AIBU to see his reaction to being called boy as a red flag?

[Poppies2222x]

I’ve been seeing someone for a few months and something happened this morning that has made me question whether he’s got an ego problem that could be a cause for concern.

Me and three friends (all in our late 20s) booked a woodland lodge for three nights Thursday to Sunday for a weekend away and my boyfriend has come with us.

This morning after breakfast we were relaxing around the hot tub and my friend told BF “come on, get the drinks poured, boy” not in a rude tone but in a funny ‘let’s get this party started’ kind of way. She’s very bubbly and didn’t mean anything by it. He poured the drinks with a moody look on his face and a few minutes later however he said he really took offence and said he wasn’t a boy, he was a man, and that he found it disrespectful. The mood changed quite quickly and afterwards he was still annoyed about it.

I asked him why it bothered him so much and he said that being called a boy was belittling. I found this extremely cringy and fragile on his part and I’m wondering why he would view this as belittling? To me it seems he views boys as below him and I don’t want a partner with a fragile ego who thinks men are superior to everyone else including boys.

I was just discussing this with my friends whilst he was on a walk and they all found it off putting and embarrassing on his part.

AIBU for seeing this as a bit of a red flag, or is it reasonable for him to want to be referred to as a man rather than a boy?

She wasn’t calling him “a boy”, she was ordering him to get drinks, and using “boy” peremptorily as if calling a servant. Very rude and I’m not surprised he objected. You have some unpleasant friends.

Oh @Poppies2222x …. Girls weekend and you brought your boyfriend along?

You totally killed the vibe right there.

As for the comment…well who cares. He if wasn’t there it wouldn’t have been made and he couldn’t have got offended by it.

Preserving toxic masculinity? Don't be daft. I'm one of the females calling out this out for what it is:

A screaming red flag that he is oversensitive and will spoil all OP's attempts at fun as he has been slighted or an abuser.

Though coming to think of it the two often go together.

A thin-skinned abuser perhaps.

I agree that she was foolish to invite him, equally though, what man who is vaguely normal would go?

It was not a power play it's a let's get this going remark - he was included on the trip that he should never have been on as an equal. He is a white male with his girlfriend and friends. There is nothing loaded and nothing insulting about what the friend said.

There are more red flags on him than at a communist camp!!

I think irs a bit bossy and condescending but not enough for your boyfriend to make a fuss over. If anything he should’ve laughed it off and made banter back.

Yeah bad move to invite him along. Spoils the vibe.

One hundred per cent. a thin skinned abuser

if you want to bang on about toxic masculinity nonsense you clearly can't see the wood for the trees in this case

Rubbish, women get called girls all the time and manage not to have a massive strop about it.

Agree 💯.
How does toxic masculinity =strong and stoic, anyway?
Surely these are virtuous traits?

Every abuser I've known never shrugs anything off.
Ever. Everything is a big f*ing deal.

It's a shame that some can't see that a man being 'sensitive' is often associated with him being an abuser.

Your boyfriend has the right to feel annoyed about your friends comment, but he should drop it , I personally wouldn’t want to be “bossed around” by my dh s friends as if I’m their slave.

however I also wouldn’t have taken my boyfriend on a girls weekend away that is just weird!

How's bitch the same as boy?! Fuck me there are some mental replies on this thread and @vintlet Yours are right up there too claiming its racist. Absolutely bonkers. If its ok to call grown women girls, then its ok to call men boys.

I don’t think he received it as being called young or a kid, get the drinks boy is referring to him as a lackey or a servant

Growing up people who snapped their fingers at a waiter or called him ‘boy’ were considered rude snobs

the issue here is the combining an order with calling him boy - it is demeaning. Try it in a restaurant and see how they respond!

and whilst this may not be something that you or your friends are aware of, it’s pretty arseholey to just assume your experience is the right one

you have ultimately given very little info here but perhaps on future don’t invite boyfriends on girls trips

A pp has explained this better than I could:

"Boy" doesn't just have racist connotations - it's specifically racist because of the master/slave dynamic but it has servant/class connotations regardless of race

'Girl' doesn't have any such connotations, which is why women feel comfortable calling themselves, and each others, girls, while men will use lads rather than boys.

You sound nice. The BF is a POC and it’s a horrible racist term.

Oh gosh. Im the biggest feminist going. My boyfriend always greets me - in public or private - with 'alright girl', and I say 'alright boy' in a mockney accent. Its never even occured to me to be offended, and no-one has said anything. They think we are cute.

I dont think its a red flag though - I think he is entitled to his opinion and then people shouldn't say it to him,and if he was a friend Id push past it. But as a partner it would make my fanny zip up like a tent.

It's not OK to call grown women girls, unless you are one of those women referring to yourself and your group. It's not OK to call a woman you don't know well a "girl", especially if you are a man and especially if you are telling her to do something.

A private joke between partners who have a shared history, shared trust and shared sense of humour is a completely different situation. If you were in a pub with your boyfriend and one of his friends, who you don't know well, "jokingly" said "time to get the drinks, girl" I guarantee you wouldn't be as amused.

I'm absolutely OK with DH or any of my close friends calling me "girl". I wouldn't be OK with a random colleague, acquaintance or friend of a friend presuming to do so.

I don’t think your friend was rude. It’s clearly a jokey thing. That said, he’s entitled to not like whats said to him, but in my view a red flag to create an atmosphere in the moment. He could have just let it go. Like others, I’m also wondering why the heck he is even there.

I am so shocked by posters who call themselves 'feminists' then reckon it is ok to call a man, 'boy'. I remember seeing a documentary about very posh hotels. One of the male staff ( middle aged, fiftyish) said he was often called 'boy' by hotel guests. It is really demeaning and unacceptable

Were your friends happy with this? I wouldn’t want a friends new boyfriend tagging along to a weekend away.

I think some of the so called feminists on here do not understand what feminism is all about.
Feminism is the belief in social, political, and economic equality for all genders. Feminists work to fix unfair rules and customs that treat people differently based on who they are. The goal is a world where everyone has the same chances and rights. 1, ]
Note 'equality for all, not just entitled women.

But this thread is about a grown woman who thinks it is funny to call a grown man, 'boy'. Just as the uber posh guests think it is their right to call a member of staff of any age, 'boy', to remind them of their inferiority.

Really? If you were the newcomer, away with your new boyfriend, and he was sat in a hot tub with all his mates, and one of them said, "Pour the drinks, girl", you'd be fine with it?
This isn't about male fragility, more about toxic feminism. If you dump him OP, you'll be doing him a favour.