To be hurt I’m not invited to the whole of my friend’s 50th?

[ArcanaQueen]

I’m part of a 6 women friendship group. The group has quite a strong identity, we always meet for each other’s birthdays and we go away for a weekend together every year. One of the group is having a glamping/camping party for her 50th. It has become apparent that while I’m only invited for the Saturday night, the rest of the friendship group is invited for Friday and Saturday nights. I get that she and I aren’t as close as some of the relationships in the group. She sent me a text saying do I mind just coming on Saturday as she’s trying to keep numbers low for Friday. AIBU to feel quite hurt? Saturday night is the main party night with more people coming so perhaps I should just feel happy with that, and ordinarily I would if it wasn’t for the friend group context re. the Friday night, which just feels a bit “ouch”.

Would it fit up her arse? A new party game “fitting the birthday cake up the host’s chocolate starfish”.

Ouch! There’s no way I’d bring the cake for her. In fact I’d politely decline the whole event as I don’t think I’d be able to enjoy it. Although if you only went on Saturday, at least you’d get out of all the set up on Friday. But none of it actually sounds fun

Not quite the point, but noone can be a bit autistic. It's like being pregnant- you either are or you aren't. And autism isn't a synonym for rude.

Definitely lob this favour back to them then.

That is so cheeky! If I even did this job I'd be tempted to add my own appropriate message to the top of the cake!
Honestly, I would avoid the whole weekend, she's been really nasty to exclude 1 person from a group of 6 friends. I'd also be upfront with the whole group as to why you are not coming so the birthday girl can't spin it back on you.

Exactly.

Wow

You're not good enough to be included in our regular group of 6 for the whole weekend, but good enough to do labour for it as we'll be too busy already kicking back and enjoying ourselves at the event to do it ourselves.

What were the actual messages??

Was it pre-arranged and intentional that they come on Friday and the others don’t - so a private party type thing

or was it more a couple of them said that they don’t mind coming the night before and helping to set up etc and it’s just ended up being the others of the group but it wasn’t intentionally planned that way?

Bluntly, I wouldn't accept this is a numbers issue. That's just the reason she's given you.

After all, it's the reason anyone posting on MN is advised to give if they don't want to include someone in something for any reason.

I'd respond with something similar to this

"I'm actually quite hurt by this and not sure how to respond. It seems weird and unkind to exclude one person out of the group, but obviously it's your choice. Don't know what else to say."

I'd probably say strange rather than weird and unkind though.

I wouldn't go to the one night either.

It's not so much that one night, it's what it says about the entire friendship group, the dynamics and your place in it going forwards.

Someone else commented that they thought people would grow out of this sort of thing but, sadly, I'm in my 50s and, yes, it still goes on.

And it’s also been a really hard road for my kids as their Dad died. So I’d appreciate them being included in the same way as others. For years my childcare situation has been complicated, now getting easier as I’ve just remarried but DH isn’t available to them all the time due to commitments to his son.

I was thinking this too - real mean girl stuff and surely people should have grown out of this stuff by age 50, or even have enough life experience to understand that this kind of behaviour isn’t on.

I suspect that the Friday plan involves the fathers dealing with childcare on their own. She perhaps doesn’t want a situation where your DCs are tagging along with you/the women, changing the dynamic.

If I’m right, it’s a shame she couldn’t have been upfront because you could have left your DCs out of Friday’s arrangement or asked one of the dads to keep an eye on them.

edited to add that I posted this before seeing your comment about your children’s dad. I’m very sorry for their loss and yours.

Not a chance I'd be doing this!

Just how dismissive does she want to be?

Whatever else, OP, I agree you should not do her a favour unless you can establish that there is an innocent misunderstanding behind this. Which she could then correct, so you would not be available for errands.

Grasping at straws: I am not clear who is going on the Friday. If families, is it possible that there are dynamics between the DC you are unaware of, making things simpler without yours? (Not a question of right and wrong, not necessarily justifiable, merely simpler?)

If women only, could she be unaware that you can make childcare plans in the absence of DH? You implied otherwise, but are you sure?

If these ‘reasons’ do not hold I love the response suggested by @Shedmistress . However if you are particularly close to someone in the group, getting their view of the situation first might be helpful.

Oh, I'd definitely try stuffing that cake up her a-hole.
With a sharp stick procured from the garden.

I would just bow out of the weekend and do something fun with your children ... late in the day. Let them sort the cake as they all seem to know you're not coming Friday ... suppose the only question there is, do they think it's your decision to not come Friday or the host's?

Not read whole thread but I’m a bit 🙄 at this lady saying she might be autistic. Is that just her making an excuse for her behaviour?

Oh wow, that must have been so tough. All I would say is do what you think you make a feel a little better, not the thing that will just make you more miserable and potentially bitter. I really hope this is all a mistake or that it turns out other people are also uninvited.

What a horrible person she is very cruel.
Don't be picking up the cake.

Cringe.

agree about relying to say you’ll help keep the numbers low the whole weekend and declining the invite.

1 out of a group of 6 being excluded is horrible.

id also make sure the whole group knew. So id be posting on the group “Im sure you’re aware Sally has asked me not to attend the Friday night to “help keep numbers low”. So I’ve decided I’m not attending all weekend to help her keep numbers low and because to me this is not how a friendship group of 6 operates - by excluding 1. I wish the rest of you a pleasant weekend.

If I was 1 of the other people I’d be boycotting out of respect for you. I hope your friendship group works the same way.

Yes, I would be hurt if you are a group of six and the other five are going on the Friday night

I’m sure the party planning is stressful, but essentially telling you that you’re the only second-tier friend of the group is mean and I’d be feeling hurt if it were me.

Good one

Are you sure OP that the group of 6 is as set as you think? I know this isn’t a nice thought but is it possible the others actually see each other a fair bit more?

I have a group a bit like this - there’s 7 of us and 2 of us (me and another) are included for the weekend away and big dos but I’m pretty sure the others meet up a fair in between and we 2 don’t. I don’t really mind as have other mates and the others have more shared history. There’s the odd occasion where it stings though.