Feeling so let down after Father's death.

[isthisjusthowitis]

My Dad died in June. It was somewhat unexpected, albeit he was in his 80's. He lived at the other end of the Country. His funeral was arranged quite quickly, and I took 5 days off work (I'm self employed), and in that 5 days we travelled to his place, cleared out his small flat, held the funeral, and travelled back on day 5. Then I was back to work on day 6 - no way around this, given the nature of my business. It was a whirlwind few days, but I'm glad we got everything done quickly rather than dragging it out.

I've been rather shocked at people's lack of empathy. I had 4 sympathy cards - one from SIL, one from my Dad's oldest friend, one from a customer and one from a local (newish) friend. Not one of my oldest friends (of 30+ years) has sent a card. Most have texted, but a few haven't even sent a text. No card from MIL, and no flowers sent to the funeral either. There were around 30 people at the funeral and not one of them sent flowers. Only newish friend (mentioned before) texted me on the day of the funeral to wish me luck. None of my oldest friends bothered to do that, or even asked how it went afterwards.

Me and DH now back at work, and.....that's it.

I would send a card (but I'm 52 - young people don't send cards and a lot of people of all ages don't any more), and I would go to the funeral if I could, but I wouldn't send flowers unless it was immediate family.

I agree that mourning rituals have changed. A lot of people are skint too atm (although maybe you know that your friends/family aren't?). Flowers are a waste of money really aren't they? When my uncle died I didn't send flowers - I made a donation to Mountain Rescue instead.

Condolences to you OP

A text, on its own, is so limited. Yes, it expresses sympathy, but it allows for no interaction with the person bereaved, no chance for them to talk. No physical support either.

If you are close to someone, you make an effort. Getting, writing & posting a card, with some thoughtful words, takes effort and that’s why it’s appreciated.

Making time to call or visit, takes time, might feel hard but shows you care and that’s where the comfort comes from.

It’s not that everyone should do that. But those close to OP absolutely should.

Absolutely nobody that I'm disappointed with is skint. Quite the opposite. And MIL is a millionaire a few times over. It's not to do with money, it's just not being arsed.

MIL died a year ago. It was noticeable that the only cards we received were from elderly friends and relatives. Everyone else phoned, texted, messaged. E we requested no flowers - I thought that was standard these days.

how was the funeral OP? For me that was the real focus of the grieving process. It was nothing fancy but DHs two best childhood friends came along, he doesn’t see them often as we live abroad. Being able to introduce them to our sons, and for FIL to be with them all together, being supported by all these lovely caring men was very emotional. MIL would have thoroughly appreciated it, she’d known the boys since they were at primary school together.

Working in the funeral industry its very rare to get anyone but immediate family sending flowers. To be honest they mainly get ignored. I often have to put them out in the flower garden after the service and no one looks at them. I then take them to the ward where they get shoved in a corner

A lot of people are saying people text these days instead of cards. She has quite clearly stated her oldest friends have basically not text or anything. I cannot understand how people think the lady is over reacting. If my friends did this I would feel exactly the same.

I’m really sorry people, including colleagues, have not asked you how you are. This is so disappointing. In my workplace, it is unimaginable, everyone would attend the funeral, send condolences and check in afterwards. It’s just the norm.

It’s not that it eases the grief, but it helps to know people care.

I am sorry for your loss @isthisjusthowitis.

I feel awful now - a close friend’s DF died recently and apart from texting a couple of times I haven’t contacted her. This is because I assumed she would want space as there will be so much to do. I guess I worked on what I thought I will want in those circumstances and I know there is going to be so much to do ( only DC) that I probably will be busy doing all that so not much time to converse with friends.

I also have never sent flowers to a funeral. I thought a card from friends was what was standard and try and attend close friends DPs funerals where I can, which I thought was the ultimate mark of respect and friendship.

It sounds like people are reaching out in their own way OP, try not to dwell on how it’s done and instead accept the gesture. People who haven’t contacted you by text or card at all - well yes that is quite bad.

Sorry about your dad 💐

Tbh, it literally wouldn’t cross my mind to send a card or flowers. I would text a close friend, but people are weird about death. Maybe your friends think you will be so busy they don’t want to bother you, or they just don’t know what to say. It’s a bit useless, but it doesn’t mean they don’t care about you.

I would never think of sending funeral flowers. It would feel really intrusive and a big overstep.

I do think lack of cards and flowers/little gifts to you is shit. A friends DH recently died and I sent a card as soon as I heard and then a care package a few weeks after the funeral so she wasn’t bombarded pre-funeral. I can understand why this is hurtful.

I agree! Just because people are lazy selfish shits these days doesn't mean that people don't send cards.

I am sorry that you experiences this OP. Those closest to you were in the wrong - especially MIL and friends. I would have expected flowers too. Unfortunately, people are very self-centred these days. Try and move on if you can and don't become bitter about it (although I can certainly understand you viewing people differently).

You need to reframe how you’re looking at this.

4 sympathy cards.
Most friends have texted.
There were around 30 people at the funeral.
Newish friend texted me on the day of the funeral to wish me luck

I’d say you’re pretty rich in love and care with that many people reaching out to you to send their condolences. You don’t need a physical card or overpriced flowers to know that people are thinking of you.

I am sorry for your loss OP.

I am 70 so I have been to quite a few funerals lately, both family and friends. At all of the funerals it was family flowers only. It would have not have occurred to me to send flowers to a friend’s funeral.

I don’t send sympathy cards nowadays either. I did in the distant past, but now I expect and send texts. I wouldn’t phone because I am aware the person may be very upset or busy with preparations and I would not want to interrupt with a call.

I don't see your friends as lacking empathy. They will know you have your DH helping and supporting you.

If you have problems with MIL in general, that’s a whole different issue.

Losing my Mum opened my eyes to who my real friends are.

A "friend" messaged me the day after saying sorry, then has never mentioned it again. We even went out a couple of months after and she didn't even ask how I was.

I've had a close group of friends for many years, not one of them even acknowledged the first anniversary and they knew the date. No message, nothing. Can't even be arsed with them now, they haven't once asked how I'm doing in just over a year.

The there's been people who massively stepped up, messages, cards and random check ins. They're the people who get my time now.

Grief opens your eyes, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Tends to be immediate family only for flowers now with donations to a charitable cause. Most text as well instead of cards. Just a different way of doing things now. Sorry for your loss.

Sorry for your loss OP.

I’ve never thought to send anyone a funeral card. Texts are most people’s way of communicating nowadays.

I think funeral flowers are for family. I’ve made charity donations in the past, but I think flowers are a waste of money, so wouldn’t send those either.

I am sorry for your loss. Many people no longer send cards for anything because they use electronic communications instead, many people don't send flowers because they think it's a pity to kill a living plant just so that it can sit in a vase for a few days, but not getting in touch at all is just callous. I'm afraid your MIL is not a very nice person.

Your feelings are valid. It can feel upsetting when the expectations from friends don’t marry up to what we would expect or what we would do for our loved ones had they been in the same position. However, I think that people just don’t send cards as much anymore and that many physically written sentiments have been replaced by text messages and emails. I’m sorry that you are going through a difficult time, you are still grieving which will heighten your feelings about this too. Are there other things that have been happening with your friends or is this an isolated thing? Often it can be that things have been brewing for some time and then something like this happens and it feels deeply upsetting when it otherwise might not have. Sorry if you have explained this already. Sorry for the loss of your father. As as. Aside please consider taking more time off work if you can. 5 days is not a long time at all.

I’m 50. I’ve never sent funeral flowers - we’ve done family flowers at family funerals but normally to max of 3-4 wreaths. I would donate to the chosen charity though. Condolences are usually either a text or email. Or for close friends and family if obviously call. My mother in her late 70s does the same for flowers but is probably more likely to make a phone call.

As others have said I wouldn't think too much about flowers, but your oldest friends and mil not attending the funeral or at least giving you a call would be very hurtful.
I'm so sorry for your loss op. It is a very strange and difficult time when you lose a parent, try your best to take it easy

But surely it’s up to the bereaved to decide whether they want support and whether they want to talk.

I would find ringing someone or turning up at their door really intrusive.
OP would have had loads of things to deal with and if every person was trying to ring her or turning up then I’d find that really disrespectful.
Sometimes you don’t want to talk to people when you’re grieving.

Not many people bother with cards anymore.
They’re bad for the environment and most end up getting thrown away anyway.

Having a card through the door vs a text would mean exactly the same to most people nowadays.
It’s not the effort, it’s that the person has given their support and shown that they’re thinking about you.

Obviously there are generational differences but people need to recognise that just because someone does something different, doesn’t mean they care any less.

I completely agree.

The sentiment is still the same but instead of hand writing a message, it is now sent digitally.

It doesn’t mean they care any less.

I’ve just been to a funeral attended by over 200 hundred people, flowers were one family wreath and one regimental wreath. I would never send flowers unless the announcement specifically said flowers welcome. I did send a card but don’t always, I do message but don’t call as I would find phone calls intrusive at a time of grief. This is totally normal in my circle of friends and I’m in my sixties too.

I did get some cards when my parents died over 20 years ago but I didn’t notice who didn’t send cards and the ones I got were eventually thrown away. No flowers at either Mum or Dad’s funerals.

If I were to think about flowers it would be to the bereaved and only if I was unable to make it to the funeral otherwise they just wither and are wasted.
I appreciate that other people may think differently but I find the majority follow the message don’t call or send a card, attend the funeral if possible (can’t always get time off work) and only flowers to the bereaved if you can’t attend.

OP do you think by any chance that what you are really angry about is that your not especially nice MIL is still alive and your beloved DF is not?

I am sorry you are so sad. At least on MN you are getting some support. People that you don't know are feeling sad for you. Hope all our messages help.