To be hurt I’m not invited to the whole of my friend’s 50th?

[ArcanaQueen]

I’m part of a 6 women friendship group. The group has quite a strong identity, we always meet for each other’s birthdays and we go away for a weekend together every year. One of the group is having a glamping/camping party for her 50th. It has become apparent that while I’m only invited for the Saturday night, the rest of the friendship group is invited for Friday and Saturday nights. I get that she and I aren’t as close as some of the relationships in the group. She sent me a text saying do I mind just coming on Saturday as she’s trying to keep numbers low for Friday. AIBU to feel quite hurt? Saturday night is the main party night with more people coming so perhaps I should just feel happy with that, and ordinarily I would if it wasn’t for the friend group context re. the Friday night, which just feels a bit “ouch”.

Of course it’s to do with closeness. The OP says so herself. No group of six is going to have exactly the same levels of closeness between all the individual members,

I'm another one who doesn't get why people do things like this, it's not normal to leave one person in a group out at all and will have long term consequences for the friendship.

So do you arrange big celebratory events and specifically ask certain friends not to come then?

....and then ask them to help you with the arrangements because they arent coming so can pick up party stuff?

I would do similar but I would go with "I've just realized I'm the only one of our group of six excluded on Friday night have I done something to offend you?"

Then I would wait and see what the reply said before deciding what else to say.

People who are not actually autistic but want to excuse their poor behaviour in a way that they think will be unchallenged because they have played a disability card.

I say this is someone who is actually diagnosed autistic. And who would never behave like this.

Of course. But excluding op like this is cruel.
Picking one or two closest friends to have a get together with would have been entirely different

I agree. If it was me I'd think about if I have any further use for this friendship group going forward. For me it has blown up and will never be the same but you may want to consider keeping the connection for your purposes, at least until a set of real friends come along. I am not especially social so I would bin them off without a second thought and I purely LOVE @2021x suggestion.

loving this

I wouldn't go.

Fuck being treated like that. Fuck your friend and her 50th and all who sail in her.
You deserve better OP.

I can’t say. It’s really outing.

Do not spoil the event deliberately. You will come out better in yourself if you rise above petty or dramatic. If you do not want to pick cake up or go just make an excuse . Explain how you feel to OP if you feel you want to otherwise let it go. I feel you might regret excesses advised.

Be honest and tell her you feel hurt by it. If you want to go on the Saturday then go for it, don't cut your nose off to spite your face but at least now you know the measure of this so called friend. Dont be passive aggressive or vindictive as that'll just make you look childish. Be a grown up here and say something like:

"To be honest, I feel a little hurt to be left out of Friday. Appreciate that's your choice to make and still look forward to celebrating with you on Saturday."

Although I think I would hard pass on bringing the cake!

I'd be thinking that this is the reason I'd been invited at all!

I would definitely do this. Just say can I just check...

Then the host can have a think about it.

With the added context that she was at your hen do and wedding recently, I'd not go. Excluding one of 6 is quite hurtful.

This sucks as you can't really win and one-way-or-another your happy group dynamic has been tainted. You have three choices really...

1. You pick up the cake and you go with a big smile on your face and have a good time and hope the rest of the group won't exclude you in future so easily, but probably will be on edge now for a good long while until things settle back down (or don't)
2. You message 'cake friend' back and say 'I'm actually really hurt at not being invited on the Friday as I thought we were a tight group. Obviously I understand people don't make the cut when there are limited places but I just feel like I won't be able to have fun on Saturday knowing I've been excluded, as it's really thrown me. So I'm sorry I can't bring the cake for you.' This might kick off and end your friendship with several people in the group who may think you are being petty (you'd be surprised by how many people will stick up for a stranger and say it's awful to be excluded but say nowt if it happened in their own friendship group to someone else!)
3. You say 'of course' then you cancel last minute with a stomach bug!

Doing 2 in the real World this will probably end your friendships with the others - certainly it will end your membership of the group (even if one of two of the others keep in touch). Nothing good can come of this response (even if you are then 'invited' to the Friday it would be awkward as...).

So it's 1 or 3 really, if you don't want to cause a scene and can accept that things probably won't be the same for you after this. Eventually you either withdraw completely or you use the group socially, when it suits you to have a night out, but you don't have any expectations of real friendships with everyone.

I wouldn’t attend any of her celebrations- what’s one more person? Given that there are only 6 of you and you’re the only one not invited to the Friday event I’d let my absence speak for itself.

Is It an RSVP style invite? I wouldn’t confirm and just leave her on read. I’d also make sure I tell the others if they happen to ask - if they don’t then find a new group of actual friends.

I would do then when HELL FROZE OVER. Cheeky sods.

Think that you have 2 options

Ask your "friend" outright why you are only invited for one night.

Or do not go as you now know what your "friend" is like.

Well you’re better off without her that’s for sure

Or she could just decline the invitation. That's probably what I'd do.

@ArcanaQueen how are you feeling now?

Then she looks like the bad guy for not making the effort to go.

They won’t boycott. People like these invariably choose their own comfort and social opportunities over taking a stand.

I know this from experience.

I thought I was part of a tight little group of friends until I saw my ‘closest’ friend from the group’s wedding pictures and I was the only one of the group not in them 😭🙈🤣

Yep. I’m often the boycotter in these scenarios, it just leaves me feeling like a pariah and disappointed in others .