AIBU to think this is a bit much to ask for school run?

[Kim926]

Our next-door neighbours have a daughter in the same Reception class as my son.

We already help each other with school pick-ups occasionally, and I've been happy with that arrangement.

The mum is now increasing her working days to three days a week after maternity leave and has asked if, on those three mornings, they can leave their daughter with us before work so that I can take her to school with my son.

For a bit more context, the mum isn't unable to drive, but she doesn't drive. Her husband drives her to work, which is about 15 minutes away, and this is why they need someone else to take their daughter to school on those mornings.

They literally live next door and I'm obviously going to the same school anyway, so I know it might not sound like a huge extra task. I also have a two-year-old at home, though, and mornings with my own two children are already busy.

I think what has made me uncomfortable is that this isn't really an occasional favour or helping out in an emergency. It would be a regular three-day-a-week arrangement because of their change in working pattern. It feels a little like their childcare/school run responsibility is being transferred to us simply because we happen to live next door and our children attend the same school.

I also feel awkward saying no because we are literally next-door neighbours and I will inevitably see them at school drop-off on the days I've said I can't do it.

AIBU to think three mornings every week is quite a lot to ask of a neighbour? Or is this considered a fairly normal favour between families when the children go to the same school?

So are they loading the two younger kids into the car, driving the mum to work and then coming home? Absolute madness.

I would ONLY agree to it if I could pick the child up as we left the house to walk to school.

Or worse, what happens if their child is unwell, at OP’s house? She’s then left to deal with someone else’s sick child and would be unable to take her own to school. Far too much responsibility for no pay - this is what childminders are paid for! Neighbour is a huge CF.

She needs to use public transport to get to work.

Hadn’t thought of it that way round 😬

I don’t get why the wife won’t just drive to work. I get that she doesn’t want to but 🤷‍♀️

I wouldn't commit to this. It seems like you occasionally did each other a favour and now they want you to be their morning childcare and ride more than half the week. That's a huge ask.

Why can't they can drop their kid while taking the mom to work?

What's with the she drives but doesn't drive stuff.

Usually I'd be up for this sort of thing to help out another family, but it sounds like your neighbour could drive herself to work and her husband, who stays at home anyway if I read your update correctly, could then take their daughter to school.
It isn't a flT "No" but I think I would be seeking some sort of reciprocal support from them because otherwise that is too lopsided to be maintained without resentment long-term.

They’re already taking the piss and you need to stamp on it now before it gets worse. After the summer break tell them that you can’t commit to any pick ups or drop offs, that’s the end of it, no sorry’s and no excuses needed. They need to employ a childminder if they can’t manage to do it and shouldn’t be relying on other parents. Cheeky buggars.

I hit my limit when a family tried to make their 4th (desperately wanted) child my problem. Just leaving her at my house having come over with the lot, asking if the older ones could come over to play with mine (same age) and leaving the youngest (10years younger!) for them to deal with, asking my eldest to shower their youngest while the parents dealt with the other three… It got ridiculous. I ended up telling the poor child she needed to go home now, or to go home with her siblings, or asking the older ones to take her home etc etc.

I can’t understand people having more and more children when they’re not capable of looking after them without consenting help. You have to say no. It’ll creep and creep and creep because these sorts of parents think other people are obliged to help them because they will understand how hard it is having so many kids.

She wanted to drop her off an hour before we left, at 7.30, so I said no. She then left her daughter with another neighbour, who drops her off at ours just before we leave. On other days, she used to drop her off about 30 minutes before we left.

instead of posting, send her a clear message that’s it not going to work for you.

And then she’ll have time to arrange someone else

No. This is an overstep. What if her child is a nightmare and doesn’t want to leave the house? Or your child is ill? School run is a nice time to chat to your kids, set them up for school, discuss any worries they might have.

Just say you have your own issues as to why this isn’t possible. If she pushes it say ‘it’s personal’. No one pushes further than that.

Where are the other two children whilst he is driving her to work?

I'm stuck on where their other two children are when the dad's running the mother to work. They must be in the car with them, so why doesn't he take the third child as well? Drop off at school on the way back from dropping the mother (drop her a bit early at work if he has to)?

My old neighbour actually did this for me, BUT she offered and I NEVER would have asked, as it is definitely an imposition to have an extra child in the house during the morning rush. I was hugely grateful to her and it helped me out, but before she offered I had my child booked into paid childcare for a year (her daughter was a year younger than mine), I think it’s cheeky to ask.

What on Earth is going on here? How many times per week are you collecting their child from school, already? While they can’t reciprocate at all, because “reasons” - including the fact he apparently can’t possibly take his two younger kids with him to collect the eldest from school - like literally millions of parents must do, each school day? But it’s easy for you to do, because you only have one younger child and are going anyway?

And now, they’re asking you to do the morning school run with their eldest, three days per week? Because of, again, their “reasons” - which sound more like self-imposed limitations than actual reasons - which in any event are none of your concern and not your problem.

And you are actually considering this? Why?! Do you have aspirations to become an unpaid childminder? What possible reason could make you even consider this? Why do these neighbours seem to think they have a right to your time/attention/energy? It’s all a bit mad.

Tell you what, I’ve got an idea. Doggie daycare is really expensive, and I’m in the office a couple of days per week. Why don’t I drop the hound round at yours in the morning - I mean, you’ll be there ANYWAY. And you can take her for walks, on the school run - because you’ll be going ANYWAY. And it’ll make my life easier, more convenient and less expensive. Oh, I won’t offer you any form of payment or favours back, because, you know - “reasons” - but you won’t mind. Because it won’t be an effort, inconvenience or any work for you AT ALL. And I’m not taking the absolute piss or being a CF AT ALL, just because I don’t value your time and want you to do free childcare to facilitate my life………

Say no, you can’t do it for personal reasons.

Why does having the other two children stop him doing the pick-ups? I have three children, when oldest was at school I managed both to take him to school and collect him with the other two in tow, and I'm quite sure the same could be said of other parents of three (or more) children all over the country.

He can't do the pick ups as he has 2 other young children? What a load of nonsense! Of course he can. I had 3 young kids with 2 at home and one at school, and I often used to pick up an extra friend or cousin too. What's his excuse?

Be careful, she's trying to impose herself on you.

It might not be so terrible if she was asking you to do it say once a week and you were collecting the child from her house. But what she's proposing is taking the Mick and I'd have to say to her sorry, but this isn't going to work for me.

Honestly, it will just cause problems in the long run. What if you or your child are ill for example and need to stay at home? Or one of you has an appointment in the morning?

She needs a proper arrangement to get her child to school, not rely on another mum indefinitely.

I wouldn’t say yes. I’d just say my child likes to chat to me 1-2-1. Which he does. Morning walk with him is my fave time of day so I wouldn’t say yes!

Her dad takes my son to school with his daughter and I pick them both up, so up until now it has been a mutually beneficial

Doesn’t matter. Put it to them - up to them to work out that it’s not going to work.

This, I would set up an arrangement so that you can get some help in return. Then it wouldn't feel like just one sided. And it would be a shared arrangement.
Don't say an outright no, just say if you can have shared arrangement.

Saying no, would become awkward.
Also just you helping out would become a burden.

School runs are precious 121 time with my children where we enjoy chatting about our day, no way would I commit to doing this 3 days pw for all the reasons given already. Say no, their childcare and work arrangements are for them to sort.

An hour before school is insane, and why can’t the dad do drop offs or pick ups with two other children? Plenty of parents of three manage to drop and collect their kids at my son’s school. What happens when the next oldest is due to start school and dad is still driving mum to work, are you then taking them to school as well since you’re already going that way? I would do an occasional favour but absolutely not a regular arrangement. They chose to have three kids, they need to cope with their three kids and she needs to drive herself to work?! Or walk - if it’s a 15 minute drive it can’t be that far away, or make use of breakfast club and drop the kid off on the way there or back.