AIBU to think this is a bit much to ask for school run?

[Kim926]

Our next-door neighbours have a daughter in the same Reception class as my son.

We already help each other with school pick-ups occasionally, and I've been happy with that arrangement.

The mum is now increasing her working days to three days a week after maternity leave and has asked if, on those three mornings, they can leave their daughter with us before work so that I can take her to school with my son.

For a bit more context, the mum isn't unable to drive, but she doesn't drive. Her husband drives her to work, which is about 15 minutes away, and this is why they need someone else to take their daughter to school on those mornings.

They literally live next door and I'm obviously going to the same school anyway, so I know it might not sound like a huge extra task. I also have a two-year-old at home, though, and mornings with my own two children are already busy.

I think what has made me uncomfortable is that this isn't really an occasional favour or helping out in an emergency. It would be a regular three-day-a-week arrangement because of their change in working pattern. It feels a little like their childcare/school run responsibility is being transferred to us simply because we happen to live next door and our children attend the same school.

I also feel awkward saying no because we are literally next-door neighbours and I will inevitably see them at school drop-off on the days I've said I can't do it.

AIBU to think three mornings every week is quite a lot to ask of a neighbour? Or is this considered a fairly normal favour between families when the children go to the same school?

@Monty36 do you have kids?

The husband

“She wanted to drop her off an hour before we left, at 7.30, so I said no”

Good grief: CF of the highest order! Everyone knows getting out of the door in the morning is always a bit fraught, and to have another kid just hanging around like that for an HOUR - it defies belief! My sister had a problem like this: gave a few lifts, other mother wanted it to be a regular thing and in the end, she had to say she was sorry, it just didn’t work for them because sometimes her DC wanted/needed to be in earlier; if they were running late, other kid was just hanging around, and she said she couldn’t then have any sort of conversation with her own DC in the car - so cut this off now, before it becomes a “thing”.

What do you mean they were unavailable?

You said they asked your husband-what did he say to them when they asked?

What message has he sent?

He didn't give them an answer at the time. He just said he'd get back to them.

No I wouldn’t do it.

When you have kids it’s your responsibility to figure out how to get them to school.

If she can’t drive then she can get the bus or get another job like the rest of the world.

The issue I would have is that the favours are increasing and there’s nothing stopping them from coming round 5 mins earlier each day, then 5 mins earlier than that until you’re giving them free childcare for hours every week.

And what if she goes back 5 days a week, it’ll be just ‘2 extra days’.

No I definitely wouldn’t do it and my excuse would be that you don’t want to commit because you’re looking for a new job that may require an earlier start etc

So did your DH send a message? If so, what did he say? You are not being very clear about what happened next

Oh I see.

Is he going to say no to them?

I wouldn’t do it. Just tell them it’s to much for you.

You need to be sure your DH covers all scenarios because he may say no but the CF neighbours will say 'Oh lets just keep it like it is then' and you are still doing some pick ups and all the drop offs etc.

Make sure why DH says, that you dont want the added responsibility of another child. You have helped them out way more than need be. You have been a good neighbour but they are the kind of people that see generous people as an opportunity to ask for more.

If they’re saying from 6am then maybe not but for 15-30 mins I would say ok

All of this
Mornings are often stressful...so no.. and she should have sorted a proper arrangement before saying would change work hours.

The last 15 - 30 minutes are usually the most stressful and the point at which another child is most inconvenient.

Classic Op…. Just teasing out the story as much as possible

Over messages or In person?

So why doesn’t the dad walk the daughter to and from school instead then?

Just tell them “sorry I don’t want the responsibility, I’ve got enough to think about in the mornings with my lot. I honestly don’t mind the odd favour or helping out in an emergency but a regular 3 days a week thing feels like too much.”

I’d have to say, I don’t want the commitment , It’s like being employed having to turn up everyday and not having flexibility of doing something else. As much as yes we go the same place and at the same time. I don’t need the stress of taking your child so sorry . Besides it’s a cheek! You aren’t even related.

I never found that at all. I used to take my neighbours twins when she worked and vice versa

I would go for a win win scenario - maybe ask them for something in return. If they're not keen, I'd say no deal then. All long term relationships have to be on a win win footing otherwise resentment builds.

It might work okay for you to have some support with say pick ups? If you'd prefer to bat all your own balls then just a "I don't want to get into any arrangements that complicate my life, I prefer to be independent but hope you get it sorted in another way".

My daughter was friends with another little girl and the mother asked if I would pick her daughter up and drop her off with a childminder. I said no - it didn't go down well but with three kids of my own all needing picking up at different times, I just couldn't factor in another kid and in any case, the little girl could easily have stayed in the after school provision, she just preferred the child minder option. My thinking was what happens if my daughter is off school and yet I still have to do the school run to pick the other child up and drop her off with the child minder.

I'm more than happy to help people out in a tight spot but regular commitments needs to be thought through and unless it is very reciprocal, it pretty soon becomes something you wish you'd said no to. Take the hit and say no early would be my advice.

My daughter was friends with another little girl and the mother asked if I would pick her daughter up and drop her off with a childminder. I said no - it didn't go down well but with three kids of my own all needing picking up at different times, I just couldn't factor in another kid and in any case, the little girl could easily have stayed in the after school provision, she just preferred the child minder option. My thinking was what happens if my daughter is off school and yet I still have to do the school run to pick the other child up and drop her off with the child minder.

@Hiyaeveryone i can’t believe someone would ask you to pick up their child when they know you already have 3 of your own, with different pick up times! What did she say when you declined to do it?

Yes, it feels like that. 400 people have bothered to read the thread and reply, yet the OP is giving occasional and half-hearted replies to a tiny number of people which don’t actually answer any questions!

What message did he send back? I’ve a feeling they’ll apply pressure on you to do it. If that happens then stop all the favours asap.

Regardless of what anyone else would/wouldn't do the point is this feels like too much for you, so how can that be unreasonable?

You have your morning routine (or chaos 🤣) and this would be too disruptive right now. It's not that you 'can't' do it, it's that you don't want to. That's fine! No school run awkwardness required. You're allowed to prioritise your own household and sanity. Perhaps in a few years time you'll feel differently. My youngest is in reception now and I think having an extra for breakfast would be lovely, but I know I'd have struggled to imagine how it would all fit together 3 years ago!

If I was knocking on their door en route to school and picking up an extra for the journey that would have been fine, but them dropping off when they're ready and us having to absorb that into whatever is happening in our household at the time....no.

100%. Two little ones in a double buggy and older one walks with him. Good for everyone.