To be hurt I’m not invited to the whole of my friend’s 50th?

[ArcanaQueen]

I’m part of a 6 women friendship group. The group has quite a strong identity, we always meet for each other’s birthdays and we go away for a weekend together every year. One of the group is having a glamping/camping party for her 50th. It has become apparent that while I’m only invited for the Saturday night, the rest of the friendship group is invited for Friday and Saturday nights. I get that she and I aren’t as close as some of the relationships in the group. She sent me a text saying do I mind just coming on Saturday as she’s trying to keep numbers low for Friday. AIBU to feel quite hurt? Saturday night is the main party night with more people coming so perhaps I should just feel happy with that, and ordinarily I would if it wasn’t for the friend group context re. the Friday night, which just feels a bit “ouch”.

The thing is though, the next big birthday or even just a birthday. Say it’s yours OP. Will you be the bigger person and invite them all along or will you not want to invite this woman along as she’s snubbed you on this day? Given you a token invite as it were.

There was a “friend” I had years ago, we all went clubbing together but she was directly very nasty to me the first time we met at a pub. God knows why. It’s strange because on a few occasions we went for girls meals out she was lovely. Anyway, she’s the first of us to get married which she does in her home country (Australia) and then she had a Hindu ceremony in London. Now I know because I was told that she didn’t want to invite me to this but she felt for the friendship group she had to invite me. Something happened between us after that which meant we never spoke again and thank god a good few years ago she moved back to Australia with her family where she’s remained ever since. I luckily don’t see that crowd now so never have to hear about her.

I'd be hurt too, can't you just ask why you're the only one out of the friend group not invited on the Friday?

Hi OP, I think the way you have written your original post is rather balanced.

Perhaps respond, if you haven't already, along similar lines, that this feels rather ouch, as you are a friend group of six and just you left out. But that you appreciate her numbers to be cut. Perhaps ask AI for a good response.

I imagine you are concerned how this will impact you within the friendship group too.

Re. The cake I think I would say I am not sure I can pick it up.

In hindsight this feels like it might be a good suggestion.

Actually I think it’s what helps
maintain decent friendship groups.

none of my groups would exclude 1 person or family which is why we remain close.

I’ve seen it before whereby if you allow 1 person to start excluding others it sets a precedent. And personally I wouldn’t want to be in a friendship group whereby this was the status quo.

Yes, occasionally someone won’t join the group events due to clashes calendars or because they aren’t interested in the activity. But NEVER because they’ve been text personally on the side asking them to voluntarily exclude themselves. Because we arent primary school bullies playing social heirachy.

But everyone has their own boundaries with friendships.

asking you to pick up the cake is crass. I would be saying "no" to that if i were to go on the saturday

but i'm in the "be busy" on Saturday and see how the group friendship goes after that

none of my groups would exclude 1 person or family which is why we remain close.

Same. I cannot imagine leaving one person out of my group of friends and saying “please don’t come- oh but hey, you can pick up the cake for us on Saturday” 🙄

If that’s someone’s idea of friendship then you can keep it. Thankfully my friends are lovely and would never do something this nasty

Good friends never leave you questioning your place in a friendship group, OP. You feel hurt, and that's something I'd address on the group chat. In fact, few people wouldn't feel hurt.... which shows your feelings are perfectly valid.

I would just say something along the lines "I'm feeling a bit unsure about my place in the group given that I'm the only one not included on the Friday evening, and as a result I think I'll give this occasion a miss while I get to grips with how this has made me feel. I do hope you all have the best time together".

And that kind of juvenile passive aggressiveness is why some people on here associate friendship groups with ’drama’. If you have an issue with one person, sort it out with them. It doesn’t need escalating to the entire group. My friendship groups would simply accept that not everyone’s invited to everything, and not everyone’s equally close to everyone else, and that’s fine.

This sums it up nicely - don’t be afraid to take charge of your life. I believe you’ll be much happier swerving this occasion perhaps BD girl will think differently about you next time.
She obviously doesn’t mind treating you badly because she knows you won’t react….. don’t give her the satisfaction.
I like the many suggestions along the lines of if numbers are a problem I’ll not come at all.

This 100%

Don’t do this

OP, regardless of the autistic traits, she's been very rude and if you just let it pass without comment, she gets away with it. It's astonishing that you've been asked to pick up the cake. I think you need to say outright that you're hurt by this and would prefer not to come at all in the circumstances.

Make her squirm and ask who else out of your group of 6 is not invited to Friday so you can maybe do something with them beforehand if they are free.

Yeah this. OP I think it's horrible that you've been singled out to be dropped from the Friday night. It would definitely make me question my place in that group.

Bloody cheek that you've been asked to pick up the cake!!! 😑

Has anything happened which has caused friction between you?

Has there been issues in the group before? With this woman? Have you spoken to any of the others?
did anything happen at your hen or wedding?

That’s really unkind, you’re a group of six, you should be treated as such for things like this. I’m sorry she’s not being inclusive when she absolutely should be.

Yep. Screw that kind of bitchy drama. Life is too short.

I have two close friends from university, let's call them Anna and Jane. At various times throughout our adult life, I've had more in common with one or the other. Anna's son is getting married next year. I already know that Jane will be invited to the whole thing and I'll be an evening guest only

Does it sting a little? Yes

MN would probably tell me to end the friendship and never speak to Anna or Jane again

But I think i have quite a mature attitude to friendships, so I'll probably (1) go to the evening event, (2) accept that Anna feels closer to Jane than me (3) acknowledge there may well be valid reasons for that (4) enjoy the evening event and (5) remain friends with them both

But, i also protect myself. So, if I were invited to the whole day, I'd plan my summer holiday around it. But, since I'm only an evening guest, I'd feel comfortable declining the invite if that's the best time for me to go on holiday

Being excluded for numbers is utter bollocks. Do not accept crumbs from her table of friendship. Arrange things without her. Nothing lasts forever.

Did you agree? Please say no.

Did you agree? Please say no.

I think I'd decline the invitation and forget about it. Just say that you can't make the party and wish her Happy Birthday. You don't need to explain why and there's no need to involve the rest of the friendship group. If she asks why, say something like that weekend doesn't work for me now.

Full disclosure that I can't stand camping so I wouldn't want to go in the first place!

Yeah, I wouldn't go to the Saturday either.

You being the only one of the friendship group excluded is just rude.

Feck that meangirl shite.