Feeling so let down after Father's death.

[isthisjusthowitis]

My Dad died in June. It was somewhat unexpected, albeit he was in his 80's. He lived at the other end of the Country. His funeral was arranged quite quickly, and I took 5 days off work (I'm self employed), and in that 5 days we travelled to his place, cleared out his small flat, held the funeral, and travelled back on day 5. Then I was back to work on day 6 - no way around this, given the nature of my business. It was a whirlwind few days, but I'm glad we got everything done quickly rather than dragging it out.

I've been rather shocked at people's lack of empathy. I had 4 sympathy cards - one from SIL, one from my Dad's oldest friend, one from a customer and one from a local (newish) friend. Not one of my oldest friends (of 30+ years) has sent a card. Most have texted, but a few haven't even sent a text. No card from MIL, and no flowers sent to the funeral either. There were around 30 people at the funeral and not one of them sent flowers. Only newish friend (mentioned before) texted me on the day of the funeral to wish me luck. None of my oldest friends bothered to do that, or even asked how it went afterwards.

Me and DH now back at work, and.....that's it.

I think I'm most annoyed at MIL. I have been with DH for 18 years. No card. No funeral flowers. At 75 y/o, I know she knows better than this, she just can't be arsed as it's not about her!

Even though flowers and cards aren’t really the norm for all occasions anymore, I think they are still fairly normal for bereavements. At the funeral I would only expect flowers from people who knew the person. But flowers, a card or at least a text I would expect to get from close friends. All they need to say is “I’m sorry for your loss” or “I’m sorry to hear about XXX”, it only takes seconds.

In their 50s and 60s I don’t think these people can get away with saying they didn’t know what to say or that they don’t understand it’s a big deal. So unfortunately I would count these people as being not very good friends. I’m just wondering how they know your dad passed away, as surely they would give their condolences in the conversation when they’re told?

I’m really sorry for your loss @isthisjusthowitis. I lost both my parents in my 20s and I was very unimpressed with my boyfriend at the time and one of my friends in particular. I feel like the reactions and actions show you who is “your type of person” and who is not

My Dad died very unexpectedly in his 60s, none of my friends sent me a card or sent flowers and I didn’t expect them for the loss of a parent. My mum did receive them from people which seemed right as he was her husband. Most of my close friends did send texts or call but I wouldn’t have expected anything else.

Nobody who attended his funeral sent flowers and I didn’t know this was a thing - I’ve never sent flowers to a funeral I attended!

OP, I went to a friend's funeral very recently. We are all in our 60s. The only flowers were on top of the coffin (presumably organised by his widow). There were no other flowers, and that is completely normal, and has been for years. Instead, I donated £50 to the family's chosen charity, and I'm sure everyone else did something similar. It has been standard procedure for many years that people no longer send flowers to funerals, so please don't take it personally.

Everyone knew where flowers could be sent.

Anyway, aside from the flowers, I am more annoyed that MIL and friends of 30+ years did not attend funeral, did not wish me luck, and did not ask afterwards how it went.

What was the relationship between your MIL and your dad? My in-laws and my parents had no relationship and never sent card/flowers. I wouldn't expect anything if they had no closeness. Funerals are about saying goodbye to loved ones, that's all.

They had a reasonable relationship. Even when I saw MIL right after the death, she wittered on about herself for about 1 hour before mentioning his death.

I’m sorry to read of your loss. In my experience, habits have, and continue to, change/d. Certainly as I have gotten older attendance is less, the ‘tea’ is rare now, no-one really expects flowers. It’s sad, but just how things have changed.

I mean this with kindness, OP, but I think you might be looking for an outlet for your anger and hurt.

I did exactly the same - things that really weren't getting upset about, especially anything that came out of my tactless FIL's mouth, made me angry.

It wasn't really him, it was that he was living and my lovely parent wasn't. The universe was horribly unfair, and I needed somewhere to aim the hurt.

It's very early days. Everything is raw. Be gentle with yourself. If you can, maybe find a photo of your father laughing or clearly having the best time, put it on display so you are reminded of the joyous times as much as possible. That really helped me.

Take care.

I think it’s mostly family flowers at funerals nowadays OP. ‘Family flowers only’ is often specified and people err on the side of caution the rest of the time. I know I’d only send flowers if it were family.

I do think cards are appreciated and appropriate.

Ok then yes, a card would've been more thoughtful. Sorry MIL not that great. People are disappointments for sure but just be kind to yourself and concentrate on you. Sorry for the loss of your dad.

I'm sorry for your loss.

It's a shame but cards aren't sent as much now. I appreciated the ones we got and have made a mental note to continue to send, it's a time that I think they are truly appreciated. Ditto a letter.

My mum had loads when my dad died, but she wouldn't have received texts, so it's also a generational thing.

I think people are exhausted and empathy is running dry in many cases. I think the pandemic took a lot out of people and this is the result.

I think it’s also a tricky situation because how do you know what your friends what might prefer? It’s not a conversation I’ve had with my friends or family.

I’m usually a sucker for gestures, I love receiving flowers and cards etc so I can see why everyone thought I’d appreciate that. In terms of funeral arrangements, all of the funerals I’ve been to have been immediate family flowers only, so perhaps people (albeit wrongly) assumed that was the case.

I only received a card from my work colleagues, when my mum died, friends all sent texts and we only had family flowers (which were very expensive) . It's sometimes easier to be angry than sad. Your MIL does sound pretty thoughtless though.
So sorry for your loss, it's hard losing a parent x

Cards are very much still a thing for bereavement. A text doesn't cut it and also has no longevity. People like to read cards more than once and display and keep them. Flowers are expensive and I think pretty wasteful so I would leave that to family.

With close friends I have always sent a card. Not nice when it's not reciprocated. It just feels like no one cares anymore! The "friend" who hasn't sent anything, no phone call, no text, no card....I sent her a card, a letter and a lovely poem when her Dad died.

I wouldn't ever think about sending funeral flowers. The only time we've had them was for my grandparents 10+ years ago and that was family flowers only. I would never send flowers for another friend's parents.

Cards have been on their way out for years, I'd expect a text. Think it's poor form of your MIL and old friends not to have checked in.

@isthisjusthowitis I am sorry for your loss but I think times have changed and your expectations are unrealistic.

My dad died a couple of years ago. Mum got LOTS of cards but all from people her own age (80s) and some sent flowers to her. We had specifically requested no flowers at the crematorium or for the hearse and this is so common, nearly every funeral says family flowers only, and has a charity collection at the service instead. (We raised £500+ for Alzheimer's UK and that to us was much more valuable than flowers).

I didn't receive any cards at all, neither did my sister. Lots of texts though. That's just the way things are.

I dont send cards it doesn't mesn I don't care im just not s card person. But I'm always there if needed.

Family only flowers are standard now too I think.
Focus on who did message and reach out not on how they did it. Sorry for your loss x8

A lot of funerals now state no flowers, and to be honest OP, they are expensive and a waste of money as they just get left there to rot away. I don't ever buy flowers for funerals, even my mums funeral she only had a spray on top of the coffin no others.

Did you not do donations? Some people prefer to do that instead as a contribution.

I think your friends are a bit poor by not messaging though.

I think times have changed and a lot of families make a point of saying 'please, no flowers' or 'in lieu of flowers please donate to X charity which is dear to our hearts' because they many consider them a waste of money tbh. Ditto for messaging/texting/talking instead of cards for many.

I'm sorry for your loss ... but it does sound like you had a lot of support and people who came to show their respects.

When my father died I didn’t get cards from anyone, I don’t think my mum did either. To be honest it never crossed my mind, cards don’t mean much to me anyway. I don’t think I’ve ever sent one either. I think the most significant thing was the people that turned up to the funeral. Although When my husband asked my mother in law if she’d be coming she said no thank you dear ! I just thought fair play, she’d probably only actually met him a handful of times! Plus it was a long way to travel, and she was probably in her late 80’s.
I think it’s the people that show up for you that count.

I have never sent a card due to someone dying. I would 100% be in touch over messages to give my sympathy and have conversation though.

Some people are very awkward around death and would rather ignore the whole situation rather than get in touch. Sad but true.

I don't really understand why you set such store by cards. Grief is a very private thing and we all have to get on with paying the bills etc when it happens. I do, however, like the New Zealand tradition of marking the person's life a year later, away from the administrative hell of trying to sort out everything associated with the person's death.

Every supermarket sells stamps, plus the good old fashioned post office!

Sorry for your loss OP.
Like others have said, I'd send a text to most people, but a card to very close friends, especially if I actually knew their parent.