AIBU to see his reaction to being called boy as a red flag?

[Poppies2222x]

I’ve been seeing someone for a few months and something happened this morning that has made me question whether he’s got an ego problem that could be a cause for concern.

Me and three friends (all in our late 20s) booked a woodland lodge for three nights Thursday to Sunday for a weekend away and my boyfriend has come with us.

This morning after breakfast we were relaxing around the hot tub and my friend told BF “come on, get the drinks poured, boy” not in a rude tone but in a funny ‘let’s get this party started’ kind of way. She’s very bubbly and didn’t mean anything by it. He poured the drinks with a moody look on his face and a few minutes later however he said he really took offence and said he wasn’t a boy, he was a man, and that he found it disrespectful. The mood changed quite quickly and afterwards he was still annoyed about it.

I asked him why it bothered him so much and he said that being called a boy was belittling. I found this extremely cringy and fragile on his part and I’m wondering why he would view this as belittling? To me it seems he views boys as below him and I don’t want a partner with a fragile ego who thinks men are superior to everyone else including boys.

I was just discussing this with my friends whilst he was on a walk and they all found it off putting and embarrassing on his part.

AIBU for seeing this as a bit of a red flag, or is it reasonable for him to want to be referred to as a man rather than a boy?

@greentik, is it ok to use racist terms in a 'jokey' way? It really isn't however much of a 'laugh' some people think it is. Using a derogatory 'mean' word to belittle someone is not ok, even if it is as you say a 'joke' a 'laugh'.

@ThreadGuardDog where has the OP said her boyfriend is POC? She actually states ‘we are all white’.

Did you ask your friends how they felt about it beforehand? As I would not like this.

He is white.

The word 'boy' can be used for a variety of reasons depending on the context.
In the film In The Heat of The Night it is clearly racist when Mr Tibbs is called it.

Not amongst a group of White, British young people, though.

Can you honestly not see that words have different connotations given context and the people involved? confused 😕

No, you seem unable to grasp that.

White people have been servants as well. There are examples on this thread of white hotel staff being addressed as "boy" by guests.

Treating someone as a slave (addressing a Black person as "boy") is beyond the pale. Treating someone as a servant/staff (addressing a white man as "boy") may not be as atrocious but neither is it acceptable or polite.

And the context is not a man referring to himself as a boy, or being called a boy by his trusted friends or partner, but someone he barely knows ordering him around as a "boy". That is the context that makes it rude and offensive.

So he couldn't possibly be aware that it's insulting particularly in a racist context, but is also insulting to anybody to be spoken at as though they were a servant or indentured worker?

If you wanted to get particularly blunt about it, he was being ordered around by a pisshead hairdresser as though he was there to provide decoration and service. I wouldn't accept anyone being spoken to like that for any of our male staff, never mind the female ones even before you get to a social setting.

Yes, why not? Both DPs best friends are divorced and have been single for a few years. We all go out together a few times a year, or we go to one of their houses or they come to ours for dinner.

My own best friend is female, and I go out with her solo or with one of our other female friends sometimes.

And I'm quite often the only man in work surrounded by women.

I'm not sure how that's relevant really, none of them would ever call me "boy", any more than I'd call them "girl", or "woman" for that matter. They have names.

@QuintadosMalvados
From AI
Using "boy" to address middle-aged male staff in hotels and restaurants is widely considered condescending and rude. It implies the worker is inferior or powerless.
Historical baggage: Historically, employers in the UK, the US, and colonial regions frequently used "boy" to demean male servants or minority staff to keep them in lower social classes. 1, 2]
Using the term 'boy' towards a grown man is very insulting.

Wow - what a leap! The females are rude but with a little story telling we can make him abusive.

Using the word boy in that manner is extremely demeaning like people used to say to slaves or servants. He has every right to be offended irrespective if anybody else think it is an over reaction.

Pisshead hairdresser. How misogynistic.

Classist at a push, but as hairdresser isn't a sex specific title, it's not a gendered insult.

So you think it's OK him whining like this during the event? Why could he not keep his opinion to himself until either he got home or until he worked out whether the woman that said this throw away comment, meant it as a demeaning term? Abusive might be a bit strong but it's hardly evidence of a man capable of regulating himself.

@StooOrangeyForCrows
Would you give the same advice for racist insults? Just keep quiet and don't make a fuss until later. I am shocked by some of the posters telling him to suck up a racist/ classist demeaning term and just go quiet. It seems like the advice women were given back in the 70s.

Seriously @StooOrangeyForCrows . At what point does your sense of right and wrong kick in?

I've often seen advice on Mumsnet to women that when someone is rude to them that they should challenge it.

Standing up for yourself when someone refers to you in a belittling way is not "whining" and should be commended. And being upset when someone refers to you in a belittling way is not the same as being unable to regulate oneself. That kind of opinion just reminds me of the people who dismiss racist and sexist microaggressions, and say the victims should just learn to take a joke.

Oh. You're just being classist then?
Oh well that's OK then.

Jolly good.

Though of course hairdressers are much more likely to be female, not be high earning or have degrees. As everybody knows.

Funny how you did not designate any other profession to her, isn't it?

Gosh a cynic might say that you look down on a whole class of female workers. Perish the thought I say.

Though she's also been called 'a posh snob' and imperious elsewhere.

Hmm...

So he’s not allowed to speak out when someone is blatantly rude? He should keep his mouth shut and seek permission to be offended later like a good little boy?

As far as I'm concerned, he's weird as hell for accepting the invite in the first place, though I concede that the OP was foolish to offer it, and either extremely thin-skinned, abusive or both.

For the sake of argument, though, let's assume you've got a valid point and he was right to be offended.

OP was not the person to call him 'boy', the friend did, could he not have put it aside for her sake?

She's not the 'guilty party' here, remember.

At the very least, he's not prepared to put his feelings aside temporarily so that somebody else can enjoy themselves.

All 'genders'?! No, this is liberal, modern day faux feminism

That wasn't the question...

So?
It's OK to make comments about the scenario as a whole.
And let's face it, no normal bloke would want to go on a 'girls trip'.

We don’t know that’s how it was sold to him

I find the idea that she invited him and he said yes becomes a him problem. She shouldn’t have invited him instead of playing games

He knew he was going away with 4 women and that he'd be the only male. Unless she lied to him but I'm going to assume OP told him this.

Did he not realise that he'd be the odd one out?
Did he not realise that this was a 'girls trip'?

Perhaps unworldliness and naivety is yet another potential flaw in his character.
What a catch. Lol.

Though I just think he went to keep an eye on OP.
Make sure she wasn't up to anything unsavoury like having fun and to monitor her and her friends' behaviour.
And boy (no pun intended because the English language is a wonderful thing and different words can have different meanings, though to read this thread you never have guessed) did he succeed.

He'll no doubt be sending the OP a list of approved words to use in front of him next.