Feeling so let down after Father's death.

[isthisjusthowitis]

My Dad died in June. It was somewhat unexpected, albeit he was in his 80's. He lived at the other end of the Country. His funeral was arranged quite quickly, and I took 5 days off work (I'm self employed), and in that 5 days we travelled to his place, cleared out his small flat, held the funeral, and travelled back on day 5. Then I was back to work on day 6 - no way around this, given the nature of my business. It was a whirlwind few days, but I'm glad we got everything done quickly rather than dragging it out.

I've been rather shocked at people's lack of empathy. I had 4 sympathy cards - one from SIL, one from my Dad's oldest friend, one from a customer and one from a local (newish) friend. Not one of my oldest friends (of 30+ years) has sent a card. Most have texted, but a few haven't even sent a text. No card from MIL, and no flowers sent to the funeral either. There were around 30 people at the funeral and not one of them sent flowers. Only newish friend (mentioned before) texted me on the day of the funeral to wish me luck. None of my oldest friends bothered to do that, or even asked how it went afterwards.

Me and DH now back at work, and.....that's it.

I send cards.

Very poor from your MIL, but she has form.
Try not to waste energy upsetting yourself.
Step back from her and match her energy.
Leave her to your husband would e my advice.
As for your friends, it is disappointing for sure.
Mind yourself.
My condolences to you.

When my Dad died I did not get a card from my inlaws. And we've been together 30 years.

It's not the done thing in her culture/family and really I think you're taking offence where none is intended. Funeral flowers in particular are very expensive, very wasteful and most people leave that to the immediate family only.

I think, very gently, your expectations are different to other peoples. Just because you send cards, I personally would text instead. I also wouldn’t buy flowers for a friends parents funeral. When my father died none of my friends sent flowers and I would not have expected that. Flowers are at least £50 upwards and that’s a lot of money to people, especially when you’re at an age where friends parents dying is sadly going to be quite frequent.

I think you should remove your anger and spend time grieving.

We can still see your edit.

Not sending a card does not make you a dick.

My mum died in 2022. I got very few cards. I was 59 then. People did text. Actually it was easier to get a text as talking about it was very upsetting. When my husband died in 2012, he was 50. I got loads of cards , loads of cake and loads of flowers to my house which meant I had to go and buy more vases not helped by the guy on the checkout saying "cheer up it may never happen" he was horrified when I told him the cause of my miserable face.!

People aren't good at dealing with death and bereavement in this country, we try to soften the blow by saying people "passed" but we don't really know what to say.

I would still send a letter even now but I wouldn't send funeral flowers as it's so wasteful.

Flowers are definitely not a thing for most funerals.

I think a lack of cards and flowers is just representative of that not necessarily being how people acknowledge a loss these days. What you’re essentially saying though is that people you are close to haven’t shown you enough care and consideration while you grieve and it’s not unreasonable to be hurt by that.

I’d be annoyed my close friend hadn’t messaged me. Flowers , I just think people don’t send them now. We had none at my Dad’s except on the coffin.

Fair, I appreciate I was hasty there, hence I edited. I can be quite opinionated.

I think a lot of the traditions around death are helpful, though, and bring comfort to people. Texts are very ephemeral things.

I wouldn’t send funeral flowers - in my mind that is immediate family only.

Cards also would mean nothing to me so isn’t something I would think about, I might get one for a surviving spouse but not for the death of a parent,

A text is fine, if I see the person regularly I will talk to them about it, but if not then I wouldn’t phone.

I sent a colleague a 💐 emoji on the day of her mum’s funeral as a token to say I was thinking of her. Which I hope was taken the right way but from this thread I might have caused massive offence!

Flowers these days are a bit of a love/hate thing. They create a maintenance and disposal problem. Some people welcome or at least tolerate this. Many get quickly fed up with it. It's a bit like the balloon- or lantern-release thing. They still go on, despite the well-publicised animal injuries and deaths and pollution they cause. There is an anti-consumerist angle too. It is more common these days to take a step back.

Me too. I have always seen ‘no flowers, family flowers only, donations to… instead’ at funerals, I wouldn’t think to send flowers to non family.

im so sorry about your dad though xxx

I’m in my 50s, and almost no one in any of my fairly wide circles in several countries sends cards for any occasion. In my experience our parents’ generation (mine are in their 80s) the last of the real card givers.

And my uncle (in his late 70s) died in January. Enormous funeral with people outside the church who couldn’t fit in, and his widow didn’t specify no flowers, but there were maybe six wreaths in total, all from immediate family, apart from one from his former workplace. I think that’s quite usual.

It's tricky.
I have a tight knit group of lifelong friends, albeit we live all over the country now. When a parent passes at least 2 of us travel to the funeral and give some support. But I guess that's not common.
I think people don't send flowers anymore, most specify not to.

I felt the exact same thing when my Dad died OP. It showed me who the people who cared were. I didn't even get a message from my cousins, who'd all grown up knowing him as their Uncle.

As a result, we ended up having a direct cremation and I refused to have his wider family at his ashes interment.

Flowers are literally ephemeral things, though.

Sorry for your loss ❤️
It's the norm now to not send flowers, a lot of people ask for none to be sent. Cards aren't all that popular anymore either. It doesn't mean people don't care.

This. There is a tendency to "non funerals" and flowers are often specifically requested not to be sent. I haven't attended a funeral in years where flowers were encouraged.

I also think physical cards are on the decline. I can understand your feelings as losing a parent is a deep loss and you want people to acknowledge the impact.

But it takes 5 seconds to fire off a text. It’s an easy thing to do just to tick a box and say “Yeah, I’ve done my bit”. Even a phone call would show a bit of effort and be more personal. I just think there are situations where texts aren’t really appropriate.

I am a lot younger that you so my experience/expectations are very different.

I would send a text expressing my sympathies but I would not think to send a card.
I definitely wouldn’t ring and would personally find that quite intrusive.

I wouldn’t send flowers unless I was immediate family.

I definitely wouldn’t send a good luck text on the day.

I’m sorry that you feel like you weren’t supported.
I would be especially upset with those that did or said nothing.

But I do think those that did text etc did show you support, just in a different way than you’re used to.
It’s likely the majority of people sent texts to them instead of cards and so they did the same going forward.

I wouldn’t take this personally and I think this is just a part of your grief.

I am sorry for your loss 💐

I’m so sorry for your loss @isthisjusthowitis

I’m in Ireland, and I’m sure you know, we do things very differently here. For example, funerals are not by invitation and are attended usually in large numbers.

Even with those differences, you are not being unreasonable.

I would always send a card; I would also call & continue to check in, as it’s the days & weeks after the funeral that are very hard.

Regardless of the format, it’s such poor form that those close to you didn’t make the effort. I would absolutely have to say something to your close friend about that.

It’s not usual here to send flowers. However, I’m so sorry you hadn’t more thoughtful support, you absolutely deserved that.

Take care of yourself.

Kindly you've had loads of support. I didn't realise anyone sent flowers to a funeral now and cards are more for the over 70s. We've lost FIL this month and 2 friends clubbed together to send our family flowers which was lovely of them but I felt unnecessary. We got one card from a friend of the deceased but she's in her 70s and again I was surprised to get it. MIL hasn't got lots of cards considering she's lost her husband and is in the age bracket for card sending.

I have turned up for friends parents funerals where its our local church but not for further afield. I can't take time off work for random funerals.

I texted my friend on her first fathers day without her dad. I didn't text all my friends who'd lost someone on mothers/fathers day but I thought of them. And at Christmas. I pray for the souls of the departed but I don't tell my friends.

I don't think you should be getting annoyed at lack of support if they texted you. It's hard to know how much more to say about death. Grief goes on a long time. People know that. But it's not necessary to be signalling support at every turn.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. I recently lost my dad and have also been surprised by the lack of sympathy from some people.

I've thought back to what I've done in the past for friends who have lost parents and I've always sent a card to close friends. I would message if we weren't so close. I do agree with others that card-sending is on the decline for all occasions, although, like you, for my age, perhaps not that unusual still.

It's generally the lack of just a simple 'I'm sorry' or 'how are you doing?' especially from work, who haven't said anything.

Really? Have you never heard of a post office?