Feeling so let down after Father's death.

[isthisjusthowitis]

My Dad died in June. It was somewhat unexpected, albeit he was in his 80's. He lived at the other end of the Country. His funeral was arranged quite quickly, and I took 5 days off work (I'm self employed), and in that 5 days we travelled to his place, cleared out his small flat, held the funeral, and travelled back on day 5. Then I was back to work on day 6 - no way around this, given the nature of my business. It was a whirlwind few days, but I'm glad we got everything done quickly rather than dragging it out.

I've been rather shocked at people's lack of empathy. I had 4 sympathy cards - one from SIL, one from my Dad's oldest friend, one from a customer and one from a local (newish) friend. Not one of my oldest friends (of 30+ years) has sent a card. Most have texted, but a few haven't even sent a text. No card from MIL, and no flowers sent to the funeral either. There were around 30 people at the funeral and not one of them sent flowers. Only newish friend (mentioned before) texted me on the day of the funeral to wish me luck. None of my oldest friends bothered to do that, or even asked how it went afterwards.

Me and DH now back at work, and.....that's it.

Many local ones have closed down & we now need to travel to a town or find a local petrol station that doubles as a post office. I still think a text shows care!

Our supermarket only sells books of 6!

I see an online moonpig card much the same as a txt!

I think funerals and weddings are the exception to the ‘cards are dying out’ excuse.

That's not the same thing as saying good luck though is it?

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. That is really poor form from your oldest friends.
I would be tempted to let them know how hurt you are. It's crap.
When my DF passed away I didn't get flowers from my oldest friend group either....and yet a few years later when one of my friend's FIL died, our friend group arranged to send her and her DH flowers! I did feel hurt. People are probably just busy/thoughtless rather than meaning to hurt you, but still.....they should do better!

I’d prefer a text. A card is just going to be put in the recycling. A text can be shared if needs be.

Cards in general are a thing of the past. The only people I know that still write Christmas cards for example, are the elderly.

Agreed. I have family in Eastern Europe and the flowers on the graves there are heaving - you can't see the earth for the beautiful bouquets. I appreciate it's just a cultural thing, but it does all look a bit pitiful and sad here :(

But OP is in her 50s like me - where cards are still a 'thing' - for funerals anyway. I think it's poor form for her oldest friendship group (presumably same age) to not send a card...

Lots of people still send cards.

Not as many as did in the past. And even fewer would send funeral flowers.

They are not sent to remind you of your loved one's death ( not as if you can forget) they are sent as an acknowledgement that people care.

I’m still waiting for a fucking text message from my MIL to acknowledge that my father (her grandchildren’s much-loved grandfather) has died - we are nearly 6 months on.

In short, some people are shit. Some people will be wonderful. Be gentle with yourself, the anger will come and go. These people will still be shitheads who don’t think beyond themselves. It’s not about you, or your lovely dad. Xx

I do think times have changed, I don’t tend to send cards, but I would text. It’s a 3 mile drive, plus parking to buy a card, plus a stamp and then find a post box! The joys of working from home mean I just don’t get out. I’m not keen on sites like Moonpig, I’d rather text than have someone print my words. For my closest friends there would be flowers, not to the funeral, to their homes to tell them I’m thinking of them. I found when my Dad died a few years ago, my mum still received several cards from her friends, I had a couple. I don’t know if it’s because her generation still send cards and mine don’t or because it was her husband and for me my dad.

sorry for your loss.

I promise you that a grieving person will notice who put themselves out to express their condolences and who didn’t. Just send the bloody card.

I think the old tradition of sending flowers to the funeral is pretty much finished. The immediate family often do but not others unless they are invited to do so. Most funerals I’ve been to in the last few years are very clear about ‘immediate family flowers only’ or ‘no flowers’. They are often seen for such a short period especially if the service is at a crematorium. This is why I send flowers to the bereaved family who can (hopefully) take some comfort from them in this bleak times after the funeral.

Sorry to hear about your dad. This does seems so strange to me. But might be a cultural thing. We do wakes and cards and show up when someone dies. Flowers are often asked to be family only and in lieu a charity donation is suggested but this sounds like people where just not bothered. I think people have become incredibly self centered. People have stopped sympathy cards because it takes a small effort and they can't be arsed.

Sorry for your loss OP. I have never ever been to a funeral that wasn’t ‘family flowers only’, so it wouldn’t even cross my mind to send flowers. I’m also one of ‘the younger generation that don’t do cards’. But you’d get a message from me to say I was thinking of you.

I’m 53. So I’m at an age when parents are dropping off. I’d send a text to friends when a parent dies and vice versa. We none of us do cards.

I did love getting flowers when my parents died though. I had them non stop for several weeks. One friend paid for a year long monthly subscription when my dad died, which was lovely. Several others bought me plants for the garden.

I once sent a text to someone and they got offended that I didn't send a card - so you can't win or please everyone! I'm still of the mindset that cards are most thoughtful and they take more effort. Each to their own I guess.
Yes, flowers are always lovely :)

The responses here are extraordinary. If I care about someone I will always send at least a card, flowers if they would be welcome, or I will attend. Not checking in is also incredibly thoughtless. You have just lost a parent and the least people close to you can do is acknowledge the enormity of that loss (and not by spending 10 seconds on a throwaway text). Unfortunately I think a lot of people are thoughtless nowadays. I’m sorry that this has been your experience.

Having read the posts above I realise that sending cards is no longer popular among young people.
It did however remind that just a few weeks after losing my DF I was visiting the in-laws who had never offered me even a verbal condolence .
Their kitchen windowsill had about half a dozen sympathy cards relating to the death of their elderly cat.
I wonder if some of the reluctance surrounding sympathising with the bereaved is connected to social awkwardness and avoidance rather than an aversion to cards.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

My mother in law was so angry about receiving sympathy cards when her husband died I don’t think I will ever send one again. I also didn’t know you should send flowers at a funeral. Every funeral I’ve been to has said to make a donation to a charity.

That’s true for some people. Clearly not OP.

If you are close to someone, you should know their preferences. For you, you wouldn’t welcome calls, visits or cards (and these would be thrown out!). That’s amazing to me - but if I knew you IRL hopefully I’d know this about you.

Likewise, OP’s friends and close family should be aware of who she is & what support she needs. If not, they check eg make a call, if OP doesn’t answer, they know she doesn’t want to talk etc.

That’s shocking, I cannot believe management didn’t reply to that email. Even procedurally, if not from basic humanity. 🥺