AIBU to see his reaction to being called boy as a red flag?

[Poppies2222x]

I’ve been seeing someone for a few months and something happened this morning that has made me question whether he’s got an ego problem that could be a cause for concern.

Me and three friends (all in our late 20s) booked a woodland lodge for three nights Thursday to Sunday for a weekend away and my boyfriend has come with us.

This morning after breakfast we were relaxing around the hot tub and my friend told BF “come on, get the drinks poured, boy” not in a rude tone but in a funny ‘let’s get this party started’ kind of way. She’s very bubbly and didn’t mean anything by it. He poured the drinks with a moody look on his face and a few minutes later however he said he really took offence and said he wasn’t a boy, he was a man, and that he found it disrespectful. The mood changed quite quickly and afterwards he was still annoyed about it.

I asked him why it bothered him so much and he said that being called a boy was belittling. I found this extremely cringy and fragile on his part and I’m wondering why he would view this as belittling? To me it seems he views boys as below him and I don’t want a partner with a fragile ego who thinks men are superior to everyone else including boys.

I was just discussing this with my friends whilst he was on a walk and they all found it off putting and embarrassing on his part.

AIBU for seeing this as a bit of a red flag, or is it reasonable for him to want to be referred to as a man rather than a boy?

Plus boy (as a command) has been used by racists and is not ok unless it's a dog you're telling to do something.
Mr T picked that name to make racists have "Mr" the first thing out their mouths-we have all known since the 80s it's NOT ok to address anyone as "boy".
Yet you call him a red flag instead of confronting your mum!

blimey was it her mother?????

Rude and disrespectful. And doesn’t surprise me at all that some posters are criticising him for being offended. Apparently males aren’t allowed to have feelings on MN.

I think it was very rude of your friend. She was trying to belittle him by making out he was a servant.
You should have been in his corner. She was making fun of him. Not nice at all.

If a group of men told me "pour the drinks girl" I'd tell them to fuck off with themselves and learn some respect.

But then I'm not in the habit of speaking to people like shit so very much set my bar in expectation of the same treatment.

There's nuance the other way round too: "boy" has master/servant and class connotations. As has been explained it's a nuclear racist insult if he's not white, but it's still pretty close to the line addressed to a white man, because the intent is still to make him feel inferior.

The context is also important, especially the fact that your friend doesn't really know your boyfriend well. It's not just about the word itself.

If one of my friends refers to a group of us as "the girls" that's fine.

If DH asks me if I'm out with the girls tonight that's fine.

If a male colleague refers to me and my female colleagues as "the girls chattering away over there" that's not fine.

If I say something stupid and one of my friends responds "girl, really?!" that's fine.

If I'm with close friends and DH says "woman, get the drinks in" that would be fine - not that he's ever done it - because he would absolutely be being ironic and there would be context for it.

If I'm the only woman in a group of men and one of them said "woman, get the drinks in" that would be inexcusable.

Your scenario is closest to the last one.

You asked him because he knew someone... But did you also ask them if they wanted him to come along?

Yes, but as I’ve had to explain more than once to visiting US students of all races, it in no way has that connotation in all contexts. Where I’m from in Ireland, addressing someone as ‘boy’ or ‘girl’ is pretty much the equivalent of ‘mate’, but you’d say it to your parents or a friend alike. No connotation of the addressee being younger or less powerful. One student was terribly perplexed at a character in a novel using a ‘slave address’ to her mother.

If you are an adult then it's not normal to call yourself a girl. You are minimising and belittling yourself.
Calling him " boy" was downright offensive.

Well men do tend to say lads or guys more when referring to a group of males whereas young women may say girls night out, etc, lunch with the girls. I mean i wouldn’t and if someone called me “girl” when I’m an adult woman I would say something.

ultimately I think it’s also the context of how it was said. Like she was clicking her fingers and ordering him about like a waiter. Your friend sounds awful to be honest.

Presumably If this was Ireland and it meant mate, he'd have been fine with it and it also wouldn't be intended as a humorous comment because it'd mean 'mate' and everyone would know that - although the bossiness would still stand.

However I'm guessing this isn't Ireland and so what it means there is not the point. If I ever said such a thing to my DH in front of my friends, or if they said it to him, the joke would be that he doesn't mind being treated like shit and indeed it's funny that he's the lowest status and we can all have a good laugh about it and he has to suck it up because of the history of patriarchal oppression. I would never say it and I'd understand if he was pissed off that someone else said it. No good can come of stereotyping each other 'for a laugh'. We should aim higher.

I mean it would have been more polite if she’d just used his name like a normal person.

Well the red flag is you imo.
Your bf should dump your rude ass.

This. I’m a woman and would definitely take offence if a group of men, including my partner, referred to me as girl and ordered me to bring them drinks.

So you go on a break with your BF and his mates and they are in the hot tub and say ‘get the beers out girl, hur hur’. You wouldn’t find that off putting and offensive? I would.

And it’s not just slaves - under colonialism male servants were addressed as ‘boy’ - regardless of their age

the context is her using boy along with an order. She needs to be really careful who she does that in front of

Exactly this, 100%

I was going to comment similar but read the comments first and didn't need to.

And @Poppies2222x it wouldn't make a difference whether I knew the person saying it. It is rude and belittling and I bet he's gone out for a walk to decide if he wants to carry on seeing you after this.

Taking a new bf away on a girls weekend was never going to work and was a terrible idea all round. If you find your bf having feelings off putting then by all means ditch him. But remember that if you don't care about your partners feelings don't expect them to care about yours.

He's a cunt. Throw him back

All of this.

It's so rude, in any case. Your friend would annoy me. She's not funny.

Yep. This nails it

Your friend was patronising, disrespectful and rude. You cannot see this despite being told some would find it offensive. He explained how he felt and yet you cannot accept his feelings.
If anyone should be concerned about any flags, it should be him.

I feel a bit embarrassed on his behalf, mainly for being a spare part on your girls’ trip. There, I’ve said it - girls. How did he end up tagging along?

You're lucky he didn't just pour the drinks into the hot tub. Lots of red flags ... for him, not about him.

He should run from OP and her rude friend(s).