To be hurt I’m not invited to the whole of my friend’s 50th?

[ArcanaQueen]

I’m part of a 6 women friendship group. The group has quite a strong identity, we always meet for each other’s birthdays and we go away for a weekend together every year. One of the group is having a glamping/camping party for her 50th. It has become apparent that while I’m only invited for the Saturday night, the rest of the friendship group is invited for Friday and Saturday nights. I get that she and I aren’t as close as some of the relationships in the group. She sent me a text saying do I mind just coming on Saturday as she’s trying to keep numbers low for Friday. AIBU to feel quite hurt? Saturday night is the main party night with more people coming so perhaps I should just feel happy with that, and ordinarily I would if it wasn’t for the friend group context re. the Friday night, which just feels a bit “ouch”.

This is why I don’t bother with many ‘friends’ now. Happy in my own space anyway.

"Ouch! Way to rub in that I'm on the B list Friend"

Yeah thats rough but not sure any of the advice on here is particularly sound though.

I wouldn't respond for a while to be honest until you sort your feelings out. Rejection from any group hits hard, especially if you are a bit blindsided and the only one.

See how you feel on the Saturday.. but my childish self would agree to go and then be "sick" but not tell her until after the bakery is shut.

It’s not, you know. It depends on the outcome the OP wants. She can’t make the hosting friend magically closer to her, or dictate her invitations. She has one choice, whether to attend or not, with the subsidiary choice of if/how she responds to the text.

If, as it sounds, the friendship group is important to her and she wants to retain it, the very last thing she should be doing is sidelining herself further or trying to get the group to take sides or boycott the party or the stuff some people are boycotting. She’s naturally hurt that the host has singled her out as the one to be cut from their group, but it’s in her hands whether she lets this end her participation in a friendship group she values.

Just someone who has grown out of teenage insecurities and has a sense of proportion.

Just say that you feel awkward being the only one of the group that’s just invited to the Saturday so you prefer to give the whole weekend a miss. You wish whatever her name is a happy birthday. Don’t Mention The Cake.

It isn't teenage insecurities. It is beyond bad manners to exclude one of a group of friends. You might think manners and kindness don't count but fortunately most people disagree.

I’d send her a message saying that I am extremely hurt to be the only one not included in the whole weekend and leave it at that

I think i would definitely say sonething to her about it being hurtful and asking about it. Otherwise either uou put up witb it and go but you have doubts and never feel secure in the friendship group again, or you lose them as friends anyway. Its lose lose without some kind of conversation to establish what is going on here. My DH tackled something similar recently - he asked what happened on x night and said it was hurtful to be missed out. I was proud of him and it was all sorted out. We'd been thinking of reasons, eg, we weren't as close as the other people but withoutva conversation you can only speculate, and that really impacts on the future relationships.

The mature thing to do would be to ring her and find out what her worries are and if they can be overcome.

I think teenage insecurities are more aligned to accepting this type of shit treatment.

You do have 2 perfectly reasonable choices -
1 Go and enjoy it with your kids. Review the friendship at a later point. 2. Decline (illness whatever) and do something else with your kids. Review the friendship at a later point.

Either is perfectly valid. Do what works for you. Sort out the other stuff later.

It will be worth you considering whether you are putting in more effort than what you get back. Friendships come in all shapes but they shouldn’t make you feel insecure or lesser. But you don’t have to work through it immediately. Prioritise what you need.

And this is a 50-year-old? Just goes to show that some people never grow up.

I'd be inclined to respond along the lines that I'm afraid I have other plans. But thanks for thinking of me.

I'd also be inclined to pursue friendships on a more individual basis in future. I really can't abide these dynamics and find they are best avoided.

This, you’ll be grateful in the long run I think.

They’ve all got daughters. The girls want a night together.

you’re not as close with this woman as your other friends are.

#molehill

Depends on how annoyed I felt. If I felt really snubbed then I wouldn't go at all. But there are other folk only going on Saturday so it's not just you.

This is the best advice. If she doesn't already know she is being hurtful by excluding her from the whole weekend then pointing out is just giving the OP more opportunity to get hurt.

Awkwardity is the best option, and you can explain that to other people to without sounding... diminished. Protect your peace first and worry about everyone else second.

That is a real dick move on her part. I couldn’t help think less of her now and lose interest in her friendship. Tricky bit of course if the friendship group.

I would either reply with ‘Ouch! Who else is just invited for Saturday?’ Or ‘oh, ok, I think I will leave it then. Hope you all have fun!’ Depending on whether I still wanted to go or not.

That's just not on, I wouldn't go either. And they can sort the bloody cake out themselves.

Honestly, if I was you I wouldn't be going. If you've been singled out as a lesser friend with a lesser role in the activities, why on earth would you want to be there and everyone also see that.
Nope

I get that she and I aren’t as close as some of the relationships in the group.

Well, that's it then, why are you bothered?

Having said that, I have a group of five friends and can't imagine missing one out. But we are all equally close.

Not on Mn. They’re all about sending passive aggressive texts about sparing the host the bother of accommodating her on Saturday too, and posting it all on the main friend group WhatsApp to try to get the others to show loyalty by boycotting the whole event.

I think this is great, if you do want to decline the Sat now.

With the Dads present.

I wouldn't personally do this. OP has already said she's less close to this woman than other members of the group. The reasons are clear: they don't particualrly like one another. although showing this feeling in such pointed terms as this when you're in a close-knit group is very poor behaviour.

Also, in circumstances where people try to find out if a problem exists they often couch it in terms of 'Have I done something wrong'. This is back-to-front - and also gives the other person ammunition. Don't do that.

'Friend' is the one doing the excluding, ergo she has the problem. Don't pick up others' baggage for them and make a them problem into a you problem. 'I'm sorry you feel that way' is, granted, a non-apology but it's the only one possible in the circumstances. If she's taken offence at something, as my wise old granny used to say 'she will just have to get happy again!'

Or not. Either way, that isn't OP's problem.