Feeling so let down after Father's death.

[isthisjusthowitis]

My Dad died in June. It was somewhat unexpected, albeit he was in his 80's. He lived at the other end of the Country. His funeral was arranged quite quickly, and I took 5 days off work (I'm self employed), and in that 5 days we travelled to his place, cleared out his small flat, held the funeral, and travelled back on day 5. Then I was back to work on day 6 - no way around this, given the nature of my business. It was a whirlwind few days, but I'm glad we got everything done quickly rather than dragging it out.

I've been rather shocked at people's lack of empathy. I had 4 sympathy cards - one from SIL, one from my Dad's oldest friend, one from a customer and one from a local (newish) friend. Not one of my oldest friends (of 30+ years) has sent a card. Most have texted, but a few haven't even sent a text. No card from MIL, and no flowers sent to the funeral either. There were around 30 people at the funeral and not one of them sent flowers. Only newish friend (mentioned before) texted me on the day of the funeral to wish me luck. None of my oldest friends bothered to do that, or even asked how it went afterwards.

Me and DH now back at work, and.....that's it.

When a family friend died I sent cards to the oldest child. I don’t think I sent cards to people I see regularly- I would express my sympathy in person. For example I attended the funeral of a dear friends mother (if never met her), it was half a day of temple, to the cremation, then back to the temple… my presence was what was needed, I didn’t think I needed to send a card too.
My bestie’s dad died a year ago and I didn’t send her a card. And I don’t recall many sending me cards when my parents died. Now when my DH died, I got loads.

Sorry for your loss, it is a tough time with lots to do when you shouls ideally be focussing on grieving.
I can remember when my dad died about 3 years ago getting a card from someone I hadn't seen in years who didn't have my number. Everyone else sent messages by text and it didn't cross my mind that they should send a card.
With regards the flowers most funerals nowadays are family flowers only and people will donate to a charity. It honestly wouldn't cross my mind to think of sending flowers to a funeral.
If your friends have been in contact, regardless of the method then I think they have tried to support. It is also hard to gauge what each individual needs.

I’m sorry for your loss. I’m still a card person but we are definitely in the minority these days. I wouldn’t mind if people text instead though.

Funeral flowers, other than immediate family, are extremely rare these days. All funeral notices I have seen have been family flowers only and a charity donation if you wish so I wouldn’t be upset at no flowers.

If MIL is well enough to travel I’d probably expect her to go to the funeral.

I'm quite traditional/old-fashioned about bereavements. I still send cards to friends and family members and I go to funerals to support the bereaved (even if I didn't know the deceased well). But I wouldn't send flowers to a funeral unless I was one of the chief mourners.

I don't think people send cards and flowers anymore. My dad died last year too and its horrible how quickly the world moves on when we are still in the thick of grief. It's really painful.

I do think it's bad none of your closest friends text, I'd focus on your friendship with your new friend who is maybe more caring.

I didn’t want sympathy cards and didn’t even open them when some did arrive. We’re all different.
People send a lot less cards in general these days.

My younger db died 2 years ago and dm and df did get quite a few flowers for them personally. No-one bought flowers for the funeral as it was a cremation so it was only my parents' large one on the coffin and a wreath from me. They got loads of cards but I only got one and no flowers. I know it must be awful to lose a dc but I got very little sympathy despite losing my only sibling (we were 12 months apart). I had to go back to work immediately as I work a zero hours contract. I helped my parents clear db's house for sale. There is no way we could have done it in 5 days.

I’m 42. My mum was very much a sympathy cards and flowers person for funerals - so I’ve taken on that mantle as I feel it’s what she would want - but she was an older mother and she worked in geriatric care her whole life so I saw a lot of funerals. I suspect that a lot of people in my generation (elder millennial) haven’t kept the same death rituals their parents might have done, and I certainly wouldn’t expect people younger than me to.

It seems people have supported you in the way they feel is appropriate. Just because your values don’t align, doesn’t mean they didn’t care. I’m sorry for your loss.

I think people are just generally a bit rubbish. I lost my best friend when my Dad died. I'd supported her through a bereavement a few months before, but when I needed her she ignored my messages. When I told her how hurt I was she said, "I was leaving you to grieve with your family." Friendship never recovered from that.

So sorry about your Father. I tend to agree with the poster who said something along the lines of when you're grieving and vulnerable, it's easy to pick fault with others as a way to direct your anger and sadness outwards. But I think you're only hurting yourself. You can't control the actions of others or how they should behave towards a grieving friend or relative. As another poster suggested, can you think about organising a memorial event, or maybe revisit some of your Father's favourite places so that the focus is back on him and not someone who didn't send a card or flowers. I hope you do.

Thank you. It's management who have basically ignored it. My close colleagues, thankfully, have been lovely. I just find it very strange. I know everyone's different and people do find it hard to know what to say, but even a reply to my email saying my dad was unwell and then when he died, would have been appreciated!

Im usually more of a texter than card sender but if its a death I do try and send a card. But I only do so if I already know the person's address because I would absolutely not want to bother a grieving person asking them what it is. Could that maybe play into it? I dont have loads of addresses these days because its not as much the norm to have address books etc. Very sorry for your loss OP

Agree. Flowers are no longer the done thing at most funerals. And cards are a thing of the past for most as well. Personally I wouldn’t spend money on flowers unless someone close to me or an extremely tragic circumstance as it’s an extra expense to my already strict budget.

But people have become much more insular and less involved in other peoples family or personal lives in very recent years. That must feel very tough in times of hardship. I’m sorry for your loss.

I was given 2 cards when my dad died, I thought it was weird to get any!

I'm sorry but someone dying in their 80s isn't unexpected. My cousin was in his early thirties when he died and no one else cared either.

Time is also a funny thing. For you no time has passed at all and it will all feel very raw. For others is has been and gone.

At the chapel, they lead you out to where the flowers are, and there were only 4 wreaths, all from immediate family. No one else who was at the funeral had arranged any. That isn't the norm.

Where are you from?
The majority of funerals these days are "family flowers only" or "no flowers" with donations in lieu to a charity you have chosen.
Obviously you didn't put that on the funeral notice as you were expecting flowers, but 4 wreaths from immediate family is what I'd expect at a funeral these days. Times have changed and the vast majority of people don't send funeral flowers any more. The same applies to the cards. Sympathy cards are very rare. I got 3 or 4 when my Dad died. People message by text instead and you did receive several texts. People don't like to ring after a death because they don't know whether you will be up to a receiving a call or if there's too much stress with things to organize. It's like most things these days, a lot of people text instead of phoning.
Also people don't know how to respond to grief. I know it's disappointing and upsetting but for most people who aren't immediate family, their lives go back to normal after the funeral and they quickly forget, sad as that is.

I do wonder, though, as another poster has suggested, if your anger is coming from the fact your unpleasant MIL is still alive and your father isn't. She has not suddenly become more unpleasant since his death, she was always like that and now the stark contrast to your dad has made you angry.

I am sorry for your loss OP. It's incredibly hard.

I honestly rhink people are strapped for cash and havent got money for flowers and postage. A lot of people are choosing to cut out those extra expenses, hurtful as it is. I noticed it at Christmas.

I do think the etiquette around funerals have changed
My mum died abour 18 months ago.
A group of friends sent me some fllowrs but most people sent messages

Regarding funeral fliowers these days it tends to be just immediate family flowers and others are asked for a donation to a charity in lieu of sending flowers
I do remember 25+ years ago people would send a wreath.

Don't be so insensitive! Of course it can be. My parents in their 80s are still very active in the community, play tennis at least twice a week, just got back from a cruise and are planning another soon and currently looking after my daughter. I'd be utterly shocked if either of them died suddenly.

I have never heard of this being a thing and it wouldn’t occur to me to send flowers to a funeral home. I always assumed those wreaths were just done by immediate family. How would your friends and extended family even know what funeral home he was in? Granted I’m younger than you and haven’t been to a great deal of funerals but this is not something anyone has ever mentioned to me and one of my friends is a funeral director!

Nope, we are in that age demographic and cards and flowers are not a thing for us or anyone we know and between ourselves, and friends all of our parents are gone and quite a few friends at this point.

We use text and email, not cards as we live in the 21st century. I’ve not seen flowers as you describe for a few decades now. It’s common for there to be just one wreath organised by the family and some people choose a charity for people to donate to IF they wish to (not obligatory, and you don’t know who does and does not), but not everyone does that either, it even that seems to be falling out of favour. Attendance really depends if you know the other person in a meaningful way, there’s no way we would attend our kids in-laws funerals if we were not actually friends. If they were someone we only saw every second Xmas and on rare occasions otherwise we wouldn’t.

I’m so sorry for your loss, losing a parent is one of the most awful things to go through. I lost my dad 2 years ago and it was amazing the different responses and that slightly changed the way I look at one of my friends. Some very close friends I texted right away and they texted back and a few also sent cards. One of my closest friends, who I’ve supported through bereavement, divorce, children issues sent a text and then I didn’t see her for over a month (we live 10 minutes away). The first time I saw her she didn’t even give me a hug and then she talked about her grandad who had died 10 years before and burst into tears and the friend I was with and I had to console her!! I literally walked away with a different feeling about her. We’re still friends but I can’t ever quite get past that need for it to be about her that day. I honestly don’t think many people send cards any more and do it by text or by face. For your close people to not do anything but especially on the day of the funeral is cold. It takes 1 minutes to send ‘I’m thinking of you today, I know it must be so hard, lots of love’ type message, some people are useless. I’m so sorry that happened but for your own sake I think you have to try and accept it and move on and accept they are a bit useless??

I am really sorry for your loss @isthisjusthowitis, and I sorry you feel upset not to receive many sympathy cards and flowers. Think sending flowers to a funeral is very much in decline, most people arranging funerals actually state no flowers, and ask for donations to a charity. My mother-in-law passed away in September 2024, and we bought a medium sized coffin flower arrangement, and the florist wrote out three cards, one from my husband, one from myself and one from family & friends.

We did get sent cards, and did receive some flowers in the lead up to my mother-in-laws funeral. The modern way of doing things does seem be sending text messages, posts on social media etc. and sending cards in general is in decline.

Sending you my sincere condolences 💐💐💐

I don't mean to be insensitive but to me 80s is a good age. Most likely the OPs friends are thinking the same thing. People have different views when it comes to death. Not everyone will be sympathetic to an elderly persons death.