To be gently honest with DD 19 about her weight

[lifeinthemidlands]

DD 19 has put on a lot of weight recently as is now objectively overweight (probably obese). She complains about this but continues with appalling eating habit, partly because she is quite unhappy generally. I have tried to support her by cooking healthy meals and suggesting counseling for her wider issues. She continues to wear very skimpy clothes that are now too small for her, and frequently asks me how she looks. Today she was wearing a cropped t shirt and very short skirt and asked me if she looked fat. I said I didn’t think the outfit was particularly flattering and suggested an alternative (it looked pretty awful to be honest). She then got upset and said many of her clothes no longer fit, and she didn’t think she’d put on that much weight. I didn’t say anything, which she took to mean I thought she had (which is true). She’s now upset with me. I don’t think I dealt with the situation brilliantly and was taken a bit by surprise but can’t bring myself to lie. I don’t mention her weight unless she specifically asks. I don’t want her to feel more miserable than she does about her weight but don’t think I should minimize it either. I try to complement her hair / makeup etc. instead. How would others deal with it?

Great, I just wanted to check. My 19 year old's more into flowy and over sized stuff so not been in that position from a parent side of thing (and with my boys it's usually me trying to get them out of sports gear into something nicer).

Sadly, you can't protect her from drunk comments in the street. (I still remember all of them about me e.g. "she'd be hot if she lost a few stone") when I was a size 14 at most.

Are her mates all in skimpy gear too? It's tough maybe if she wants to wear what everyone else is wearing. (I remember the misery of being 17 and too booby for the skimpy backless tops that my tinier mates threw on because I needed a chunky bra).

If she's not got any nice gear that fits the current body that she has right now, she will feel worse about herself. All bodies deserve nice clothes.

A BMI of 30 isn't wild. The BMI chart is awful. But also for me, I'd be 11 and a half stone and looking at photos of when I was that weight I was in size 12-14 clothes and looking healthy and well. I've got short legs, the healthy range for me has a top weight that I've not seen since I was surviving on cucumber and cereal bars with a very unhealthy food and exercise relationship. My husband and sons are all in the obese category for BMI but they're also all very fit and muscly and strong, playing a range of sports regularly and using the gym daily. I know that's not the case with your daughter, I'm just illustrating how flawed the BMI chart is.

I think helping her be more active will be a positive focus for you and her with regards to her mood and fitness. Can you sign up for a fun run together and do the couch to 5k app? Although my kids would absolutely not want to do that with me, don't know why I suggested it! What kind of sports do her mates do? When I was her age it was charity runs that gave me the motivation to get exercising without a focus on my weight and body shape. And then badminton with mates, swimming or aqua aerobics with other friends, joining netball with other friends, going to a streetdance class with my sister - it's usually been the social side that's kept me with a sport or class for longer and it's given me a positive buzz of an evening or weekend to spend that bit of time with people I like.

She needs tough love. Just say listen love you know you’ve put a bit of weight on, it’s not the end of the world but if you are unhappy then you need lose
some weight

As a woman married to an obese man who is now type 2 diabetic, has to have injections right into his eyeballs that I have to attend as he cannot drive afterwards, multiple cases of very very slow healing foot ulcers, more hospital visits than you can even imagine and very high travel insurance for holidays. I would say be honest. Its no life for her and whoever will be supporting thst. I pussyfooted around so as not to hurt feelings but gently get my point across now his on multiple pills and an injection and at risk of not being able to drive if his eyes deteriorate.

My mum had this issue with my younger brother. He was a footballer in his childhood so constantly active. Then he met his now wife as a teen who was a ballet dancer so also incredibly active and both were slim. They then quit around the same time to focus on studying and simultaneously developed a junk food habit. They’d stay with my mum a lot and she’d cook a healthy meal which they’d happily eat but then later would also order a take out most nights too. They loved eating junk in front of the tv together.

Now they’re late 20s and still both morbidly obese. She’s very short and I’d say is a size 20+, because of her height it’s particularly accentuated. He is very tall and I’d say 20+ stone. He’s so big he can’t fit on rollercoaster rides as the harnesses wont go around him. Nothing is working as a wake up call for them, even the fact she works as a biomedical scientist so literally examines disease.

I don’t know what the solution is. Food is an addiction and you can’t help an addict who doesn’t want to be helped.

God, i wish it was that simple

Did you not know that it is not acceptable on Mumsnet to comment or discuss somebody's weight?

Never frame a conversation about weight loss around aesthetics. Focus only on health if you're going to discuss weight loss. Quite honestly doing it for your health is the best reason to lose weight.
If her clothes don't fit tell her she's gorgeous regardless ( dragging someone's confidence is unlikely to help and imo a woman can be overweight and pretty but overweight makes it harder to be healthy ) but sounds like she needs to take action to fit into her existing wardrobe or buy herself new clothes so she feels comfortable. I personally find that I always feel more inclined to get out and be active if I have clothes that fit me anyway!
Losing weight requires not just acknowledging that you need to but making long term sustainable changes in regards to diet and exercise. Habit change is a complex beast. Telling someone they're overweight will not help them lose it, chances are they already know it and feel uncomfortable.

Great, I just wanted to check. My 19 year old's more into flowy and over sized stuff so not been in that position from a parent side of thing (and with my boys it's usually me trying to get them out of sports gear into something nicer).

Sadly, you can't protect her from drunk comments in the street. (I still remember all of them about me e.g. "she'd be hot if she lost a few stone") when I was a size 14 at most.

Are her mates all in skimpy gear too? It's tough maybe if she wants to wear what everyone else is wearing. (I remember the misery of being 17 and too booby for the skimpy backless tops that my tinier mates threw on because I needed a chunky bra).

If she's not got any nice gear that fits the current body that she has right now, she will feel worse about herself. All bodies deserve nice clothes.

A BMI of 30 isn't wild. The BMI chart is awful. But also for me, I'd be 11 and a half stone and looking at photos of when I was that weight I was in size 12-14 clothes and looking healthy and well. I've got short legs, the healthy range for me has a top weight that I've not seen since I was surviving on cucumber and cereal bars with a very unhealthy food and exercise relationship. My husband and sons are all in the obese category for BMI but they're also all very fit and muscly and strong, playing a range of sports regularly and using the gym daily. I know that's not the case with your daughter, I'm just illustrating how flawed the BMI chart is.

I think helping her be more active will be a positive focus for you and her with regards to her mood and fitness. Can you sign up for a fun run together and do the couch to 5k app? Although my kids would absolutely not want to do that with me, don't know why I suggested it! What kind of sports do her mates do? When I was her age it was charity runs that gave me the motivation to get exercising without a focus on my weight and body shape. And then badminton with mates, swimming or aqua aerobics with other friends, joining netball with other friends, going to a streetdance class with my sister - it's usually been the social side that's kept me with a sport or class for longer and it's given me a positive buzz of an evening or weekend to spend that bit of time with people I like.

I think I'd go straight in with asking her about her response to you. Ask her if she's unhappy with her weight. Ask her what she needs from you. Remind her that weight or fatness is not the only thing that defines her. If she's happy in herself she might not care if she's fat.

Junk food and takeaways have so much to answer for. When I was a teenager (a long time ago) being very overweight was unusual. We didn't have gyms and my friendship group certainly wasn't sporty. I went swimming now and then, of course we had to walk everywhere most of the time or get public transport. If your daughter is hooked on sweet treats at night (I know the feeling) try and introduce her to some healthier versions. For example, frozen cherries with a sorbet ice cream. Encourage her to ditch the junk because after a couple of days she won't miss it. She doesn't have to starve or feel deprived.

Jeez....Katey clearly hasn't read your original post!

if shes not ready to make the changes to lose weight maybe a shopping trip to get things that will flatter her shape and make her feel good about herself, shes probably not accepted in her head the weight shes put on and her clothes aren't working for her now. just tell her you are treating her to a shopping trip and dont mention her weight, do you know anyone that has a good eye for fashion and finding clothes that would suit her to guide her to the right shops and style for her. getting clothes that fit nicely will make a huge difference to her confidence and then may be more accepting of her new shape or she comfy in this moment intill she if she wants to change or stay as she is

I recommend this book all the time on here, but 'Let Them' by Mel Robbins has a great couple of chapters on how you can or can't change other people and her approach is very sensible. The example she uses is of having an overweight/obese husband.

I wouldn't worry too much about nasty comments when she is out, I've been called names in the street a couple of times when a size 8/10, men are mean to young women of all sizes, sadly.

I think using neutral comments like nodding when she asks you questions or making listening noises is often enough- if she asks you directly, just say, 'it sounds to me like you don't like how that looks on you' which is just reflecting back to her what she said. With my daughter in the end I just said stop asking me about your body and outfits because it's your insecurity and whatever I say it's not right, so I won't be making any comments on your body at all from now on, she had a more severe problem but I don't regret opting out of all this 'reassurance' that isn't reassuring.

Get the book and try the tactics in there, one of which is to model behaviour, not tell people what to do, as well as some great stuff on how to do motivational interviewing type work, and also just take your foot off the pedal if none of that works.

Doing more fun mum/daughter stuff, getting out and about, going for coffee, walks, taking time with her, being empathic but not overly involved in fixing things yourself, will also help her find her way through her current stage.

Sometimes the blunt hard truth is needed pussy footing around her isn't doing her any favours , I would take a picture and have her look at it and decide if she thinks she looks OK, she may think she looks good in a mirror but a picture will tell the truth .

I think you are doing well with your daughter. Weight is one of the most difficult topics as it is so personal and the person has to want to make the changes themselves. I know this only too well as, l think, do many people here. When she brings the subject of her weight gain up again, l would reinforce the message that you love her no matter what number is on her clothes labels. It sounds as if you are already doing this but I would also say that you are worried about both her physical and mental health as eating so much unhealthy food is a symptom of other issues. I would also ask if she would like the help of weight loss injections or tablets. I would also take her shopping for clothes in her new size and to suit her shape as this will help her to think more positively.

A slightly different perspective from me.

I came home aged 19 after my first year at uni to be greeted by my DM saying “you look like you’ve been blown up by a bicycle pump”.

After 9 months of junk food and boozing I had obviously put weight on and there was no pussy footing around by my mother.

It wasn’t a pleasant experience but it did the trick and I lost all the weight by the end of the summer.

No, this just makes us eat more, because people like you try to make us hate ourselves.

As hard as it is, I would want to try and help her to see that she needs help to lose weight. She knows it already by asking if you think she looks fat.
About 8 years ago I felt like I was getting too fat. I convinced myself that there was nothing that could be done, that was just me now, but I asked DH if he thought I was fat and he gently said that yes I had put on a lot of weight. It was what I needed to get the motivation to do something.
I joined Slimming World, got down to my ideal BMI, and subsequently have continued it and I'm now in the lower BMI. I needed a push to do it really, I'm now a size 10 which would have been unthinkable to me then. Slimming World worked really well for me, as it taught me to cook and eat better, and I liked having the targets to go for.

So how do you suggest she fixes herself if she's just genuinely hungry all the time?

I can fully appreciate how challenging this must be, but the most important thing is to show empathy and kindness towards her. She looks to you for validation and support and became upset when she didn’t get that. My approach would be firstly to try and get to the root of what is making her so unhappy. Have body positive conversations with her, compliment bigger women on TV or in films you think look good - Alison Hammond always wears lovely outfits for example. When she brings up her weight, acknowledge her feelings and tell her you understand how hard it must be to feel that way but explain that weight is one of the least interesting things about a person and focus on all of her positives - what is she good at and what does she enjoy doing? Bond with her over common interests and show that you care. We all come in different shapes and sizes and that’s part of life. Acknowledge she is now a young woman and no longer a teenager - she’s not going to be the same size as she was when she was 16, none of us are. We are starting to see a society that’s more accepting of body variation. Remind her that you love her no matter what size she is and that you will support her in whatever she wants to do. There are plenty of resources available around having these conversations with your children. Empathy, care and understanding goes a long way and you’ll probably have a better relationship with her for it.

So she’s upset about something and you don’t ask her about that, your focus is on her weight because you don’t want her to embarrass you by wearing unflattering clothes. You sound like the problem, I’m surprised she doesn’t throw your passive aggressive “healthy meals” in the bin.

Read my posts rather than making shit up please.

Exactly

WLI would help with this.

She’s 19 op. A big girl, you can tell her the truth. Bluntly if you must. Otherwise she will be looking like a fool dressing how she is. If her mother can’t tell her, who will?