Feeling so let down after Father's death.

[isthisjusthowitis]

My Dad died in June. It was somewhat unexpected, albeit he was in his 80's. He lived at the other end of the Country. His funeral was arranged quite quickly, and I took 5 days off work (I'm self employed), and in that 5 days we travelled to his place, cleared out his small flat, held the funeral, and travelled back on day 5. Then I was back to work on day 6 - no way around this, given the nature of my business. It was a whirlwind few days, but I'm glad we got everything done quickly rather than dragging it out.

I've been rather shocked at people's lack of empathy. I had 4 sympathy cards - one from SIL, one from my Dad's oldest friend, one from a customer and one from a local (newish) friend. Not one of my oldest friends (of 30+ years) has sent a card. Most have texted, but a few haven't even sent a text. No card from MIL, and no flowers sent to the funeral either. There were around 30 people at the funeral and not one of them sent flowers. Only newish friend (mentioned before) texted me on the day of the funeral to wish me luck. None of my oldest friends bothered to do that, or even asked how it went afterwards.

Me and DH now back at work, and.....that's it.

I think people text in place of sending cards these days.

Sounds like you had a lot of support actually. All those people who sent texts … does that not count in your eyes ?
Who sends cards nowadays?

I think funeral and mourning rituals are on the decline. I'm sorry you lost your dad 💐

Grief can be a long, sometimes private, quite strange road imo. It can bring up all sorts of thoughts and feelings. Do your friends connect with you to enable you to talk about ypur dad? Do you have time to see them i wonder, generally? You sound busy. Giving time imo, connecting, is more important than sending a card.

I think you're grieving and looking for something to fix your anger on. Perfectly natural and a real stage of the grief process. Don't let it consume you to the point you push people away.

People text instead of cards these days. That's how it is and you cannot dictate what others should or shouldn't do.

Sorry for your loss.

Funeral flowers are bloody expensive! When my Mum died my dad got some cards but I didn't get any at all. My friends sent me texts and that show of support was enough. I had lunch with my best friend a few weeks later. I'm sorry for your loss.

People who give a shit enough to go and buy a card and post it.

OP, I had the same when my DF died. My BF didn’t even contact me until after the funeral which was 3 weeks after he died. I only heard from a couple of my friends. It’s very hurtful. I’m sorry for your loss. 💐

Very sorry for your loss.

I think the cards and flowers thing has changed a lot. 15/20 years ago my then boyfriends mum died and there were masses and masses of cards. Whereas when. my wonderful MIL died a few years ago and DH got maybe 4 or 5 cards.

I think in general card sending is on the decline. I'd try and focus on the fact that lots of people did text, the sentiment and the words are what count.

Cards and flowers tend not to be wanted these days, so it’s not surprising that people don’t send them, especially flowers - people often find them distressing to have around. And sending cards in general has declined now there are other ways to message people.

I am really sorry for your loss op. Been there. Some people just don't understand - yet.

I think you have also been hit by changing patterns of behaviour. Some people look at you as if you were Victorian if you talk if sending a card or letter. They are becoming things of the past. Ditto flowers. IME, people usually ask for no flowers/just family flowers now, and suggest a donation instead, which is often ignored, and so it's becoming the norm to send nothing.

Funerals are, I believe, for the living, rather than the dead, and you, understandably, don't feel you have said your goodbyes properly yet, as that short week didn't give you time to focus properly and be supported. Can you invite close family/supportive friends to a meal in Dad's honour, perhaps on a special day, or au a special place he would have liked? Take some nice photos of him, raise a glass to him, and share memories in

I’m sorry for your loss, OP. I do agree that sympathy cards and funeral flowers are in steep decline, and texts have essentially replaced sympathy cards. I don’t think it suggests any less care, only a changed norm.

And, I also think, as a non-Brit who spent years living in England, as a culture, you’re deeply uncomfortable with bereavement. I was totally taken aback in different workplaces to see how little acknowledged colleagues’ returning from their parents’ funerals were. I don’t think it means you care less for one another’s bereavements, I just think you’re far more inhibited about saying so.

share memories together, or just talk about him . . .

Sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is so difficult.

I wouldn't have sent a card, but I would have texted, and, if we were close, sent flowers. I do understand why people don't in this economy, though, to be honest. I've sent funeral flowers recently. They're very expensive.

Christmas cards are also in sharp decline, as are birthday cards. It’s not about not ‘giving a shit’, just that there are different ways of telling someone you’re thinking of them at a difficult time now.

Definitely! I wouldn’t even know where to buy a stamp to be able to send a card…and they all either have sickening verses on the front… or washed out painted flowers. Texting from friends is now a thoughtful way to show care…the poster obviously has friends who care .

Sorry for your loss

All funerals that I have attended in the last few years ask for no or family flowers only & a donation to a nominated charity

Most people text or use social media now, instead of cards

Please spend time thinking positive things about your DDad

People seem to always stipulate no flowers for funerals these days so your friends may have assumed that was your default.

sorry for your loss x

I’m in my sixties and agree very few people send cards now. For many it’s an environmentally aware decision. Texting is far more the norm.

Most funerals I have been involved in recently say no flowers. Again it’s just seen as wasteful.

What I appreciated when my dad died was the support of friends and family who were happy to listen to me talk about my dad. That meant a lot more than cards or flowers.

I’m really sorry your dad died 💐💐💐

So sorry you feel like this. I never send sympathy cards as I hate them but I do always text and be supportive

You wouldn't know where to buy a stamp? If you really couldn't think there is always Moonpig or similar companies.

Good grief it would be a cold day in hell before I sent a text instead of a sympathy card!

I agree with this.

We lost 3 very close relatives within a 12 month period during COVID. It was horrendous and traumatic beyond belief. To this day we're still dealing with it as a family.

Honestly, it was the friends who were there during the hard yards that I was really thankful for. Not the ones who sent obligatory cards and then forgot. The ones who asked how you were doing over a coffee or were happy for the tears to flow over a glass of wine. Sentiment is so much more important and the mark of true friendship.

We live in a performative society these days thanks to social media. The real meaning of support has been somewhat lost. Give your friends a chance @isthisjusthowitis they may surprise you in the long run.

I wouldn't send a sympathy card and wouldn't want one.

Death is one of those things where people feel very awkward about. Especially as you were back to work fairly quickly they probably thought you just wanted to get on with your work and not dwell on things.
Not giving flowers at funerals is fairly common these days with people giving donations to a charity of choice instead.
I am sure that people do not mean to be rude or unthoughtful they just are lost as to what to do or say