AIBU to see his reaction to being called boy as a red flag?

[Poppies2222x]

I’ve been seeing someone for a few months and something happened this morning that has made me question whether he’s got an ego problem that could be a cause for concern.

Me and three friends (all in our late 20s) booked a woodland lodge for three nights Thursday to Sunday for a weekend away and my boyfriend has come with us.

This morning after breakfast we were relaxing around the hot tub and my friend told BF “come on, get the drinks poured, boy” not in a rude tone but in a funny ‘let’s get this party started’ kind of way. She’s very bubbly and didn’t mean anything by it. He poured the drinks with a moody look on his face and a few minutes later however he said he really took offence and said he wasn’t a boy, he was a man, and that he found it disrespectful. The mood changed quite quickly and afterwards he was still annoyed about it.

I asked him why it bothered him so much and he said that being called a boy was belittling. I found this extremely cringy and fragile on his part and I’m wondering why he would view this as belittling? To me it seems he views boys as below him and I don’t want a partner with a fragile ego who thinks men are superior to everyone else including boys.

I was just discussing this with my friends whilst he was on a walk and they all found it off putting and embarrassing on his part.

AIBU for seeing this as a bit of a red flag, or is it reasonable for him to want to be referred to as a man rather than a boy?

Yeah, in the US calling someone a ‘boy’ has very different connotations.

Even outside of those, it’s demeaning. I wouldn’t respond well to my husband’s friends addressing me as ‘girl’, even in jest.

Did your women friends not mind a man encroaching on their break? I’d have been really pissed off if a friend of mine brought her man friend along to our time away.

@Poppies2222x maybe he felt a bit ganged-up on, in the group setting, a bit embarrassed so over-reacted?

Depends where you are.
‘Boy’ and ‘girl’ are commonly used to address friends where I am.

I can imagine he wishes that more than you. He was humiliated, end of. Your ‘fun’ friend sounds unbearable. Hopefully you will learn from this experience, how to treat people. I think he showed decorum. You have an awful lot to learn. Don’t post for sympathy. Anyone with any maturity or empathy isn’t going to back you

No. OP wanted him to go. He didn't inflict himself on the group. OP suggested that he went.

There's a whole world of difference between women referring to each other as girls, and calling a man, 'boy'. If you can't see that, you're as dumb as a box of rocks.

Is he white? If not it must get have felt derogatory?

And you are loosing the context of a term ‘ boy’ which can mean different things in different regions. It was the fact that your ‘friend’ treated him as a servant, in a really awful way while you were all in the hot tub. Appalling way to treat anyone and you think he’s showing red flags wtaf

He felt disrespected and expressed himself well in a respectful manner. If you’ve been saying a few months, you might be better off leaving him to someone who will encourage respect from her friends. I can see why he felt disrespected. What was your reaction btw? Hopefully, he’s had some time to think on his walk and is reflecting.

I've never been called it but I really don't think I'd appreciate it if someone I didn't know called me "boy". It really gives off servant vibes.

Once I reached adulthood I always found it demeaning being referred to as a girl, and I picked up anyone who did. I remember once going to an interview where one of the male interviewers said "We were thinking of getting a girl in" and I told them I was a woman, not a girl. I didn't get the job and I think they saw this as a red flag that I would not be submissive. I don't know what ideas they may have had in getting in a girl.

But calling yourself it is 100%different!
As a PP has stated if a group of men 'ordered' the only woman present to pour their drinks with 'come on pour our drinks girl' I think there would be a lot of different responses!!
Personally think he was right to speak up (not to sulk, that never looks good) and you bitching behind his back is really showing how immature you all are!

well put - I was thinking the same. In fact in my dim dark past I worked on a TV show where one of the hosts had a catch phrase: ' I like the boy'. Unfortunately he said it to the audience about a famous black boxer who was a guest , sitting right across from him. So close to being laid out.

Abusers do this exact thing.

He has successfully ruined the vibe and also made it all about him - abusive.

@Poppies2222x Y'know when you call him your boyfriend on here? Have you ever referred to him as that in his earshot?

Maybe start calling him your manfriend just to be on the safe side. You don't want to trample on his delicate feelings.

Massively insulting, this is not belittling its insulting. I can't believe you thinkg this is okay and lighthearted. I can't believe I have to explain to you asking someone do serve them and call them Boy essentially says they are considered to be a slave.

Drop your friend asap if they are this racist.

Your friend sounds like a dick. I suggest your friends didn’t want him to come. Why on earth have you inserted him into this weekend? The sulking would put me off though.

I think you can use your imagination! Why is he there when you're away with friends?

Please do educate me, given that I am so ‘dumb’ (interesting that you’re so quick to leverage insults at a woman in a thread about a man having his feelings hurt, at the same time as falling over yourself to advocate for a man who feels insulted….).

What is the ‘world of difference’ between a woman being referred to in casual conversation by either sex as girl, and a man being referred to in casual conversation as boy? Racist connotations aside as we know this isn’t relevant to this man, what is the world of difference? The only difference that I can see is that he is a man rather than a woman, but what are the other differences? What makes it worse? Especially without men having the history of oppression that women have faced and continue to face.

This is a remarkable thread because it's one of the first times I've seen a group of women decide that a man needs to get over a belittling comment because it's just bants - ie the kind of thing men do to women all the time and which MN correctly gets up in arms over.

"It was just a joke" is never a reasonable response if someone feels belittled, Aside from everything else it's extremely poor social etiquette - in any social group you should be seeking to make the newest person feel welcome and at home, and if you accidentally say something that makes them feel otherwise you should feel mortified and apologise.

If you can't tell that there's a world of difference between an adult woman saying she's out with the girls tonight - or an adult man saying he's out with the boys - referring to a group of long-standing friends; and either the sole woman in a group of men she doesn't know well being told "get the drinks, girl" or the sole man in a group of women he doesn't know well being told "get the drinks, boy" then you're being obtuse.

It's very important that he didn't know the OP's friends well. Calling someone "girl" or "boy" with a command attached is the kind of joke that might - only MIGHT - land if you know someone really well, you have a shared history and a shared sense of humour. If you don't have any of that there's no base level of trust that it was meant well.

If you need the connotations spelled out, then when adults say "out with the girls/boys" they tend to mean they want to feel young again, with the friends who make them feel young again. When someone commands a "girl" or "boy" to do something it means they want that person to feel like a servant and inferior to them.

There are a couple of posters who've confirmed themselves in my mind as full-on trolls. Thinking this man should get over it is not a position I agree with, but it's normal. Extrapolating that he is a certain abuser because he didn't like being called "boy" is too batshit for words, so I'm assuming troll.

This. He sounds like a wuss. It was obviously a jokey comment. 🙄

I absolutely think that men and women should be treated the same in the eyes of the law etc BUT given the vast differences between the two sexes e. g. Men being responsible for more sexual crimes I'm not going to pretend that the two sexes react to things in the same way.

It is absurd to play 'flip the genders' here. Absurd.

I can see that a woman might be offended at being called 'girl' as it has misogynistic tones of 'putting little woman in her place' but not a white male who is British thus there are no racist undertones to be upset about.

I don't care if this is misandrist.

Better to be accused of misandry than to take this man's side who is either so Thin-skinned as to be virtually useless as a partner OR abusive who is using this as an excuse to spoil OP and her friends' fun.

OP was foolish to invite him, however, what man in his fucking right mind would tag along?

He's obviously weird as hell.

OP, listen to those who see him for what he is:

Thin-skinned or an abuser.

Funny how 'listening to your gut' goes out the window when it comes to virtue-signalling like 'I'd be offended' and making it a racist issue.

(Obviously it would be completely understandable if a black man was offended. I'd get that.)

This thread has really made me see how abusers get away with it for sure.

It wouldn't be ok if the sexes were reversed so I think he's well within his rights to ask not to be addressed as 'boy', it does sound pretty condescending in the situation you described. Your friend was only joking and didn't mean to cause offence but if he was able to calmly pull her up on it and explain why it made him uncomfortable I think that's a green flag.

It would be good if he was then able to move on from it and not hold a grudge or let it drag on.