Feeling so let down after Father's death.

[isthisjusthowitis]

My Dad died in June. It was somewhat unexpected, albeit he was in his 80's. He lived at the other end of the Country. His funeral was arranged quite quickly, and I took 5 days off work (I'm self employed), and in that 5 days we travelled to his place, cleared out his small flat, held the funeral, and travelled back on day 5. Then I was back to work on day 6 - no way around this, given the nature of my business. It was a whirlwind few days, but I'm glad we got everything done quickly rather than dragging it out.

I've been rather shocked at people's lack of empathy. I had 4 sympathy cards - one from SIL, one from my Dad's oldest friend, one from a customer and one from a local (newish) friend. Not one of my oldest friends (of 30+ years) has sent a card. Most have texted, but a few haven't even sent a text. No card from MIL, and no flowers sent to the funeral either. There were around 30 people at the funeral and not one of them sent flowers. Only newish friend (mentioned before) texted me on the day of the funeral to wish me luck. None of my oldest friends bothered to do that, or even asked how it went afterwards.

Me and DH now back at work, and.....that's it.

I know cards are on the decline but I would be upset too surprised at home many people think a text is enough. When a friends parent has died we normally get flowers from that group of friends

I think you’re still in shock . Also think that although people do care it’s hard for them to know what to say , they don’t realise that just to say something would be good ,

OP you have just reminded me that i have forgotten to send a card to my friend. I have talked to her since her mum died, but i have not been well, and the card slipped my mind!
My fil passed recently and my partner only got 3 cards from my side, his side dont have our address as we dont really keep in touch by post so he got a few messages.
I do think mostly though folks just cant be arsed, to go to a shop to get a card, find out somebodys address, post it.
For a relatives funeral, as a family we usually group together to buy a wreath. They could at least have asked if flowers were ok. Some folk want them some folk dont. There is too much to think about these days!

I'm very sorry for your loss, OP. My dad was a similar age to yours and he died suddenly at the end of April. I've lost grandparents, friends and my stepdad previously and I thought the grief would be similar but slightly worse and it's not, it's just life changing. I had two cards from friends, another checked in on me every now and again to see how I was, and another drove me to and from the funeral. Lovely work clients sent me two beautiful bouquets of flowers, which I was very touched by. I was happy with that, but I am a person who comes across as very stoic and I find it very difficult to show my feelings in public so I think people assumed I was fine. I think a lot of people just assume you want space. Please take care of yourself.

Sorry for your loss

You said on your original post that the funeral was at the other end of the country and organised quickly (with 5 days?). Most people need to give notice to take annual leave, it sounds like they’d also need to take at least 2 if not 3 days to account for travel time. It’s not unreasonable that they could not attend in those circumstances.

it is crap if they haven’t reached out though to see how your are or made an effort that way

I’m so sorry, that is so very sad I do agree. I can totally see the difference. I cannot imagine not sharing those major milestones in your life so I’m sorry if I offended you.

I think I just meant 80 and being very fit it can be still such a shock to lose someone who you thought was going to go on for a good few years, maybe naively. I didn’t like the ‘that’s a good age’ comment but that was probably how my grief affected me and I know it wasn’t meant to cause offence because it is actually a good age.

Again, I’m so sorry you lost your mum so young.

I think if you had wanted people to send flowers for the funeral you would have needed to specify that when you sent them the notice about the date and time of the funeral.

Most people would, I think, have assumed that the funeral would be "family flowers only". I know that's what I would have assumed anyway, so I wouldn't have sent any.

If you were a close friend, I might have sent you some flowers though, but only if I wasn't attending the funeral and wouldn't be seeing you in person to offer my condolences first hand.

Goodness me! You are judging people very harshly aren't you?

I would never expect anyone but me and my close family to remember the anniversary of the date that a family member died. How are you expecting them to remember? I often forget the anniversary of my mum's death until a few days later when I might think about it and almost always forget my dad's. The only anniversary date I shall never forget is that of my sons - but none of the rest of my family remembers it.

I don't suppose you have very many, if any "real friends" if you have such high expectations of people.

I’m rubbish with dates and anniversaries, I can hardly remember my own dc’s birthdays. How on earth can I remember the date someone else’s parent died when I can’t remember the date my own DF died. I don’t want to remember dates they seem to me to make people miserable - this thread being an example.

Times are a changing. A lot of people don't send cards any more. I also think sending flowers is becoming increasingly uncommon - they're very expensive, for a start, especially if having to be delivered.

I appreciate your Dad will have meant the world to you but he just won't be as high up on other people's list of important people.

When my Nan died, I was round at my parents' house in between hospital handovers (we also had my brother in hospital fighting for his life at the same time). My MIL swung by. She didn't even mention my Nan or say she was sorry for my loss. And she'll send cards, flowers, gifts etc to strangers. Weird woman.

In any event, I am sorry for your loss.