AIBU to see his reaction to being called boy as a red flag?

[Poppies2222x]

I’ve been seeing someone for a few months and something happened this morning that has made me question whether he’s got an ego problem that could be a cause for concern.

Me and three friends (all in our late 20s) booked a woodland lodge for three nights Thursday to Sunday for a weekend away and my boyfriend has come with us.

This morning after breakfast we were relaxing around the hot tub and my friend told BF “come on, get the drinks poured, boy” not in a rude tone but in a funny ‘let’s get this party started’ kind of way. She’s very bubbly and didn’t mean anything by it. He poured the drinks with a moody look on his face and a few minutes later however he said he really took offence and said he wasn’t a boy, he was a man, and that he found it disrespectful. The mood changed quite quickly and afterwards he was still annoyed about it.

I asked him why it bothered him so much and he said that being called a boy was belittling. I found this extremely cringy and fragile on his part and I’m wondering why he would view this as belittling? To me it seems he views boys as below him and I don’t want a partner with a fragile ego who thinks men are superior to everyone else including boys.

I was just discussing this with my friends whilst he was on a walk and they all found it off putting and embarrassing on his part.

AIBU for seeing this as a bit of a red flag, or is it reasonable for him to want to be referred to as a man rather than a boy?

It’s all context and probably hugely dependent on how much he already likes (or doesn’t) this friend of yours. If everyone in the group was getting on well and had been having fun, then a comment like ‘pour the drinks boy/girl’ would probably be taken in good humour. If he has already been finding this friend overbearing/ annoying/ self centered- the comment will have irritated him. Not specifically because of the use of ‘boy’ but just in light of someone who’s already irritating him speaking to him in a bit of a condescending way.

I'm assuming that you are male.
Would you go somewhere where it was just you surrounded by women?

It is not thin-skinned to be upset at being ordered around and called "boy" by people you don't know well.

Men committing more sex crimes is utterly irrelevant to this specific situation. This particular man has not committed sex crimes, has he?

I don't even believe that misandry exists (because of societal power structures) but I do believe that treating other humans with respect and decency should exist and in this case it was the OP's loudmouth friend who utterly failed on that front. She was the one who ruined the vibe with a crass, belittling, rude joke to someone she didn't know well.

"Boy" doesn't just have racist connotations - it's specifically racist because of the master/slave dynamic but it has servant/class connotations regardless of race.

But he was invited? If OP thought it appropriate for him to go and invited him then why should he ‘know better’ than her. The arguments are all over the place

I’m sure he wishes he hadn’t gone!

Whyever not? I've gone away for this sort of getaway with various groups of friends, including some where there's only been one man, and sometimes where I've been the only woman. Single-gender socialising isn't the only option.

(We don't know the specific dynamics of the OP inviting her boyfriend along, whether her friends were OK with that etc, because she hasn't said.)

Someone better tell Sony that "boy" is racist no matter the context (IYKYK).

Op its a red flag he wanted to go even though you invited him IMO. Not in a weird way just in a "mate, have some awareness and duck out of this one"

Your friend was having a laugh, not his humour and thats fine, but his reaction is so wet The Ick would arrive and never leave IIWM.

Oh poor lamb.
Ganged up on by a few women out to have a good time when if he'd had any sense he wouldn't be there in the first place.

God help us if there is some national emergency and he is representative of the calibre of men in this country.

'Go put out that fire, boy. It's urgent!! There's 200 people in there!! '

' Can't do it. I'm too upset. You said a word that's hurt my feelings.'

yup. this exactly.

Absolutely wild how a supposedly progressive feminist defaults to regressive traditional gender expectations just like that. Not a real man unless he's strong and stoic, right?

This is why women get accused of playing games and not saying what they mean

She invited him but somehow he is in the wrong for having accepted her invitation

Yep.
And I'm not apologising for it, either.
Stoicism is an essential part of what makes a man a man.

The friend was unintentionally correct: any white, British male who doesn't shrug it off is, in my opinion, a boy.

And I never said that I was a progressive feminist, only that men and women should be treated the same in the eyes of the law etc.

I'm not going to pretend they're the same, though.
That would be absurd.

My ex-husband might have behaved like this - he was very easily slighted and he was abusive. He was much more easily offended by women though, and it also very much depended on his mood - something that would have made him laugh one day was something that sparked deep offence on another.

One of the things that set him off at times was seeing me relaxed and happy. I had to figure that out retrospectively though, after I spent years walking on eggshells around him.

I am surprised that other posters have interpreted your friend as having been given your boyfriend “a command” in an imperious way, when you have already said that she was being generally playful in a “let’s get this party started” sort of way. I can imagine the tone and it sounds as if she was trying to include him! (Although, I liked the song “American Boy” so obviously there is something wrong with my opinion 😆)

If he was genuinely hurt though, he could have behaved like an adult and quietly had a word with your friend later on.. but he didn’t. He sounds socially inept at best and like someone who failed to read the room. He caused an atmosphere. Someone this thin-skinned, who is happy to ruin your day, is going to be exhausting to be around.

Sit down and think back and see if there are any other occasions where you have seen a different side to him that surprised you for a second, however brief. Look for a feeling of “that was weird!” and confusion about his reaction to something or someone, it’s easy to brush away at first if it is brief.

Will you walk on eggshells socially now in case he is upset by someone else and needs to be soothed and pandered to? Stop seeing that particular friend because she hurt his feelings?

I have a gut feeling that he would have found something else to be offended by this weekend, if it wasn’t this. As for all the “boy” fury, it depends on context and tone. If she had genuinely been speaking to him like a butler then it would be different, but you already explained this.

Stoicism does not mean meekly accepting somebody using charged language that most people over the age of 13 with some modicum of awareness and intellect understand to be rooted in enslavement and servitude.

Must admit, I'm more preoccupied with why your fairly new bf is on a girls' weekend. But that's not really the point of the thread. I don't mind it when people use 'girls' or 'boys' to talk about adult groups. I do it myself. But some people do mind and that's their right. He didn't like it and he said so, fair enough. Nobody has to put up with being called something that makes them uncomfortable.
But that doesn't mean he gets to ruin the rest of the weekend because of it. Unless she is still repeatedly calling him a boy now that she knows he doesn't like it then he needs to accept that it's just one of those things and move on.
If he's still making it all about him that would really piss me off.

Boys shouldn't cry, then? Men shouldn't express their feelings? Someone really wants to preserve toxic masculinity.

If you don't see how enforcing old-fashioned gender stereotypes (men should be strong, stoic providers... and the flipside is women are weak, emotional home-makers?) is the root cause of patriarchal injustice then I can't help you. Nor can I take your opinions seriously.

Your friend was incredibly rude and insulting good on him for calling her out
but you seem hell bent on defending her totally oblivious to how out of order she was

tbh this should be of red flag for him about you and your friends

This. A thousand times. Exactly my experience of abuse as well, easily slighted, easily offended by a woman, thin skinned, socially inept - now you will need to make it better so the weekends ok. He is grooming you to fawn over him and anticipate what might upset him.

Run for the motherfucking hills

@Poppies2222x where I live it’s a word always used between the males.
My neighbour and his friends also use it and let’s say he’s well past retirement.
I don’t think your boyfriend thinks boys are below him.
He has taken literally that your friend thinks he’s a wee boy and not a “man”
Id let him off this one and keep an eye on it.
If he isn’t use to the way they talk or being around them maybe he will realise in time .
I think it all depends what area you are from .

I think it all depends what area you are from .

Definitely.

’Boy’ and ‘girl’ are widely used where I live, often tacked on to the end of a sentence. It’s not related to age at all.

‘How are you boy?’
’That’s gorgeous girl.’

It would be interesting to know whether OP’s friend is from an area where the term is used like this. The tone of what she said isn’t clear without knowing this.

The point is youre just not that into him if youre honest with yourself

It was a power play and he called her on it.

Seeing how any adult handles themselves in the face of ill treatment tells you a lot about the sort of person they are. It takes maturity to handle one’s own emotions while making clear that some behaviour is not acceptable. Being able to handle it well is a valuable life skill and the mark of a well adjusted adult.

His reaction was not that. He was moody and spoiled the vibe for the whole group, as if to revenge himself for the insult by making sure the whole trip was spoiled for everyone.

What you do with this insight is up to you. I know what I’d do having found out that this is how a potential new long term partner reacts.

@NeverDropYourMooncup I think that anybody with any 'modicum' of intellect would deduce that none of that applies if he is a white British male.

Well said.
Agree 💯