AIBU to see his reaction to being called boy as a red flag?

[Poppies2222x]

I’ve been seeing someone for a few months and something happened this morning that has made me question whether he’s got an ego problem that could be a cause for concern.

Me and three friends (all in our late 20s) booked a woodland lodge for three nights Thursday to Sunday for a weekend away and my boyfriend has come with us.

This morning after breakfast we were relaxing around the hot tub and my friend told BF “come on, get the drinks poured, boy” not in a rude tone but in a funny ‘let’s get this party started’ kind of way. She’s very bubbly and didn’t mean anything by it. He poured the drinks with a moody look on his face and a few minutes later however he said he really took offence and said he wasn’t a boy, he was a man, and that he found it disrespectful. The mood changed quite quickly and afterwards he was still annoyed about it.

I asked him why it bothered him so much and he said that being called a boy was belittling. I found this extremely cringy and fragile on his part and I’m wondering why he would view this as belittling? To me it seems he views boys as below him and I don’t want a partner with a fragile ego who thinks men are superior to everyone else including boys.

I was just discussing this with my friends whilst he was on a walk and they all found it off putting and embarrassing on his part.

AIBU for seeing this as a bit of a red flag, or is it reasonable for him to want to be referred to as a man rather than a boy?

@Devilsmommy He knew of the friends before me so it’s not like they’re total strangers but I thought it would be good chance to get to know each other better.

He's taken it to heart and reacted badly. He didn't need to be moody.
Depends on the context and being silly on hols is lighthearted surely?

“come on, get the drinks poured, boy”

You know her, you might think she didn't mean anything by it. But I don't know her, and that sentence written down sounds like she was treating him as a servant. 'Boy' just amplifies it. She wasn't using boy as in young male person but as in somebody inferior.

Maybe you had to be there but I think she was rude and belittling.

Completely agree.

It’s slightly different, surely given the history?

Get the drinks poured girl!

In a jokey manner?
Nobody would find that demeaning unless they are completely odd.

I agree. It sounds quite bitchy I agree with him.
It sounds like youre all lying around and he’s your little waiter boy

Lots of people would, from a man they barely know.

You are deflecting. I think you know that calling a man, 'boy' whilst ordering him around is disrespectful.

Does he ever refer to women as girls? Because if he does he doesn’t have a leg to stand on. If he always calls them women then okay.

That very much depends on the context, surely. If you're with a bunch of female friends and one of them said it then, sure, I can imagine it's fine.

But if you were the only woman there amongst a bunch of men - many of whom you don't necessarily know that well - and one of them said it, I think it would come across very differently.

Some people who are adults don't like to be referred to as juveniles - the same way some adults don't like to be called babies either! It's not that hard to grasp. Personally I don't give a crap what people call me (on the whole!) but I understand why others do. And that's their right isn't it? Just because it's ok with you doesn't make it alright with everyone else.

Totally, people are missing the very obvious context of one man and three women here.

I am not sure that I would find the use of "boy" offensive, but the whole comment she made to him was quite rude. Maybe they were annoyed you had brought your boyfriend along on a girls' trip and that irritation was expressed in that comment?

OP I think mumsnet isn't the place to ask this question, wrong vibes 😅

Doesn't matter if it started with slavery, it is systemically associated with it. Ordering a person of colour around and calling them "boy" while you do it would be regarded as extremely disrespectful and provocative in many places across the world that have this history. If the boyfriend is a POC then he's right to find it unacceptable.

It’s only lighthearted if the recipient sees it that way.
Why is your BF on a girls weekend though? That was never going to work!

I would. I'll tell whoever to fuck off and get their own drinks

So he's not allowed to feel insulted because misogyny exists? Come on... that's the most ridiculous argument I have heard yet. You are doubling down. Do you even care about this man? As I said, the moodiness isn't great, but come on, he was referred to in a way that was not OK with him and instead of people being adults (the irony after what he was called!) and apologising, understanding his boundary and moving on, you've all just slagged him off behind his back!

If I went joined a new partner and his friends on a weekend away and one of them told me
"Come on girl get the drinks poured" while they were all lazing in a hot tub, id be fuming. Lighthearted or not, who says that to someone they barely know?

However, I acknowledge the history of women serving men and men serving women is different.

Though, if this was a "girls weekend" why has he tagged along?

When I am with friends we all call each other girl, and ‘pour the drinks, girl’ would be a standard phrase. He’s the one who wanted to go on the girls trip. The GIRLS trip. And now he’s moaning and bitching about being addressed with the equivalent word. Fuck him.

This is absolutely the weirdest aspect yes. but it seems @Poppies2222x is saying that she decided to invite her boyfriend to gatecrash the planned women only trip, thinking her female friends should appreciate the addition so they could get to know him better.
Definitely questionable and thoughtless.

As for his reaction - given there's no racial element it does sound as though his reaction might have been disproportionate - fine to immediately say "I don't find being ordered around like a 1970s waiter amusing" or just "I don't think you'd appreciate me ordering you to 'Pour the drinks girl' so please don't talk to me like that either, it's patronising" or perhaps better to joke "Do it yourself girl" in response, but sulking afterwards sounds like too much.

It does depend a bit how it all happened though - if he was already feeling awkward and uncomfortable and wishing he hadn't joined you it's a bit more understandable. Potentially the friend who made the comment was trying to embarrass him?

Nobody's covered themselves in glory but you would both be reasonable not to want to continue the (still very new) relationship.

Perhaps it was a red flag from him if he carried on sulking and being offended. There's certainly no obligation to keep seeing him if it's put you off.

Are you somewhere isolated? Have you all been drinking? Can he get home tonight without driving?

Imagine if the roles were reversed....he was with his friends sat in the hot tub, and he or one of his friends said to you 'Come on, get the drinks poured, girl? Yes, you're female, but you're not there to serve the men folk. In the context it's said, it comes across as being the 'little woman'.

I'm not sure your friend meant the comment in a belittling way, it was meant as a joke. The issue is, a joke is only a joke if the other person finds it funny. Your friend doesn't know your boyfriend very well (and neither do you), so she had no idea if her comment would be taken in the way it was meant or not.

Unfortunately, your boyfriend didn't take the comment as a joke, he clearly thought it was rude. He didn't appreciate the comment, and called your friend out on it. He absolutely has the right to feel how he does, and to be confident enough to say something. He shouldn't stay quiet, if something makes him feel uncomfortable. The moodiness, is a No, he made his point by saying something, there was no need to be moody and 'off'.

I'm not really sure why your boyfriend was even invited, to be honest. You'd booked to go with friends, and you've not been together very long. You don't know him very well, let alone your friends.

They are both wrong. Your friend loves to command and excuse her rudeness as a joke and your boyfriend is a twat.
Can you get rid of both?

Nah your friend was out of order. It's not about being inferior. It's like calling women dear/darling/love or saying ladies/girls, it's just not on these days and the whole sentence makes it worse. Bossing him about to pour the drinks plus 'boy', is a shitty attitude and the fact you think it's light-hearted and funny makes it worse for the person who's being commanded like that. You can argue all you like but I see his point. He may have other red flags, who knows, but this isn't one and if he found that kind of sexism funny and returned it, that would be the red flag for many.