To be hurt I’m not invited to the whole of my friend’s 50th?

[ArcanaQueen]

I’m part of a 6 women friendship group. The group has quite a strong identity, we always meet for each other’s birthdays and we go away for a weekend together every year. One of the group is having a glamping/camping party for her 50th. It has become apparent that while I’m only invited for the Saturday night, the rest of the friendship group is invited for Friday and Saturday nights. I get that she and I aren’t as close as some of the relationships in the group. She sent me a text saying do I mind just coming on Saturday as she’s trying to keep numbers low for Friday. AIBU to feel quite hurt? Saturday night is the main party night with more people coming so perhaps I should just feel happy with that, and ordinarily I would if it wasn’t for the friend group context re. the Friday night, which just feels a bit “ouch”.

I wouldn't think it was petty or dramatic to calmly speak the truth. If the B.day girl feels its ok to do this then surely its ok for the whole group to know she has done it?

Crikey I haven’t heard of a ‘friendship group’ since primary school. An adult woman turning 50, is part of a ‘Friendship Group!?’ Wow.

Or 4: Sorry I am now unable to make Saturday. Don't make excuses. Don't collect the cake.

I think the fact that she has communicated this to you by text is also quite dismissive. I wonder about the dynamics of the group. Is this person the ‘Queen Bee’ ? There is always some unspoken hierarchy in my experience. It’s very bitchy school girl behaviour imo. I would go on Saturday just to briefly show my face but make it clear you’re just dropping by en route to another event.

I was told I could go next year.
You are a bigger person than me Northernladdette. Being 'told' would see the mist descending! To then be left out the following year would probably have me deleting contacts from my phone!

Although I have mellowed and as you get older you realise you don't have to always burn bridges completely you can just reframe and reassess friendships and their place in your life! I have one friend who has a BFF, a husband and two grown up children. She is great company but really does regard anyone outside of those mentioned as non-speaking parts in her life (me included). I think our friendship has lasted so long because I have zero expectations and so she can easily over deliver with the smallest gesture.

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this upset. Sometimes friendships just fall away. I've had a friend for 40+ years. Within the last few we've been in a lot more contact due to what's been going on on for us and the mobile phone being available. However, last year I moved and actually live minutes away from her. I've hardly seen her. She says she wants to see me but then says all the other stuff she has to do. Plus how she's not seen her parents or fires for several weeks either. Have had several conversations with her about it but while I've listened to her, and changed, she might've listened but hadn't changed. It makes me sad but there is a limit to how much effort I'll put in.

What's better for you? To walk away or try and say how you honestly feel and accept she might not care enough to be different? Then you walk away.

I'll do you a favour and help you keep numbers lower for Saturday as well.'
Absolutely this!

well, try, if you can, to imagine a group of friends that regularly go on holiday and celebrate birthdays together.
I don’t know any primary school children that arrange their own weekends away. Clearly your children are very advanced.

It seems the "identity" is bitch

I generally don’t think it’s a good idea to assume bad faith with your friends. I’d probably go and see and possibly have a chat or ease of from friends with her afterwards if you think that she was being a bitxh rather than being truthful.

but sending a rude text and likely blowing up your friendships with the others is not the best way to go. If your mate says “can you come to the big party but not the pregame due to numbers” the best response is not FU I won’t come at all. It will just alienate you from your other friends.

you could also have a discreet chat to the friend you are closest with to gauge what is going on. Also if your other mates are asking you to help out they must think it’s fine too. So unless there is a group mission to be unkind to you maybe there’s something else. Ask.

friendships are fluid, even ones you think are steadfast. While it would hurt me too not to be invited to both nights (I mean how restrictive are numbers that first night)? It’s like weddings. I have always found it bizarre that people choose who gets to come to the whole day and who gets to come to the evening only (and some who have three tiers and it’s ceremony only, ceremony and dinner, or evening do).
Your friend has made a choice. How you take that is up to you. It’s not unreasonable to be hurt. But now you know how close she considers your friendship. I would go to the Saturday night party and do nothing else. But I would know where I stand and that would affect my feelings for this person forever more.

I would make an excuse not to collect the cake. That is easy done but she becomes the bad guy in the eyes of the rest of the group if she declines and doesn't prioritise this invite. She then can never complain she isn't an equal member as she was invited to a party that she didn't 'bother' to attend.

This whole situation has been played out 000s times. Mainly by 8 year olds - who seems to deal with it a lot better. 'I'm sad I'm not invited but A and B are my real friends in that group so it doesn't really matter that much that C missed me out'

Being upfront and/or antagonistic never works.

If you don't want to remain part of the group you can react however you want.

If you do, you either go and play nice (so you don't make others in the group feel bad) or you cancel last minute, so it looks like you wanted to go but couldn't . Of course the others will talk about you behind your back (and know you are pulling a sickie) but they will know why and be grateful you didn't cause any awkwardness.

But if its ok to do it then why is it not ok to mention to the rest of the group? Either they all know and are fine with it or shit scared to object. or they don't know and if the B.day girl thinks its an ok thing to do then why should they not know?

Wow. I'm 69 and have a great friendship group. You should try it.

Id be hurt by this OP. Fair enough, if a couple of the others in the friendship group were told, just come Saturday too, fair enough; but to single one person out of the group is not ok. I would have to say something personally..

do the others in the group know youve been invited for one night only? If so they are taking the piss asking u to bring a cake

this is a shit situation and really mean. Especially asking you to pick up the bloody cake!! You have every right to be hurt OP. But I would say you need to consider whether you are willing to risk falling out with the whole group over this- because if you do say you aren’t going because you have been excluded then there is a chance the whole group might back birthday girl should it blow up. I say this from similar experiences of what you are going through - unfortunately it is the path of least resistance for the rest of the group to stick together, find excuses for the birthday girl and follow her lead rather than stick their neck out and stand up for the person who has been hurt.
If you do go then do as pps have suggested - hang out with your other mates and have a laugh and treat birthday girl politely as an acquaintance in the future.

I think this whole situation is horrible. I've never been the popular one, but I would absolutely not go and sod the cake !!!
If the others don't know I would tell them
If they do know, and still go on the Friday then they are all complicit and I would sack the lot of them off.
never too late to make new friends
I think they're all awful.

If they are going to back birthday bitch then why would you want to continue to be friends?

Yes but you do not leave one person out, sorry, that is awful treatment of a friend. At the end of the day, they are friends , not the closest in the group, but still friends that see each other regularly. OP had just invited birthday girl to her hen and wedding. Do not bring the cake op, let the Friday night guests sort!

Absolutely correct.
If they were proper friends they would all say no thanks. All for one and one for all !!!!

Love this - it is absolutely the way to deal with this kind of behaviour. If more people did this, maybe we wouldn't see it happen so often.

How do people that are this full of self-importance even keep any friends? Are people really so emotionally fragile that they'd rather pander to such mean, bitchy behaviour than be happy in their own company? It's bloody pathetic at 12 years old never mind 50

Because thank goodness we are all different. The OP is clearly enjoying this friend group so exclusion would hurt. It's human nature and a very rare person who doesn't give a monkey's what others think of them. I know we all like to say that we don't care what others think, but in reality we do.

Can you double check with anyone you are close to in the group? Honestly if I was in a group and someone did this I’d be inclined to not go as well to make a point, it’s so deeply unpleasant and pointed and then trying to use you as a skivvy? That person would definitely

I wouldn’t bother going, she can get her own cake. Perhaps set up a lunch with the others after this and just not invite her.

In my experience they are often quite popular unfortunately.