AIBU to think this is a bit much to ask for school run?

[Kim926]

Our next-door neighbours have a daughter in the same Reception class as my son.

We already help each other with school pick-ups occasionally, and I've been happy with that arrangement.

The mum is now increasing her working days to three days a week after maternity leave and has asked if, on those three mornings, they can leave their daughter with us before work so that I can take her to school with my son.

For a bit more context, the mum isn't unable to drive, but she doesn't drive. Her husband drives her to work, which is about 15 minutes away, and this is why they need someone else to take their daughter to school on those mornings.

They literally live next door and I'm obviously going to the same school anyway, so I know it might not sound like a huge extra task. I also have a two-year-old at home, though, and mornings with my own two children are already busy.

I think what has made me uncomfortable is that this isn't really an occasional favour or helping out in an emergency. It would be a regular three-day-a-week arrangement because of their change in working pattern. It feels a little like their childcare/school run responsibility is being transferred to us simply because we happen to live next door and our children attend the same school.

I also feel awkward saying no because we are literally next-door neighbours and I will inevitably see them at school drop-off on the days I've said I can't do it.

AIBU to think three mornings every week is quite a lot to ask of a neighbour? Or is this considered a fairly normal favour between families when the children go to the same school?

Its not your responsibility. I would say no. Its not your problem to solve. I wouldnt mind doing pick up or drop off as an emergency but they want a regular commitment. What happens when your child is sick ? Or (cluch pearls) you decide to take a term time holiday or have something else on. You are already dong them a huge favour doing 3 pick ups a week. I think they are CFs.

Maybe I'm mean but I wouldnt want to deal with someone else's kid that many times a week. My plate is already full enough.

‘Before work’ so in theory the child could be with you for an hour or more. What time does her job start?

if shes coming off maternity leave, who’s looking after the baby? Does her dh have to drop baby of at nursery as well as wife at work?

Decline and say that your house is very hectic in the morning with your child and two year old, and you haven’t got the capacity to look after a third child.

Under no circumstances would I do this unless there's an ongoing reciprocal and regular agreement where YOU get the favour back, OR she pays you. So if she paid you £20 a week maybe I would say yes (still cheaper and easier than a breakfast club for her), an extra £80-100 a month is a nice little extra. If she did pickups or drop offs on the other 2 days every week I would say yes. . But as an ongoing commitment where it's just you doing a favour for her, I would say absolutely not. My friend lives over the road to me with a daughter and son the same age as my 2, we share pick ups and drop offs to school events, take it in turns going to the park with them all, dancing lesson pick ups and drop offs etc and when one has an ill child for example. But it works because we probably do favours for each other 50/50 so neither one of us takes advantage and we feel confident asking for a favour because we can return the favour.

I think now would be the perfect time to stop completely. They are not doing anything for you at all OP. Just tell them you think it's best to end the arrangement and each of you sort yourself out except for emergencies and see how that goes.

Still don’t get why dad can’t pick up 2 more kids. They have 3 anyway so this will take it to 4 and most family cars will seat five people

Why don’t they use breakfast clubs or use a childminder who does the drop off. You doing pickups is kind enough. The mum can either get to work earlier or use public transport… or find a new job that works better for her situation. I do understand it’s hard with multiple children but they should have thought about this before she went back to work.

i think they may taking advantage of your kind nature, they should really be paying you something if they want you to all of this.

I'm usually very community minded but this has to be a no. You need to know your mornings are your own time. It sounds like she is taking the piss as I'd she made her own way to work the dad could do drop off.

You can only get 3 carseats in the back. I'm guessing they are too old for rear facing front seats.

I wouldn't do this because when you commit to caring for someone else's children on a regular basis, paid or unpaid, it becomes really difficult to NOT do it, even if you have an emergency of your own. So if THEY have an emergency, they are fine because you are already handling their kids. But if YOU have an emergency, you are up a creek because you can't pivot to deal with your own problem because you are already committed to doing work for them.

And by emergency I don't just mean "kid broke a leg and needs to go to hospital." I mean anything that would normally necessitate you changing your own schedule. Could be your kid is sick and not going to school, could be you are sick, could be that you want to go out of town to visit your sick mum. Could be that your heater broke and you need to stay home to watch out for the repairman. Whatever it is. If you call them and say, "I can't watch Kaitlyn today because I have the flu" they're going to say, "But what are we going to do? We're relying on you." People tend to get very entitled about this sort of thing - they don't think of it as a huge favor you are doing them, they think of it as your social obligation. And as soon as you accept the commitment, you've accepted the obligation and now they see it as your (unpaid) job.

Basically, they get all the benefit and you get all the costs. It's not neutral - you're not just doing the same work as before (although they might see it like that because it's not in their interests to see the whole picture). You're doing MORE work and accepting MORE restrictions on your activities for THEIR benefit. You don't benefit in any way.

Essentially, I'm not willing to burden my husband or children (or myself!) that way so that a random person in the world can have an easier life. It's not fair to my husband or to my children. Or myself.

Why can't Dad do the pick ups with the 2 little children in tow? I don't see any reason for Dad not to do pick ups.

Definitely a ‘that doesn’t work for me’ response needed.

This.

But I grew up where it was normal for a one parent in our cul de sac to drop all of us off and pick up. People just worked out what worked for each family and sorted.

It had a lovely community feel to it.

Absolutely not!
It has to be flexible, as soon as you're restricted to certain days and times your life is not your own.

So let me understand this…you’re already doing 50% of their school runs (pickups) and they now want you to do 80%? And their reasoning is you have one less child than they do so it’s so much easier for you. And they do nothing in return?

You've been picking up their child 5x a week, despite her Dad already picking up her siblings?
Without payment?
And now you are expected to do 8x?
Without any reciprocity?

And you get the occasional emergency help?

Far too much in their favour, even if they are next door. They saw you coming.

Don’t be a mug OP, you sound like you’d be an unpaid childminder!

@Kim926 wait.
You already do all pick ups?
That's shocking, you are being used.

“No I can’t. That doesn’t work for me”.
“No. I don’t want to make a commitment like that”
”No -but thanks for thinking of me”.
“No - I may be changing my work situation so cannot commit”.
“No. I don’t want to do that”.
”No”.

So hang on … not only are you losing the dad’s help with your morning drop-off , you now have to take THEIR kid too AND you’re still doing the pickups??

Hell no!

I would say “to be honest, mornings are already going to be stressful enough trying to get out of the door on time with the toddler too. I couldn’t manage having a third child too.. It is a shame because it worked so nicely when we could reciprocate taking or picking up the kids.”

No chance! Far too much hassle and responsibility.

Absolutely not. Tell her this arrangement doesn't suit you, and you also can't commit to a regular arrangement.

Do I understand correctly you already do all pick-ups for them? Wtaf
They are taking you for a mug.
They wanted three children, they need to look after them. There are plenty of solutions, she needs to work it out. Stop the pick-ups, tell her it is their turn now

It doesn’t matter whether or not it is too much to ask. What matters is how you feel about it - do you want to make this commitment?

No it will make your mornings much harder and there's no benefit to you. Time with your kids is precious and gone too soon - don't spend it doing childcare for a cheeky neighbour

How long will the child be in your house before you have to leave for school?