AIBU to see his reaction to being called boy as a red flag?

[Poppies2222x]

I’ve been seeing someone for a few months and something happened this morning that has made me question whether he’s got an ego problem that could be a cause for concern.

Me and three friends (all in our late 20s) booked a woodland lodge for three nights Thursday to Sunday for a weekend away and my boyfriend has come with us.

This morning after breakfast we were relaxing around the hot tub and my friend told BF “come on, get the drinks poured, boy” not in a rude tone but in a funny ‘let’s get this party started’ kind of way. She’s very bubbly and didn’t mean anything by it. He poured the drinks with a moody look on his face and a few minutes later however he said he really took offence and said he wasn’t a boy, he was a man, and that he found it disrespectful. The mood changed quite quickly and afterwards he was still annoyed about it.

I asked him why it bothered him so much and he said that being called a boy was belittling. I found this extremely cringy and fragile on his part and I’m wondering why he would view this as belittling? To me it seems he views boys as below him and I don’t want a partner with a fragile ego who thinks men are superior to everyone else including boys.

I was just discussing this with my friends whilst he was on a walk and they all found it off putting and embarrassing on his part.

AIBU for seeing this as a bit of a red flag, or is it reasonable for him to want to be referred to as a man rather than a boy?

How would you feel about three men in a hot tub telling you to 'get the drinks in, girl'? There's your answer.

It's rude if someone said to me come on girl pour the drinks I'd be pissed specially if it was a male group !
He is a.man and your friend was belittling him and making him feel emasculated!
He's every right to b annoyed !

I wonder how much his "moodiness" was a result of his entirely reasonable reaction to being treated rudely being ignored and, instead, having a bunch of people - his partner included - rallying around to defend the person who was rude to him.

Did you invite your boyfriend of 20 seconds on a girls weekend away? If so, this is weird. He obviously doesn't know them very well if he didn't take it as a joke, as I assume your friend meant it.

I would be kinda fuming if I’d booked a girls weekend and one of my friends bought a new boyfriend. Men totally ruin the vibe. So if that was the tone of the weekend, ie that your friends were pissed off he was there, then it’s worse.
were all your friends happy that he tagged along?

But you're capable of imagining such a thing, aren't you? You have met men outside of the salon and can think how your friend's joke might not be hilarious to them.

It's rude. If a group if men said 'fetch the drinks girl' it would be seen and sexist. I think it was quite belittling.

I hate being called 'girl'. I'm mid 50s FFS! I am Team Boyfriend on this one but it's a shame he got moody. It's more a reflection on your friend who felt it ok to order around the new man on the scene. Also I guess a reflection on the company you keep. He might think you are the red flag.

More importantly why on earth is he on the trip with you when you have been dating a few months! That's the biggest red flag.

If he said to one of your friends, "Hey girl, make me a cup of tea" or "put the dinner on, little lady/princess" I'm pretty sure you'd have all taken offense. What your friend said to him was belittling and good for him for airing it. The fact that you see him speaking up as emasculating means you really aren't a good fit.

You call your colleagues women, but think he should suck it up when he’s called a boy.

Me too.

My first thought was that it sounds racist and that your friend is ignorant and rude.

Maybe so, but it's still rude. If I was away for the weekend and my partner's friend said to me 'get the drinks girl' I wouldn't find it funny, I'd find it rude and belittling.

'Boy, what day is it?' A Christmas Carol. Dickensian.
Your friend used the word 'boy' to jokingly imply he was some sort of servant. The word 'girl' isn't comparable. 'Wench' would be along the same lines. If my husband and 2 of his friends called me 'wench', I'd be pretty irritated tbh.

Most of the people here don’t understand the tone or context you’re describing at all and that’s why they’re responding like this. I’m your age, know what you mean, and yeah, it’s a red flag. Getting sulky and rude over an innocent and playful comment and banging on about being “disrespected” screams “misogynist.” He is offended that she would dare to be playful and familiar with him because he thinks he’s superior.

I’d chuck him in the bin. And I agree about not bringing new boyfriends along on girls’ weekends.

Your friend, whether joking or not really belittled him and told him to pour drinks, boy. She could have added ‘there’s a good boy’ to be that extra bit condescending. I’m impressed he still made the drinks and I think he was fully within looking after his wellbeing to raise it with you. I think you and your friends are the red flags, not him. Reverse the situation in your mind and see how you would feel!

This is relevant. If the friends partners are also on the trip, great, did they take offence at being called boy? If friends partners are not on trip or they are all single, why the hell is he on a girls trip? If he insisted he went, he’s a walking red flag, if you insisted he went, why on a girls trip. Was it just the word boy he found offensive or was it because he was asked to serve girls?

You know your friend and you know your boyfriend, if you think he over reacted then he likely did. He sounds like a man baby to me rather than a boy tbh. No way I would have brought a new boyfriend away on a friends trip though, recipe for disaster imo.

Pretty pathetic. Sounds like a joke. Do you throw a hissy fit if referred to a a girl even though you are a woman?

He's not wrong. Being called 'boy' if you're late twenties is demeaning. Why couldn't your friend have said 'man'? However, sulking about it and being moody is unreasonable. Why can't he be a grown up (man, not boy) and politely say that he doesn't like being referred to as a boy and please don't do it again?

As an aside, if I was one of your friends, I'd be quietly pissed that you'd brought your new bf along to a weekend that's for the women. It changes the whole dynamic. It's

We-ell, they're in their twenties. No kids, going with the flow and having fun, I vaguely remember it.

OP, yes, it's absolutely a red flag. And the fact that he's prepared to fuck the vibe in order to make his feelings known is even more of one.

Please tell him why when you dump him.

As I said before, there’s nuance there as there’s a history of misogyny and there isn’t at all the other way round.

@Cora0 this is exactly what I’m talking about yes. It was giving he wants to be the ‘man’ 🤢 in front of us (which I’m hoping it’s not obviously).

To everyone else wondering why he was there, I did ask him if he wanted to come as he did already know one of the friends as he used to work with her.

this 👆

Did she mean it as in boi which is friendly?

A good word here is 'chippy'. A real man (lol) would laugh because his ego would be strong enough not to demand 'respect'.

Also, your friend wouldn't have made the (slightly lame) joke if she actually thought he was inferior - that's sort of the point of it, to flip reality.