To be hurt I’m not invited to the whole of my friend’s 50th?

[ArcanaQueen]

I’m part of a 6 women friendship group. The group has quite a strong identity, we always meet for each other’s birthdays and we go away for a weekend together every year. One of the group is having a glamping/camping party for her 50th. It has become apparent that while I’m only invited for the Saturday night, the rest of the friendship group is invited for Friday and Saturday nights. I get that she and I aren’t as close as some of the relationships in the group. She sent me a text saying do I mind just coming on Saturday as she’s trying to keep numbers low for Friday. AIBU to feel quite hurt? Saturday night is the main party night with more people coming so perhaps I should just feel happy with that, and ordinarily I would if it wasn’t for the friend group context re. the Friday night, which just feels a bit “ouch”.

"and has said at times she thinks she might be a bit autistic"

and who says that???

OP I am so sorry. It is tough and hurtful to discover a friendship is not as strongly reciprocated or valued. In your shoes, I would be hurt.
And this must make you question your place in the friendship group too. I hope the other ladies reach out to you and don’t condone this singling out by keeping quiet.
I realise it’s this woman’s party and she decides the guest list. But surely she is aware enough to understand the impact on you and your friendship group of her actions. There will be some who will try and find a reasonable explanation for this pointed exclusion. You know the dynamics of the group so whatever your gut tells you, trust it.
I have gone through something similar recently and it made me realise I had an acquaintance rather than a friend as previously believed. I chose to take a step back.
I hope you feel better soon. Be kind to yourself. And please remember you are not responsible for making someone feel better who has hurt you through their sh@tty behaviour once the consequences come to light.

The OP says ( in her post at 11.19 yesterday) the birthday girl says that about herself @Mumtobabyhavoc

You’ve said you’re not that close so don’t be so offended and be thankful you’re invited to part of it. Maybe she doesn’t see the group in the same way as you and it’s her birthday, not yours. If you decline the invitation it’ll probably start a lengthy rift and then group will never be the same again - well, probably you not being invited to events in the future. If she needs numbers low then she’s going to not invite those who she isn’t so close to. Go to the Saturday and try and enjoy it rather than fester in resentment.

or how about sit down and tell her how you feel?

This is one of 10 ladies to attend OP’s hen do. Can you hand on heart state that in OP’s shoes you wouldn’t be hurt and shocked to discover you are regarded as a 2nd tier friend at best?
Showing or forcing yourself to feel gratitude when someone hurts you and pointedly excludes you demonstrates low self esteem imho.
As long as OP remains polite, any fall out from all this rests at the Birthday woman’s feet.

Fuck her and her childish bullshit.

It’s a birthday; not a hen - very different. Maybe the birthday girl does not see her as top tier friend - does everyone have to be best friends?!

Either go and enjoy it or don’t but don’t complain as the birthday girl will be relieved she didn’t invite you.

That's unbelievably cheeky of her

Don't go to any of it and make it clear to anyone who asks why. And absolutely definitely DO NOT pick up the cake!!!!

I meant to indicate disbelief.
Who saaays that?
in the sense of appropriating a condition as an excuse for (bad) behaviour.
iyswim 🤔

Ugh, I'm sorry this is happening, I'd be so hurt. Is there anyone in the group who's close to both you and birthday girl who you could ask their opinion?

Indeed birthdays are different to hen parties. If you are one of 10 guests to someone’s hen, you can safely assume you are considered a close friend. So to then deliberately exclude that friend subsequently and pointedly so from among a friendship group is thoughtless at best.
The way it has come to light that the OP valued the friendship more strongly than birthday girl has been rather cruel I feel. A text message which as recounted sounded pretty breezy. Not everyone has to be best friends but everyone should be aware of the impact of their actions on others

I think this is really unacceptable of your "friend" @ArcanaQueen . I've read all of your posts and none of that justifies singling you out to leave out this way. I'd be inclined not to go and let them sort the cake themselves.

I think i would be nervous about doing this @ArcanaQueen but is there anyway you could say to her "that you do feel a bit sad not to be included on the friday and have you done something to upset her?" Or something like that...
Really hard to do and am not sure i would be brave enough but it is the way forward for an honest communication. Hope it goes well. I dont think you're wrong to feel hurt x

I’d be pissed off, but then I have a group of friends who went on holiday when I was still working. I was told I could go next year. I wasn’t invited, someone else was. I let it go, we’re still friends 🙂

I’d be really hurt by this, similar happened to me at a friends 40th, I may an effort to drive two hours, get childcare etc for a party to find our other friends had made a weekend of it. The parting shot from the party girl after 20 years of friendship was “oh I forgot, you should have stayed too’. No scene was made, I simply left and stepped back. I don’t think I’ve seen her since (14 years ago) although we do speak occasionally on Facebook now.

Im not sure in your situation whether I would go to the party, I think I’d feel I wouldn’t be missed.

She must be a horribly self absorbed person to have treated you like this

I’ve only read your posts but I don’t really understand why she wants the numbers to be low one day and not the other? I also can’t fathom why she wouldn’t realise it’s super offensive to invite all but one member of a close friendship group. I don’t think she’s a nice person, or maybe just a bit dim.

I would politely respond with- gosh - really embarrassing, but I’m double booked that weekend and now won’t be able to attend. Have a lovely birthday weekend. Hope you have a fab time.

Asking you to collect a cake when you’ve been excluded from the Friday - is cheeky f*ckery.

Plan something nice with your family instead.

I would be really hurt by this too. Yanbu

I wouldn’t be going and it’s depressing that people can still act like this at 50. You don’t have to be rude but I would politely decline.

Agreed. Not wanting to go is a perfectly understandable response and in the circumstances the request to pick up the cake is quite insulting. But a gracious decline, in as few words as possible, is the better response. What would erode the OP's dignity is making someone else's birthday all about her. Any passive aggressive response, lamentations of how hurt she is, or involving others and requiring them to show loyalty to one side or another, will only undermine this dynamic even more than it already is.

If the friendship group matters I'd simply file this one away under 'relevant information' and adjust my expectations, and possibly my future behaviour, accordingly. And even if OP does decide to step back it's better done this way than stirring up some big unedifying hornets' nest.

It's never a good idea to rely on one group for friendship, anyway.

I think this is awful, if I was one of the other friends I think I'd feel inclined to not attend either, can't stand shitty behavior like this.
No way would I be picking up the cake if I was you, I don't think I'd bother going at all as I'd just feel really awkward.

I’m desperate to know what happened after the Hindu ceremony.

FGS it’s absolutely nothing to do with closer/less close friends! They are a group of 6 and to exclude just one is rude!! And shitty.

OP is there one you are particularly close to? Could you see if they know about this? Has anyone even considered how this looks/would make you feel?