sit her down and say you obviously don't feel happy with your body as you keep mentioning it, your clothes aren't comfortable and your not happy so let's get on the scales but you look at the number not her, you can tell her if she wants to know, all you need to do is say doing some exercise classes together and tracking our calories together would be fun, I'll find some fun recipes and we can use the same app.

Also there's an app that scans your body and takes your measurements, she'd be able to see for herself without it actually mentioning weight as she can scan once a week for free and it'll tell you the differences.

Do you like it? Does it make you feel good?

Because at the end of the day, whether I like it or think it looks good is immaterial, it's how she feels in it.

There's definitely a move towards wearing what makes you feel good regardless of how flattering or not it is. I don't think that's a bad thing.

I would however also tell her truthfully that she has gained a fair bit of weight and probably needs to buy some new clothes that she feels better in.

Having struggled with similar when I was younger (not formally diagnosed but extremely strong family history of ADHD/autism/synaesthesia), a bit of honesty can be a positive thing.

There's a very good book called the glucose revolution by Jessie Inchauspe and also a TV show by her which discusses the effect of sugar spikes and insulin spikes on health and the metabolism. I wonder if that's worth a watch with her.

Have a look at citicholine supplements for adhd (best to run this by a doctor if she's medicated or any concerns or especially if she has bipolar). It can reduce sugar cravings in adhd and has really helped me. Inositol stabilises blood sugar and can also help metabolic regulation. It used to be classified as a b vitamin and is not known to be harmful (except in people with bipolar).

The thing that's really helped me is finding a way to become hyperfixated on health and longevity but this has taken me until my late 30s.

I buy family sized treats thinking I’ll eat them over several days too, or at least used to. I’ve stopped doing that recently because I’ve finally worked out - it’s taken me years - that I can’t trust myself. It’s a false economy when you don’t stick to just one a day. Now I just buy single not family sized packets of crisps etc. It is helping me be more moderate so maybe that’s something your daughter could consider doing too? It’s not helpful that supermarkets always encourage us to buy bigger packets of things as they are a lot cheaper that way than buying individual units.

I think this is the most insightful comment on the thread so far.
Your daughter is trying desperately to help herself feel better which is a positive thing, yet her efforts are misfiring.

I’d tell her she looks lovely. She’s at an age when eating disorders are often triggered by the comments of others and I would never have forgiven my mum for bringing the topic of my weight up.

I think though this could cause harm as if/when DD acknowledges her weight and perhaps her outfits not being appropriate/tight fitting then she will be hurt that her mum lied to her.
It could also be an issue if she does get laughed at when she goes out and comes back and says to her mum why didn't she stop her.

You can say that you will pay for weight loss jabs if she is happy to try them

Pilates and gym are quite trendy with young people. Puregym or similar memberships are really affordable. Could you get her a membership plus some nice work out clothes? Perhaps she could go with a friend?

Ozempic / mounjaro and gym. Will reset her feeding habits within 6 months.

@WhatTodoALL @BountifulPantry i’ve already offered these. @daisyfallout she’s wary of this (as a bit am I) but my guess is this is where we will end up.

As someone 6 years older than your DD. My own mothers just likes to point out how fat I am, say how disgusting my pot belly looks and dress it up as concern for my physical health.

That’s horrible @MyCoralSheep

Is this doable op? I see you’ve answered.

It will likely work better than other methods of weight loss.

Is it possible she has a binge eating disorder?