Feeling so let down after Father's death.

[isthisjusthowitis]

My Dad died in June. It was somewhat unexpected, albeit he was in his 80's. He lived at the other end of the Country. His funeral was arranged quite quickly, and I took 5 days off work (I'm self employed), and in that 5 days we travelled to his place, cleared out his small flat, held the funeral, and travelled back on day 5. Then I was back to work on day 6 - no way around this, given the nature of my business. It was a whirlwind few days, but I'm glad we got everything done quickly rather than dragging it out.

I've been rather shocked at people's lack of empathy. I had 4 sympathy cards - one from SIL, one from my Dad's oldest friend, one from a customer and one from a local (newish) friend. Not one of my oldest friends (of 30+ years) has sent a card. Most have texted, but a few haven't even sent a text. No card from MIL, and no flowers sent to the funeral either. There were around 30 people at the funeral and not one of them sent flowers. Only newish friend (mentioned before) texted me on the day of the funeral to wish me luck. None of my oldest friends bothered to do that, or even asked how it went afterwards.

Me and DH now back at work, and.....that's it.

I know cards are on the decline but I would be upset too surprised at home many people think a text is enough. When a friends parent has died we normally get flowers from that group of friends

I think you’re still in shock . Also think that although people do care it’s hard for them to know what to say , they don’t realise that just to say something would be good ,

OP you have just reminded me that i have forgotten to send a card to my friend. I have talked to her since her mum died, but i have not been well, and the card slipped my mind!
My fil passed recently and my partner only got 3 cards from my side, his side dont have our address as we dont really keep in touch by post so he got a few messages.
I do think mostly though folks just cant be arsed, to go to a shop to get a card, find out somebodys address, post it.
For a relatives funeral, as a family we usually group together to buy a wreath. They could at least have asked if flowers were ok. Some folk want them some folk dont. There is too much to think about these days!

I'm very sorry for your loss, OP. My dad was a similar age to yours and he died suddenly at the end of April. I've lost grandparents, friends and my stepdad previously and I thought the grief would be similar but slightly worse and it's not, it's just life changing. I had two cards from friends, another checked in on me every now and again to see how I was, and another drove me to and from the funeral. Lovely work clients sent me two beautiful bouquets of flowers, which I was very touched by. I was happy with that, but I am a person who comes across as very stoic and I find it very difficult to show my feelings in public so I think people assumed I was fine. I think a lot of people just assume you want space. Please take care of yourself.

Sorry for your loss

You said on your original post that the funeral was at the other end of the country and organised quickly (with 5 days?). Most people need to give notice to take annual leave, it sounds like they’d also need to take at least 2 if not 3 days to account for travel time. It’s not unreasonable that they could not attend in those circumstances.

it is crap if they haven’t reached out though to see how your are or made an effort that way

I’m so sorry, that is so very sad I do agree. I can totally see the difference. I cannot imagine not sharing those major milestones in your life so I’m sorry if I offended you.

I think I just meant 80 and being very fit it can be still such a shock to lose someone who you thought was going to go on for a good few years, maybe naively. I didn’t like the ‘that’s a good age’ comment but that was probably how my grief affected me and I know it wasn’t meant to cause offence because it is actually a good age.

Again, I’m so sorry you lost your mum so young.

I think if you had wanted people to send flowers for the funeral you would have needed to specify that when you sent them the notice about the date and time of the funeral.

Most people would, I think, have assumed that the funeral would be "family flowers only". I know that's what I would have assumed anyway, so I wouldn't have sent any.

If you were a close friend, I might have sent you some flowers though, but only if I wasn't attending the funeral and wouldn't be seeing you in person to offer my condolences first hand.

Goodness me! You are judging people very harshly aren't you?

I would never expect anyone but me and my close family to remember the anniversary of the date that a family member died. How are you expecting them to remember? I often forget the anniversary of my mum's death until a few days later when I might think about it and almost always forget my dad's. The only anniversary date I shall never forget is that of my sons - but none of the rest of my family remembers it.

I don't suppose you have very many, if any "real friends" if you have such high expectations of people.

I’m rubbish with dates and anniversaries, I can hardly remember my own dc’s birthdays. How on earth can I remember the date someone else’s parent died when I can’t remember the date my own DF died. I don’t want to remember dates they seem to me to make people miserable - this thread being an example.

Times are a changing. A lot of people don't send cards any more. I also think sending flowers is becoming increasingly uncommon - they're very expensive, for a start, especially if having to be delivered.

I appreciate your Dad will have meant the world to you but he just won't be as high up on other people's list of important people.

When my Nan died, I was round at my parents' house in between hospital handovers (we also had my brother in hospital fighting for his life at the same time). My MIL swung by. She didn't even mention my Nan or say she was sorry for my loss. And she'll send cards, flowers, gifts etc to strangers. Weird woman.

In any event, I am sorry for your loss.

I haven’t read all the replies, but I really feel for you, OP. I think in these days of social media, people think that sending a text or a Facebook message is enough. It’s not. It doesn’t take much to send a card to let someone know that you’re thinking about them. When I lost my dad after quite a traumatic time watching him die in quite a horrible way, I was devastated and lots of friends didn’t know how to react so stepped away. Now, whenever I know someone who has lost a loved one, I will send a card and reach out to them. Even if they don’t reply, at least they know I’ve tried.

Some of the replies I’ve read have been quite harsh. When you are grieving, you are in a heightened emotional state. You feel things more. You appreciate every little act of kindness and every bit of indifference stings that little bit more too.

So sorry, OP. I think, when it happens to your friends and family, they will appreciate how hard it is. I had people apologise to me for not stepping up more for me when it happened to them.

Yes , I see where you're coming from. A Card, or FLOWERS makes so much difference, and I believe that these small gestures help us to navigate and process GRIEF. I'm so sorry that you are suffering. To lose a father is such a devastating loss, the worst pain ever. I hope that you have some nice photos to remember him by. I hope that you are kind to yourself in the coming weeks and months as you slowly begin to work through your grief. This huge loss will take time to process. Take this time to remember him. Think about your times together and what he meant to you, don't rush . Give it time. God Bless.

Sorry for your loss. Sending flowers to the funeral home just isn’t common these days, even in our rural community where people know each other well. Just family wreaths. Giving a donation to charity in memory of the deceased is however very common and appreciated.

I’ve lost both my mum and my dad in the last few years. I received lots of cards and quite a few bouquets of flowers from friends on both occasions. I had a few texts and social media messages, but most friends sent actual cards. A good friend just sending a text seems cold and uncaring imo.

But some people just don’t think or realise unless they’ve been through it themselves.

But we're all different. I have been through it and didn’t want cards or flowers. That’s the problem, it’s hard to know how to do the right thing when the right thing is not the same for everyone.

I texted at length with my friend when her mum died, and felt embarrassed to send a card on top of that although I did send a present in lieu of flowers.
Now I realise I should have sent a card…

I didn’t particularly want flowers. Especially when my mum died at Xmas. I had to take decorations down to accommodate them all, which made it feel even sadder. But the cards were lovely and the things they wrote about my parents were really comforting. A text would just feel so thoughtless.

I' had 3 family funerals in 4 years (both parents and grandchild). The only flowers were family ones. I thought that was commonplace

Would it matter is the person knew your parents or not? None of my friends know my mum or dad at all. So the card wouldn’t contain anecdotes about them but just generic thinking of you comments - which I would be perfectly happy to get my text (or in person really).

A text still means someone has thought about you and wants you to know that they care - which is more important to me.

I would be disappointed that your MIL didn’t come to the funeral

You're in the minority. It’s what you say in your message however it’s delivered that counts as is being there in the weeks after.

Condolences OP.

There isn't a settled etiquette about cards any more, and the disagreements in this thread are evidence of that. The people sending texts and messages are likely to be doing so because they've correctly ascertained that this is a commonly accepted norm now. Even with people in their 50s and 60s, they'd have been average early 30s when the texting revolution started. People don't necessarily send flowers now either. I would usually look for a charity donations in aid of announcement.

BUT.... I would've expected much more support from friends around the funeral day itself, whatever format it came in. I'm another who would send messages on the day if it were a funeral I couldn't attend.

There’s a difference between sending flowers to someone who’s lost somebody and sending “funeral flowers”.
I recently sent a bouquet of flowers to my godmother after her husband died - and she seemed pleased to receive them. They are displayed in her home and hopefully signal that I am thinking of her.
The funeral still hasn’t taken place and the flowers are nothing to do with the funeral service.
My parents died 10 years and 25 years ago so my experience is out of date but I was very touched when people sent me flowers. We requested a donation to a charity in lieu of funeral flowers - that was a different matter.