To be hurt I’m not invited to the whole of my friend’s 50th?

[ArcanaQueen]

I’m part of a 6 women friendship group. The group has quite a strong identity, we always meet for each other’s birthdays and we go away for a weekend together every year. One of the group is having a glamping/camping party for her 50th. It has become apparent that while I’m only invited for the Saturday night, the rest of the friendship group is invited for Friday and Saturday nights. I get that she and I aren’t as close as some of the relationships in the group. She sent me a text saying do I mind just coming on Saturday as she’s trying to keep numbers low for Friday. AIBU to feel quite hurt? Saturday night is the main party night with more people coming so perhaps I should just feel happy with that, and ordinarily I would if it wasn’t for the friend group context re. the Friday night, which just feels a bit “ouch”.

‘Hi friend, I understand the need to manage numbers and fully understand why you are arranging things like this. No problem at all! However I find whenever I attend part of a celebration (eg. The evening part only of a wedding) I find there is a vibe where others there earlier bond somehow and I always feel awkward and don’t enjoy it when I come later. For that reason, I’ll pass on the Saturday. Thanks very much for the invite though and I do genuinely appreciate it. I hope you understand and really hope you have a great time’

I don't get why she's trying to keep the numbers low at a glamping/camping party? Presumably you're all paying for yourselves. If it's about there not being enough room / tents, it seems odd you can go one night and not the other. Is it a really big party or just the 6 of you? If it's just the 6, it does look off. I'd be fed up OP.

I'm guessing the birthday lady isn't just inviting this group of friends but lots of friends and family, so with every group within that, she doesn't have to invite everyone e.g. everyone from work, everyone from school, everyone from back home, everyone from this group etc. Plus OP says they're all bringing their families. So no, it's more like the difference between say 20 on the friday night, or 50 if she had to invite everyone from each group represented. While this friendship group of 6 is how the OP know the birthday woman, it's not her only or main friendship group and the OP isn't close to her within it, so in that context, it's not such a big snub and just her genuinely trying to have one quieter night with the people she's closer too before the big party on Saturday. I think it's fine and would try not to overthink esp as OP knows she's not that close to her.

I wouldn't go to any of it.

Trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together, the host is probably finding the prospect of the party pretty stressful. She usually doesn’t like having big parties at all and has said at times she thinks she might be a bit autistic. So perhaps I’ve fallen on the wrong side of her managing her stress. Still hurtful to exclude just one of the 6, though, IMO.

That's far too passive. It sounds desperate.

Are you sure that its definitely just you who has been left out? Maybe message and ask her- Are [names of all the rest of friendship group] all attending Friday and it's just me not invited to that part? This would serve the dual purpose of checking what's happening and pointing out the unkindness of the situation

Is she paying for everyone?

I would be really hurt by this.

The big difference is that your DH isn’t coming and so perhaps she was hoping that the DHs would watch the kids on the Friday so that the ladies can go off and do their own thing - but surely you’d just say that.

Yes. this is how I’ve been trying to think of it. Although in practice it’s hard hearing the rest of our group planning to go on the Friday. I was asked if I can pick up the cake on Sat that has been ordered and bring on Saturday as all the other friends will already be there on the Friday.

Oh come on that's ridiculous. As if you're going to do her a favour.

Now that does take the biscuit!

I would send this.

No fucking way would I be bringing the cake. I wouldn’t go on the Saturday.

Oh wow, I’m sorry about this - I’d be a bit upset too. Before deciding what to do I’d probably have a think about how it will impact on my relationship with the others in the group, whether you’d still have fun with them on the one night, etc. I’m not saying you should go on account of others, mind you. Maybe you could be away that weekend anyway. I hope there turns out to be a very good reason for her behaviour.

Yes, could be linked to the DH’s being there for the kids. I think there is some set up to be done on the Fri and so I’d possibly have a bit less capacity to help, although to be honest I think my kids would just play with the others and let me help.

@ArcanaQueen she doesn’t sound like a nice person at all, in fact she’s quite nasty. Have you seen this side of her before? I think theres’s more to this than ‘numbers’, is there a back story of some sort? Have you spoken to the other 4 members of the group as they must know you haven’t been invited to the Friday part or do you know if anyone else has been left out? If it’s just you and your 2 children who have been excluded then that’s a really mean thing to do, 3 extra people will hardly break the bank! Also, do all the children know each other as leaving 2 children out is just low. Do you generally feel included and happy when the 6 of you are together? You’ve invited her to your wedding etc so you obviously feel she’s a close friend.

My instinct is she’s jealous of you in some way or jealous of your life in general. Does your DH like her and what does he think of this situation? Would he actually want to go to this event if he wasn’t busy? I sometimes think men are better judges of people (my own DH included) and give a good / different perspective on things.

I’d be “forgetting” the cake or throwing it at her face (joking!) in this case.

I’d not be going at all and I’d message her to tell her to pick her own cake up.
In fact I’d probably say shove your cake up your arse!
Have you had any contact from any of the others in the group about it? If I was one of the others I’d feel very uncomfortable that one person was being treated like this.

Who asked you to bring the cake?
The Birthday Host herself or one of the other Friday Nighters?

It would be a "Hell, No"

I also second this.

They want you to bring the cake ??cheeky fuckers!
Don't you bloody dare !

If you are sure all of the group except you have been invited on Friday I wouldn’t attend at all and would withdraw from this group.

Wow - you're expected to pick up the cake?
The cheek of her.

That cake should go up her arse.

Why are you making excuses for her? I’ve got an autistic friend and she doesn’t behave like this.

It’s a definite snub, excluding you out of a group even if you aren’t that close to her. She knows it’s her 50th celebrations and knows the stresses around it. What would you do next time you all meet up, listen in silence to them talk about the Friday celebrations?

Omg, let’s hope no one in the group becomes a lone parent - she’ll drop them like a hot brick.

One of the other Friday nighters