AIBU to see his reaction to being called boy as a red flag?

[Poppies2222x]

I’ve been seeing someone for a few months and something happened this morning that has made me question whether he’s got an ego problem that could be a cause for concern.

Me and three friends (all in our late 20s) booked a woodland lodge for three nights Thursday to Sunday for a weekend away and my boyfriend has come with us.

This morning after breakfast we were relaxing around the hot tub and my friend told BF “come on, get the drinks poured, boy” not in a rude tone but in a funny ‘let’s get this party started’ kind of way. She’s very bubbly and didn’t mean anything by it. He poured the drinks with a moody look on his face and a few minutes later however he said he really took offence and said he wasn’t a boy, he was a man, and that he found it disrespectful. The mood changed quite quickly and afterwards he was still annoyed about it.

I asked him why it bothered him so much and he said that being called a boy was belittling. I found this extremely cringy and fragile on his part and I’m wondering why he would view this as belittling? To me it seems he views boys as below him and I don’t want a partner with a fragile ego who thinks men are superior to everyone else including boys.

I was just discussing this with my friends whilst he was on a walk and they all found it off putting and embarrassing on his part.

AIBU for seeing this as a bit of a red flag, or is it reasonable for him to want to be referred to as a man rather than a boy?

Was the person he knew the one who was rude to him?

Your BF can rightly own his feelings, that doesn't mean he is the right fit for you and your friends.
Someone called me young lady recently, I laughed as I am neither, but I don't look for an opportunity to be offended and would be mortified if I had a BF who made something said in jest into an awkward thing.

But did she-or the other participants-want him there? YABU if you unilaterally invited your boyfriend to a girls' weekend away.

But did anyone else bring a male hanger on?? If not I’d have been pretty peed off if one of my female friends brought along her new boyfriend to our women only weekend. Bit odd.

People are so easily offended these days. It sounded like a joke. I have no ishe being called a ‘girl’. I used it quite often- girls night, girls trip etc. woman’s trip/ female trip just sounds weird. I also use ‘boy’ in relation to my dh (who is 50) and he uses it too. Everybody I know does. I can see myself at a party saying- right boys get the drinks in for the girls. Banter

Absolutely.
It really isn’t difficult to grasp.
I can’t imagine my DH being called ‘boy’ whilst being asked to pour a drink by my friends.

It wouldn’t sit well at all.

OP I think your BF needs someone more on his wavelength.

This.

Massive difference between using an expression like "boys' night out" and addressing someone as "boy" when you give them an order.

My focus is purely on why he is there, it's very odd he went along too, i'd see this as the red flag tbh.

of course it was....it was "just bants" "can't he take a joke" and all the other well worn phrases. I reckon he's dodged a bullet myself

and this

FFS, bringing a man/boy along on a girls’ trip sounds like a recipe for disappointment all around.

What on earth is 'boi' and surely it sounds exactly the same.

Your friend was really rude.

I thought you were going to say he’s black - obviously that would be very offensive. If he isn’t he’s being OTT.

I really look forward to our annual ‘girls weekend’ each year and it would make it a really weird dynamic if someone were to bring their partner. Especially if they’d only been dating a few months.

Even more especially if they’d then made the atmosphere worse and were in a mood. Throw this one back into the dating pool and keep your friends separate from dating unless it’s agreed in advance it’s a couples weekend.

I think your friend is rude
I would be furious if a group of men referred to me as a “girl”
I hate it when adults refer to themselves as girls / boys

As I said before, there’s nuance there as there’s a history of misogyny and there isn’t at all the other way round.

So that makes it OK then does it? Take out your frustrations of centuries of misogyny on whichever male happens to be in the vicinity?

@RaininSummer

Pretty pathetic. Sounds like a joke. Do you throw a hissy fit if referred to a a girl even though you are a woman?

If I was the only woman and three men told me to “come on, get the drinks poured, girl” they would be in no doubt as to what I thought of it. If that's your definition of a hissy fit then yes it would definitely be thrown.

The thing is he found it offensive. And that is his right. Your friend can’t know him that well and it’s very insulting. If he’s a Good man and you like him then you need to overlook this. It doesn’t mean anything about him. Just that he’s got the balls to speak up. Your friend is rude.

Absolutely. Massive faux pas on the part of @Poppies2222x . There are regular nearly unanimous MN threads on this subject (someone always pretends to be baffled by why any woman could ever want a single sex get together or why anyone would find a tag-along partner changes the atmosphere for the worse, but they are generally a lone voice amongst hundreds of posts confirming its disappointing and spoils the atmosphere). Almost everyone finds it inappropriate it is when one woman brings her partner to a planned all female meet-up. Even worse for three nights away!

MN is absolutely hilarious - only here would people equate a woman calling a bloke 'boy' in a jokey manner with a man calling a woman 'bitch' or 'sugar tits' - and the suggestion that a white person calling another white person boy is somehow racist is just ludicrous.

If my male friends said 'get the drinks in girl' I wouldn't think twice about doing it. If someone I didn't like much said it then I'd say 'get them yourself, 'boy'' with raised eyebrows.

I wouldn't be taking this bloke anywhere with my mates again after this OP - which I'd assume means the end of the relationship.

I just think the question isn't whether the word was potentially a bit off- that's pretty much entirely down to tone and context.

It's whether his reaction was proportionate, and it obviously wasn't. He made everyone feel awkward, on an occasion where he ought to have been trying to make a good impression.

I would find that enormously unattractive, not only because it's immature, foot-stamping behaviour, but because I'd be wondering what he'd end up doing in private if that's how little self-control he has around others.

I'd advise throwing him back, OP.

To me the red flag would be you being so dismissive of his views.

Yep

I disagree. It's not your guy who's responsible for the history of misogyny and it doesn't make it right or funny to visit it back to laugh at him and boss him about. You're the one who's missing the nuance. It's the same kind of nuance as a naked butler, but presumably your man wants to be treated like an individual, same as the rest of you.