To be gently honest with DD 19 about her weight

[lifeinthemidlands]

DD 19 has put on a lot of weight recently as is now objectively overweight (probably obese). She complains about this but continues with appalling eating habit, partly because she is quite unhappy generally. I have tried to support her by cooking healthy meals and suggesting counseling for her wider issues. She continues to wear very skimpy clothes that are now too small for her, and frequently asks me how she looks. Today she was wearing a cropped t shirt and very short skirt and asked me if she looked fat. I said I didn’t think the outfit was particularly flattering and suggested an alternative (it looked pretty awful to be honest). She then got upset and said many of her clothes no longer fit, and she didn’t think she’d put on that much weight. I didn’t say anything, which she took to mean I thought she had (which is true). She’s now upset with me. I don’t think I dealt with the situation brilliantly and was taken a bit by surprise but can’t bring myself to lie. I don’t mention her weight unless she specifically asks. I don’t want her to feel more miserable than she does about her weight but don’t think I should minimize it either. I try to complement her hair / makeup etc. instead. How would others deal with it?

just wondering if your daughter has been recently medicated for her ADHD as many do cause weight gain @lifeinthemidlands

@BrickProblems yes we have identified a counselor who can hopefully help and she will be starting sessions.

She’s about to start a new medication (has been largely unmedicated for the last year due to side effects) so this is an additional concern - it’s a non- stimulant.

I would tell her the truth if she asks me for it.

My daughter put on lots of weight at 18, she knew it and was unhappy about it. I suggested both of us go to Weight Watchers, made a big difference in her eating choices. Yes, it helped and we are still friendly

I must say, I agree with this.
I’ve struggled with my weight during certain periods of my life, mostly in my late teens/ early twenties.
People keep saying ‘she knows she’s overweight, no need to mention it’, but in my case, even though I sort of knew it, I kept fooling myself that it won’t be so obvious to others (I went from size 10-12 to 18+ and back a few times).
My mum did mention it to me, gently but unambiguously. I certainly wasn’t happy about that, but it did help me face the reality and stop my weight gain from spiralling out of control.
What helped most in my case was exercise - walking, later running, occasionally gym.

but you haven't addressed why she is unhappy enough to eat a junk diet?

That's such a simplistic view. It's well recognised in the medical world now that obesity is a complex problem and all sorts of factors affect a person's ability to start and/or stick to exercise and healthy eating. There are often emotional and psychological factors at play, as is the case with the OP's daughter. Sometimes societal issues too- poverty, living in a "food desert" where there's little opportunity to buy fresh healthy food, poor education, no access to free healthy and enjoyable activities...all these things mean that it's hard, if not impossible to expect everyone to "just eat healthily and exercise"
So if there's a medication that helps people to overcome some of those barriers I don't see why it's wrong to use them as a tool. They don't replace healthy eating and exercise, they just make it easier for people to stick to it by reducing appetite and cravings.
Obesity is just one of several conditions that could be mitigated or reversed by exercise and healthy eating, yet time and again it's the only one that society gets all indignant about if the idea of having medical help to achieve it is raised. Nobody makes a fuss about type ii diabetics having medication to control their condition, nobody says people with painful arthritis in their hips and knees shouldn't be allowed painkillers...but if obesity is a major factor in both those conditions, why on earth is it wrong to use medication to help prevent obesity in the first place, but perfectly fine to let the NHS spend £millions on medications on a sticking plaster approach to control them, but do nothing to address the root cause?
There's a poster on this thread who has lost over ten stone on weight loss medication, and because she's lost weight that's enabled her do more exercise and opened up her life to a much healthier lifestyle. Even if she stays on that medication for years, she's going to be much healthier and thus costing the NHS far less in the long run than she would if she was being medicated for high BP, cholesterol, arthritis, diabetes, etc etc. She's also able to live a much happier, and normal life. I can't understand why using a medication to help achieve all this is seen as so wrong.

Is it accessible for her? Not sure what the criteria is.

Only by people who don't know what they're talking about, to be fair.

Not a helpful post.
Food is an addiction for some. Just like drink or drugs. Losing weight is not as easy as you would like to think. Otherwise nobody would be fat.
I've always yo=yo'd from size 10 to a size 16. I'm quite tall to be fair.
I know I'm fat when I'm at my heaviest. Somebody telling me wouldn't help AT ALL. It would just push to comfort eat.

That’s her decision to make and she can come to it herself, not on the basis of the advice an internet stranger gives her mother.

@Pandymoanymum but what has caused this big rise in obesity? Is it remotely possible that junk food and lack of exercise is the issue?
I was at school mid 60s- mid 70s and uou could count on one hand the amount of overweight children. As previously stated, even 20 years ago we didnt have a big problem

Yes, medications prescribed by doctors they have actually seen face to face for a medical issue.
Does OP’s daughter even meet the criteria for buying WLIs online?

‘I’m your mum so to me you always look lovely but I think you’re asking because you’re fed up with having put on weight.’ This needs to be framed as a ‘her’ thing, not a ‘you’ thing.
Follow up -give support but agency ‘is there anything I can do to help? You know I’ll help you with anything you need.’

Are you sure that they don't know, do they supress it or mask it or just bully themselves to carry on.
With all the media and news about clothes and fitness. Surely they know.
Which makes it really difficult to get them to face the facts and deal with it. As the OP has said.
I am not concerned about 'looks' of people but I get quite worried about health problems.

Could I suggest you look at Slimpod Living. It is a set of tracks you listen too that help you loose the food noise (honestly many say this works, and it works for me) and a weekly short video designed to life enhance and distract from always being on a diet, some nutritional content too. But not a shaming diet.

Slimpod is a load of rubbish. It doesn’t work.

I don’t think you said anything wrong here.

No, sorry I don’t agree with this at all.

Even as an 18 yr old it’s not your parents’ responsibility to manage your weight. Can you imagine if someone posted in here about their 18 yr olds weight - they’d be swiftly told very correctly that it’s none of their business.

It’s your parents job to make you feel loved and secure, and it sounds as if they did a good job. If they’d been brutal with you about your weight when you were 18, you’d be here complaining about how you’d be affected emotionally and not believing that you were good enough.

I really can’t abide people trying to blame others for choices they made. And I say this as an overweight 50 yr old who was brought up with an appalling diet devoid of fruit and vegetables and loaded with sugar. As an adult I have the choice to eat differently - the fact I continue to eat too much sugar is a decision I make. No one else is to blame.

I do think it’s your parents’ job to support you if you ask for help, but that’s a different matter entirely.

@ffsarewedoingthis i’ve just started on WLIs and the food noise just seems to…stop. I really like that about it. It’s early days, I still get a bit hungry but have much less interest in food, it just doesn’t seem to matter so much so I am very hopeful.
Also I read that Mounjaro etc is about he be available in tablet form so that will be easier than the weekly injections. (These are OK for me, I don’t have a problem with needles but not everyone may be able to do them. )

I’ve started using this and if you stick with it, the food noise really does reduce.

I believe there’s a suggestion it’s going to be offered on the nhs soon?

You can disagree all you want, it’s mine and millions of other people’s lived experiences.

if they’d said when I was 18 that I was too large, my life might look different.

You do know that women, regardless of size or shape, can wear whatever the hell they like whether the wider world thinks it’s flattering or not don’t you?
We aren’t here to decorate the world for the gaze of others.

My daughter has confided in me she is worried about putting on weight - when I agreed she has put on some weight (no judgement from me, I'm a size 16 myself) she got annoyed and said I was being unkind.

It's a minefield - it seems people don't always appreciate honesty on the issue of weight, even when they ask for your opinion.

I try not to mention weight now and be vague if she raises it. What I do though is give her lots of support when she is dieting and tell her she's looking great and empathise with how hard it is to avoid tasty snacks.