To be hurt I’m not invited to the whole of my friend’s 50th?

[ArcanaQueen]

I’m part of a 6 women friendship group. The group has quite a strong identity, we always meet for each other’s birthdays and we go away for a weekend together every year. One of the group is having a glamping/camping party for her 50th. It has become apparent that while I’m only invited for the Saturday night, the rest of the friendship group is invited for Friday and Saturday nights. I get that she and I aren’t as close as some of the relationships in the group. She sent me a text saying do I mind just coming on Saturday as she’s trying to keep numbers low for Friday. AIBU to feel quite hurt? Saturday night is the main party night with more people coming so perhaps I should just feel happy with that, and ordinarily I would if it wasn’t for the friend group context re. the Friday night, which just feels a bit “ouch”.

That was thoughtless and mean of her

And in any case, what sort of diva has 2 birthday parties on both Friday and again on Saturday

YANBU to be upset. I'd collect the cake and still go but then maybe focus on the people in the group you're the closest to and see them separately in the future.

I wouldn’t be doing this - just makes you look like a drama queen.

OP you could tell her you’re not coming on the Saturday but do you like the others? Would you be cutting off your nose to spite your face if you didn’t go? Would you and the DC enjoy the outing on the Saturday? If so, I’d still go and enjoy myself. And then distance myself from birthday friend in the future, or if you feel it’s worth the effort, contact her after the party’s over after a few days and explain you were hurt.

That's just a plain no from me and if I had been thinking of going I wouldn't be now.

And I'd tell her why.

When she asked if you mind, what did you say? Please
tell me you said you do mind

It's rude and hurtful. Honestly, I'd cut them all off and get some new friends. I think the others are weak for not standing up for you. You dont needvpll like that. It's very ' playground' isnt it.

How mean given your loss. I know you have remarried but that's not the point, party girl seem to have no sensitivity.

I would reply...
"I have just realised that I am the only one of our 6 excluded on Friday night and I have no idea why. Given I find it really quite hurtful, I think it best that I give the weekend a miss. I'm sure you will have a lovely time. All the best..."

Fucking hell this is horrible.

Don’t go at all. And definitely don’t be doing them any fucking favours!

She is a cheeky cunt!! As if she asked you to bring the cake on the Saturday!!! You sound like a nice person OP.. don't let this woman walk all over you!

This. 100%

Send this text OP. It is perfect.

The cake picking up would be a hard no from me .
Perhaps she's only inviting you that day because she has that job that needs doing .

I'm afraid I'd be reminding her you included the whole group to your celebrations and are hurt she hasn't got the same goodwill as you .
" So no I won't be coming to your party "

1 out of a group of 6 being excluded is horrible.

Yes. Excluding one family out of six families doesn't make it any better.

My friendship groups have smaller stuff happening - 3 Marathon runners out of 8 people, 4 that love musical theatre, 4 that love the Chelsea Flower show etc so different people doing stuff together. All good.

But we wouldn't invite 7 out of 8 to an event we all enjoy and have done together in the past.

Please, please don’t give this headspace. Just go, enjoy the Saturday night and your friends. Your kids will have a great time and you can too.

Group situations throw up all sorts of issues and, at my advanced age, I just can’t get upset about ‘who invited who’. All sorts of things come into play - numbers, cost, kid dynamics, partners.

If you get all offended and dwell on it, who suffers? Not them. What’s that phrase about bearing a grudge is ‘like drinking poison and expecting your enemy to die’.

Be grateful you don’t have to do two night’ camping I say. And I’d collect the cake, because you’re a nice person and it looks churlish not to.

Just don't go. I wouldn't say why as it would cause awkwardness with the rest of the group. Just make a vague excuse and leave her to it. It's a shit to do, exclude one.

ugh no.. this is terrible advice. You are basically telling the OP to be a doormat ffs. Fuck being a nice person who gets walked over. I think OP's friend is the churlish one!!

This is absolutely awful, especially since the reason your DC won’t have their dad there is because he’s passed.

So you’re good enough to pick up the cake, but not good enough to be there for the whole weekend?

Being the only one of the six excluded is absolutely awful. And by the way, I’m AuDHD so she can fuck off with her “little bit autistic” excuses.

I really don’t think you should go. It’s humiliating to be thrown a few breadcrumbs. You deserve so much more than being treated like second best.

Have you replied to her yet?

Do you have other friends - is this your main friendship group?

Will refusing this event blow up the friendship group for the future - and if so, do you care? As it’s one of the rest of the group that’s asked you to pick up the cake they clearly all know you’ve been left out. I don’t think these are your friends - they’re treating you like a hanger-on.

I wouldn’t go OP - I think I’d say something like “Being the only one out of our group not invited for the Friday is a bit humiliating, tbh. To avoid any awkwardness on your weekend I think it’s probably best that me and the DC bow out completely. I hope it goes well.”

I wouldn’t demean yourself by going OP. I’m so sorry this has happened 💐

God, don't do this unless you want to lose the whole group of friends.

Show some class and maintain your dignity by just being busy that Sat night.

Exactly.

I don't particularly like my partner's daughter in law. There are many reasons for this.

But, assuming I have a hen do of sorts before we get married, I'll still invite her. Because it would be downright rude to include his sister and daughter and not her. And would say a lot more about me than it would about her and my reasons for disliking her.

It would be a clear statement to the others and put them in an uncomfortable position. It would make things awkward in the family going forwards too.

Hi again, OP -

If you have one trusted friend in the group you can discuss this with, rest assured that they will spread the word about what happened. I think that looks much better than doing it yourself.

This hits just the right tone and I think would be a good message to send.

Respectfully, this kind of childish spite and trying to escalate your individual snub into becoming everyone’s problem is why so many Mners struggle with friendship. It’s not a whole-class party for Reception omitting one child. It’s a huge weekend party involving lots of different friendship groups and the OP acknowledges that while the ‘group’ identity in his individual group is strong, she and the woman hosting the party aren’t close.

OP, of course you’re not unreasonable to feel mildly hurt, but I think @pinkdelight is right in her approach. If the group as a whole it’s important to you, then I don’t think you should cut your nose off to spite your face. If you will enjoy the Saturday, attend it.

Absolutely terrible advice!

OP, I would also find this really hurtful.

It appears all the others are well aware you are not invited on Friday also. Are you particularly close to any of them and would you feel comfortable contacting them to ask if they are aware of why? Or if any of the group has expressed surprise or questioned it?

I feel it would not only affect my relationship with party host but also with the others who seem to be happy to just go along with it.

I don't think some women ever do, forever the playground mentality.....

You sound like the biggest wet wipe ever.