To be hurt I’m not invited to the whole of my friend’s 50th?

[ArcanaQueen]

I’m part of a 6 women friendship group. The group has quite a strong identity, we always meet for each other’s birthdays and we go away for a weekend together every year. One of the group is having a glamping/camping party for her 50th. It has become apparent that while I’m only invited for the Saturday night, the rest of the friendship group is invited for Friday and Saturday nights. I get that she and I aren’t as close as some of the relationships in the group. She sent me a text saying do I mind just coming on Saturday as she’s trying to keep numbers low for Friday. AIBU to feel quite hurt? Saturday night is the main party night with more people coming so perhaps I should just feel happy with that, and ordinarily I would if it wasn’t for the friend group context re. the Friday night, which just feels a bit “ouch”.

That would really hurt my feelings tbh I'd consider not going at all. It's quite a pointed snub if the other 5 are going 💐

I never understand why people do this. It turns a celebration into something mean-spirited, leaving a sour taste in the mouth. What difference would one extra friend make on the Friday night. The damage is done now. The spell is broken and this friendship group will take a permanent hit because of her partisan behaviour.

Unfortunately, I have no advice for you. You must do as you feel best. If that involves inviting the rest of the group to something without her, go for it. What is good for the goose is good for the gander. If, on the other hand, you want to pretend it is OK, then do that and let the hurt wash over you. There is no right way to deal with these things because they aren't situations you should have to deal with.

I’d probably be reconsidering my friendship with her. And what about the others? Have any of them said anything?

'I'll do you a favour and help you keep numbers lower for Saturday as well.'

No way would I meekly accept crumbs from her table. I’d not go to any of it. Let your absence hang in the air, and require her to explain it to the others.

I'm not surprised your feeling hurt op, I think I would also find it very difficult to go at all.

I absolutely agree with this!

I would feel very hurt as well and if I were part of the other five it would make me feel a bit awkward. Personally I would give the party a swerve now.

So she wants to keep the numbers low by reducing it from 6 to 5? That’s very hurtful, I’m sorry.

She is inviting everyone else and not you. No, not on

Ouch.

If you’d enjoy the Saturday night thing, I’d still go. (Personally I’d pay not to go camping, so I would see this as a convenient excuse!) Shes told you what she thinks of you though, so depends if you'd like to put up with her to spend the evening with the other 4! What do they say? She’s made it very awkward for the whole group really…

“Hi Friend, no problem at all, I’ve saved you a space for Saturday too, I’m busy doing something else.”

Then don’t bother responding to any message back, ever. Fuck people like this, can’t be arsed with them.

If you are the only one of the 6 to be excluded, yes, I understand why you are hurt.

Id be staying home washing my hair. Keeping numbers small should not mean leaving 1 person from a group of 6 out.

Isn't that bullying ?

Are you the only one of the 6 to be excluded from the Friday? If so you are absolutely not unreasonable to be hurt. I would usually say don’t destroy a friendship over things but in this case I’d not go.

I don’t think I would go if every other person in the group was going Friday. I’d just politely make my excuses.

So, people are coming as a family, kids including, I’m taking just my 2 kids as my DH and stepson are busy, so it would be 3 extra people on the Friday. Still feeling hurt, though, and also by the bluntness of the text. It’s shocked me as she’s always been really lovely before. And I had a hen party of about 10 friends last month, and she came to that as well as to my wedding.

To exclude one friend from an established group of 6 is really nasty and hurtful. You may be less close as a pair but that's really mean girl behaviour to leave one person out. Especially as you recently included her in your hen and wedding.

With your latest update I would ask to meet just her for a coffee. Something has happened. Worth finding out what.

Are the others from the group invited to the friday and saturday ?
If they are i would give this a miss.

So would you be staying over on the Saturday night or are people invited on the Saturday going home afterwards?

I’m sorry. You always hope people will give up on these kind of games. Sad to hear it’s still happening at 50 💕

Agree, if it were the 2 closest to her on the Friday and 4 on the Saturday, fair enough but to just exclude you is mean. Have you spoken to anyone else in the group about it?

Why does she need to keep numbers down? Assuming you have your own tent/stuff?

I'm quite straightforward, OP, so I would probably message her something like, "I'm actually quite hurt by this and not sure how to respond. It seems weird and unkind to exclude one person out of the group, but obviously it's your choice. Don't know what else to say."

And I would post that in the group chat with a screenshot of the message to you (assuming it wasn't already in the group chat).