To be hurt I’m not invited to the whole of my friend’s 50th?

[ArcanaQueen]

I’m part of a 6 women friendship group. The group has quite a strong identity, we always meet for each other’s birthdays and we go away for a weekend together every year. One of the group is having a glamping/camping party for her 50th. It has become apparent that while I’m only invited for the Saturday night, the rest of the friendship group is invited for Friday and Saturday nights. I get that she and I aren’t as close as some of the relationships in the group. She sent me a text saying do I mind just coming on Saturday as she’s trying to keep numbers low for Friday. AIBU to feel quite hurt? Saturday night is the main party night with more people coming so perhaps I should just feel happy with that, and ordinarily I would if it wasn’t for the friend group context re. the Friday night, which just feels a bit “ouch”.

Feck THAT!!

She is one CFing bitch!

Stop making excuses for her and trying to reason it out.

She is not a good friend to you.

I'd just message her saying something like

'Just wanted to be clear that I can't collect the cake or attend on the Saturday. Thanks'.

And leave it.

Do not send her birthday wishes etc.

She made her bitchy little bed. Let her lie in it.

So you’re the cake collector! Cheeky mare.
Id refuse to go altogether I think.

Do you think that “mature attitude to friendship” just means people can treat you badly or as an afterthought and they know you will not do or say a thing

No I dont think so

I think it's just being realistic. My approach is that, as we go through life, friendships wax and wane

If you decide to go to the Saturday I would say: "Sorry, I can't collect the cake. After X made me aware I was only invited to the Saturday portion of the event, I made plans around this".

If you decide not to go to any of it I would be politely blunt: "Hi all, after I was made aware I'm only invited to the Saturday portion of events to keep numbers down, I've decided to sit this one out to avoid any awkwardness. I'm looking forward to seeing you all at our next get together"

I know some will say that's petty, but for all you know she's told your friends you couldn't make it for the whole weekend, rather than admit you were unwelcome. I'd want my friends to know the full story. The only downside is this may ruin the dynamic of your group.

Don’t attend and don’t collect the cake. Fuck them. She’s a bitch.

Sad for you. And a shock.

Could be you are not being invited due to her not wanting to offend your DH and step-son.
Possibly the group is not happy for unknown boy and your son sleeping over with all girls.

Just attend the main party.
It will take a while for your new family unit to seem familiar to all others, including children.

May be just a matter of space and not having space for the boys.

I’d just politely decline and vaguely say you have something else on. And going forward, maybe just plan a few separate things with others in your group who you’re close to. Sounds like maybe she doesn’t really want you in the group, and is trying to push you out.

@ArcanaQueen I'd be ignoring the cake request and probably wouldn't go at all. Terrible migraine dontya know 😉
I hope you have other friends? This group sounds mean. They all know you've been left out of Friday night.

It’s actually shit and I would t be able to not say something to a friend. You are a group of 6, and only 1 woman- you. Is not invited to the more intimate do on the Friday- and to add to that you are asked to bring the cake?! I wouldn’t be able to attend without asking why, and I’m not sure I would attend at all. Everyone is entitled to invite whoever they want. But I would feel hurt and want to ask why for the sake of the friendship.

OP, I don't blame you one bit for feeling hurt. That is really poor behaviour on the part of your so-called friend.

I don't think there are any right or wrong answers in this scenario. The majority of posters are urging you not to attend the party on Saturday, and that would be a fair call if you don't feel up to it.

But equally, if you think you'd still genuinely enjoy the Saturday event and would have a good time partying with the rest of the guests, it's perfectly ok to go along! However, if you choose this option, I'd just add the following caveats:

• Going forward, I'd match her energy. She's sent you a clear message that she sees you as a friend, but not a particularly close friend. I'd respond in kind. I'd only take a small, inexpensive gift to the party (or even just a card). I certainly wouldn't be going out to my way to do her any favours, which brings me to my next point...

• The cake. I would not be fetching her birthday cake for her. I'd be tempted to reply to the mutual friend who asked you to bring the cake with something like: "Hi friend, not sure if you're aware of this, but the only reason I was free on Saturday is because [Birthday Friend] hasn't invited me to the Friday night celebrations. I understand I'm the only one from our group in this position, which has been a bit puzzling for me. As it turns out, I've now made other plans for Saturday during the day and won't be available to pick up the cake."

Also, is there a particular member of this group who is really nice, or whom you're especially close to? I'd be tempted to have a chat with them afterwards, and quietly let them know what's happened and how you feel. It could be that there is some bigger picture going on with the birthday friend, that you haven't been privy to. Or at the very least, it'll put the group on notice that you were excluded. (I say this, because the birthday friend may well have told the rest that you "couldn't make it on Friday night", etc).

Oh god, do not write this! How awful to involve everyone in your drama. Blergh.

I think this kind of thing absolutely stinks. It's usually about money and some sort of rank order.
Either you are my friend or you aren't.
Of course you are hurt.

Don't get a card or gift either.
I'm surprised no one else in the group has said anything. Are they aware? I'd be upset too 😞
What a childish thing to do 😤

OP I just wouldn't go.
I found out years ago that my 'friends' met each month for a supper. DH and I weren't invited.

I never found out the reason and years later I don't particularly care. There was a pecking order (one woman was queen bee) and I suspect she was pulled up by a completely different friend who had heard her gossiping about me.
I would have been about 50 at the time too so you'd think they would have grown up by then. Obviously not!
Save your heart and your money. I've made half a dozen new friends in my fifties some off Mumsnet.

She's trying to keep numbers low by leaving off one person? Normally, I recommend a direct route but I'm not sure there's any point. I wouldn't be impacting my friendship with the rest of the group so maybe just accept she doesn't consider you part of her inner circle and focus on the other friends. Stop inviting her to your birthdays.

Nope, I wouldn't be going if I were you. Sod the lot of them!

If I was feeling really petty, I would let them believe I was coming and bringing the cake, with absolutely no intention of doing either 🤭

Could it be that your kids are a bit wild and it’s not you she has a problem with?

Friendships do wax and wane. People get busy, plans fall through, everyone says "we must catch up soon," and then suddenly it's been eight months and you're both wondering where the year went. That's just life.

This isn't that.

The OP hasn't been quietly forgotten because everyone's schedules got hectic. She has been specifically told not to come to an event that every other member of the friendship group is attending.

That's not a friendship naturally fading, it's a deliberate act of exclusion. Let's not pretend otherwise.

And then comes the absolute masterstroke: "Since you're not coming on Friday anyway, could you pick up the cake?"
I mean... bravo. Exclude someone, then ask them to do the party admin. That's some Olympic-level entitlement. Apparently the guest list is exclusive, but the errands are all-inclusive- funny that!

Calling this a friendship "waning" is like calling the Titanic a minor boating inconvenience.

This is nothing to do with the waxing and waning of friendship and everything to do with the downright mean spiritedness of excluding one person out of an established six person group. It is less about how close you are compared to others and more about how willing she was to treat you in a way that any normal person would find very hurtful.

I'm trying to keep numbers down? 🤔

I think I'd be rather taken aback being told not to come along to the quieter and more intimate pre-party for, obviously, the close friends, from someone who came to my hen and wedding.
Finding out you're a 2nd tier friend this way is hurtful. No, don't bring the cake. Surely that's a job that a really close friend should be tasked with? Reply to that ask with, Sorry, swamped with organizing for camping and car won't have space so can't manage it. Then ignore any further messages. Show up and have a great time acting as if nothing is wrong and socialize with other guests then step back from this group and start making other nicer and more inclusive friends.

This is what I'm thinking. Someone has to stay behind to collect the cake and you've been designated. Are you the one least likely to object? If I was in a group of six friends and one of them was being left out, I would take a stand. It's hurtful. I couldn't do that to a friend. Whether you stay or you go, I think this friendship group has changed irrevocably for you.

I have a friendship group of 6 as well, sounds very similar re the birthdays, weekends away etc. I am naturally closer to certain people and smaller groups will meet up etc but this would just never happen, excluding one person like this is horrible. I would feel embarrassed and wouldn’t want to go at all.

Simply put you need to decide if you are happy to be a tier 2 friend or not.
After previously 'managing ' a friend's dd's party the previous year me and my dd's were downgraded to calling for a coffee after the following year's party I bowed out of our friendship altogether..

Says she a bit autistic does she, but managing a weekend of celebrations? blunt?

I'd be responding to her in this style then.

"Yes I do mind, pick up your own cake"