Feeling so let down after Father's death.

[isthisjusthowitis]

My Dad died in June. It was somewhat unexpected, albeit he was in his 80's. He lived at the other end of the Country. His funeral was arranged quite quickly, and I took 5 days off work (I'm self employed), and in that 5 days we travelled to his place, cleared out his small flat, held the funeral, and travelled back on day 5. Then I was back to work on day 6 - no way around this, given the nature of my business. It was a whirlwind few days, but I'm glad we got everything done quickly rather than dragging it out.

I've been rather shocked at people's lack of empathy. I had 4 sympathy cards - one from SIL, one from my Dad's oldest friend, one from a customer and one from a local (newish) friend. Not one of my oldest friends (of 30+ years) has sent a card. Most have texted, but a few haven't even sent a text. No card from MIL, and no flowers sent to the funeral either. There were around 30 people at the funeral and not one of them sent flowers. Only newish friend (mentioned before) texted me on the day of the funeral to wish me luck. None of my oldest friends bothered to do that, or even asked how it went afterwards.

Me and DH now back at work, and.....that's it.

So many funerals are family flowers only now that I think other people sending flowers is very rare.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I don’t know how you feel but I understand. I lost both my parents last year and very few people bothered to stir themselves. These are the same people I’ve raced round after and sent notes/flowers/donations for their illnesses and life events. Including the loss of much loved animal companions.

I’ll be honest, there’s people I can’t look at now as I feel so let down by them. Sending you love and you’re in my thoughts.

I think a lot of people say no sympathy cards, no flowers nowadays (flowers especially as it’s sad to see them wilt and die) so unfortunately people have probably assumed they wouldn’t be welcome?

Sorry for your loss, OP 💐❤️

Some people are just thoughtless, but I think that the majority of people do things for others in the way they would prefer others do them. We all handle grief in such different ways that it can be hard to figure out everybody’s preferences. A lot of people are just, awkward? surrounding death.

I prefer not to receive cards/flowers etc. Granted, I’ve only had experience of 2 significant losses. I just found that those visual reminders that I was going through grief quite frustrating and upsetting.
Cards were binned and flowers put out on the compost heap after 3 or 4 days. Looking up at the mantelpiece and being reminded that I’ll never see or speak to my loved ones again just enraged me. I felt the same as you in a way, let down that people I thought knew me well, would think that I wanted to look at a card with a sad message behind it.

A thoughtful text message can be read, closed, and not looked at again; which I favoured.

We are in our 50's and 60's, so card giving is definitely a thing. Ironically the one friend who did give me a card is only in her 30's. At the chapel, they lead you out to where the flowers are, and there were only 4 wreaths, all from immediate family. No one else who was at the funeral had arranged any. That isn't the norm. And I can't believe that MIL didn't send a card or funeral flowers. When her DH died, my father travelled over 400 miles to his funeral. I have one close friend, who hasn't even sent me a text. Surely that's not normal?

I’m so sorry for your loss.
I lost my own Dad last year and FIL just a few weeks ago. Both non UK deaths and in a country where bereavement/ funerals are widely supported by community and extended family.
It was odd in both instances to come back to the UK and find an almost total lack of acknowledgement of the death of a parent from people we are close to and who knew what had happened.
The loss of very elderly parent, while not a tragedy is still a loss at a personal level.
One neighbour and a few close friends kindly acknowledged the death of my Dad but others just never mentioned it.
I would think it extremely rude to meet a friend or colleague who had recently been bereaved and not say at a minimum
“I’m so sorry to hear that your Dad / Mum passed away” , even if no further details were discussed.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad.
I think that cards and flowers are very much becoming a thing of the past, they're so wasteful and expensive that people just don't do them anymore.

So very sorry that your Dad died, and that the process is so difficult 💐

I hope more people express their sympathies to you over the next few weeks. My own father died à couple of years back and I noticed that cards and flowers are in decline, but I did feel very supported by kind words.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I think I am in a minority these days as I think it is so sad to see funerals without flowers. I can also certainly see why you are so upset by so few cards. It doesn't cost much in time or money to send sympathy and perhaps a few words in tribute, for people you have know for years.

I think if a friend didn't want to send a card, then a phone call would be preferred to a text surely? A text seems so impersonal. And not to check in before or after the funeral? Seems so cold to me.

Lots of people

I think most funerals are family flowers only. Others at funeral donate money in person's name to a charity.

I think the "sending flowers to the funeral" thing has rather died a death. It's just not really the done thing any more.
My much-loved uncle (my dads older brother - dad died getting on for a decade ago) died in May. Literally 2 days before the funeral, my 70yo mum goes, "Oh! Should we have sent flowers?" It had honestly not even occurred to me. No extended family sent/asked about flowers when my dad died.

In my own experience when my dad died, regarding condolences, I was surprised by who did, and didn't, send messages of sympathy. A cousins wife, a lady I hadn't previously had much time for (I found her pretty shallow and silly) sent me repeated messages over quite a long period of time. She owed me absolutely nothing, but checked in repeatedly and often. I'd only met her a handful of times.
But another cousin I'd grown up with, who I considered a friend, never once reached out. Didn't say a word before the funeral, or afterwards.

I remember how both made me feel, and now I make a particular effort to be that person who reaches out and checks in.

Neither parents of mine did any of us get a sympathy card. I think they're on their way out tbh, people just don't send them. We did get some flowers for mum though, old friends from far away but again, we asked folk to donate to a charity instead if they'd rather.

I don't think can measure the importance of the day on cards and flowers. People do things their own way.

My DM died in 2019, and DF 2021. I got maybe 3/4 cards on each occasion, but really didn't expect many as I didn't realise it was still 'a thing'.I did receive a dozen or so texts and about 60 messages on Facebook so knew people cared. My uncle died this week. I rang my cousin in USA to send condolences, my Dsis preferred to send a card.

I’m so sorry for your loss and completely understand your disappointment. I felt the same when my DF died last year as I didn’t get any flowers and the only cards came from professionals (i.e. the care home, dad’s solicitors etc). I’ve always sent cards/notes and flowers a few weeks after a funeral to friends so that they knew they were in my thoughts and not being ignored.

In contrast my DSis got so many flowers she had to borrow some of my vases. It hurt a lot at the time but it’s not worth holding on to the hurt.

Some people are funny about death annd don’t know how to broach it with bereaved family and friends. Plus flowers and cards are less of a thing for many people these days. It doesn’t mean they don’t care about you so reach out to them and arrange to meet up. Life is too precious to waste time nursing hard feelings.

Where’s the effort?

I think with the cost of postage and poor delivery times many people just don’t bother with cards anymore. It sounds like your friends did texts in place of cards.
Funeral flowers also seems to be on the decline, many families don’t want the waste and again they’re so expensive. My mum will rant for England on the waste of funeral flowers!

It was always going to feel like the rest of the world has moved on but you've still lost your dad.
Do you send out cards or flowers when someone has something traumatic happen in their lives?
I think money is tight nowadays so sending flowers isn't cheap. Cards aren't convenient/aren't necessarily thought of.
2bh it does sound like you had a fair bit of support but just wasn't what you wanted.
Don't focus on this

I would always send a sympathy card but, to be fair, I think it's very unusual to send flowers these days - and lots of people actively dislike them, either sent to the house or at the funeral itself. I think people much prefer to be able to make a meaningful charitable donation - I'm not sure whether you chose any charities.
But I do think "norms" are changing, so I wouldn't read too much into the lack of cards or flowers.

I’m sorry for your loss. I’m in my 50s and would text. I was in a similar situation recently and took the texts to be in place of cards. I wouldn’t dream of sending flowers apart from to a family member.

Sorry, I didn't mean flowers for me, I meant flowers to the funeral home, that then go in with the coffin in the hearse, and then they get laid outside the chapel for people to view after the service. The only flowers there were from me, my sister, my adult children and my late mum's brother. Every other person at the funeral came along to the service, then came to the wake and ate the food, but not one give flowers. Just a bit weird imo, and not something I would ever do.

As an example I had 5 Xmas cards last year - ( all family) 15 years ago it would have been maybe 30 - I think habits have changed OP and sadly yes I do think people have got out of the habit - same with flowers.

All of the funerals I’ve been to in recent years specifically stated that family would be providing the flowers and that rather than people buying flowers they should donate to a charity. I’m not sure it’s the “done thing” anymore for non family to send flowers to a funeral. I’m 50 and my circle definitely don’t send cards. Do you think that maybe you haven’t had time to properly mourn the death of your father and are subconsciously getting angry at other people. It sounds like you haven’t had a chance to simply sit down, reflect and mourn. Many condolences for your loss.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think your expectations aren't the norm anymore. I'm a similar age to you and no, didn't receive more than one or two cards when parents and in-laws died.

I got lots of texts, which I thought was very tactful. Talking on the phone was so hard in the first weeks. With a text I could reply when I was ready, but still knew I was in their thoughts

I also haven't been to a funeral in years that had flowers from anyone other than immediate family.