AIBU to not lend a dress to a family member?

[DeathByZaraTrousers]

First world problems, I know.

My daughter had her year 11 prom last year. We bought her a lovely dress for it, not from a prom dress shop but a dress that she could wear again to weddings and parties. She has already worn it to another event. It cost about £500.

Another young person in the family is now asking to borrow it for an event. My daughter doesn’t want to lend it to her as she doesn’t want to risk it being ruined. We are now both getting texts from other family members to say my daughter should lend the dress to the other girl, she’s family, she won’t ruin it, she can’t afford her own etc.

I’ve told my daughter to ignore them, but would other people really lend out their clothes. My daughter would be gutted if it was ruined and I’m sure they wouldn’t pay for it, as they wouldn’t have the money.

Are we being unreasonable to not lend the dress?

I would just say that you can't afford to replace it so don't want to risk bad feelings between the girls if it does get accidentally damaged, but [insert shop name here] does reasonably priced dress hire

No way! She is under no obligation to lend the dress to anyone.

No one has a right to your daughter's belongings. She doesn't want to lend it, so that's the end of it. Show your daughter that you will support her and not allow her to be bullied by cheeky fuckers who don't like to hear the word 'no'!
it's important to advocate for her and teach her not to be a pushover:people pleaser!

No no no no.
it will come back ruined (bitter experience…)

This is totally true. You're teaching your daughter not to be a doormat.

Nobody should ever ask to borrow an item that they couldn't/wouldn't replace if anything happens to it. Tell them to get on vinted like everyone else who can't afford to pay retail prices.

If they really can’t afford a dress for her, I would. I’m happy to lend my things (except shoes!) and I’ve never had any issues.

Sorry, we aren’t lending it out as we can’t afford to replace it.

Bloody cheeky to keep asking once you’ve been told no.

No she might sell it on Vinted like another poster's daughter.

Totally agree with you .

To be clear, I am backing my daughter 100%. If she had said she was lending it to her, I’d have advised her not to. We are being made to feel like this is a completely normal request but I don’t think it is. I’d never lend my clothes out to anyone, other than my daughter if she wanted to them.

Alternatively, you could teach her to help others, if she can. Better to give than to receive and all that…..

Different if she was never going to wear it again (but even the. It would be within her right). No one can guarantee it won’t get ruined, what they actually mean is she would try to look after it and wouldn’t mean to ruin it if she did. Stick to your guns.

Out of interest, if an expensive item had been ruined, what would you have expected to happen? Would you just accept the loss?

And you would be happy to have spend another £500 to replace it if something happens to the dress? They have already made it clear they cannot afford a £500 dress so they definitely wouldn't replace it themselves!

I was bullied into lending a special dress, she ripped it and then acted like I was petty and precious for mentioning it. This is how people are. Why is it better to give than receive? Why is it always women this shit is directed at?

She should not be taught to help others to her own detriment. This is how women get walked all over. She has the absolute right to say no.

oh stop it, what is the new fashion from CF to reverse everything and pretending it's acceptable to be entitled to everything for free?

It IS a life skill not to be a doormat. Works with entitled relatives, in-laws from hell, but also at work and in life in general.

If they really can’t afford a dress for her, I would.

If I felt I wanted to do something, I'd rather give some money as a contribution towards buying a new dress than lend an expensive favourite dress of my own or dd's.

No, I make it clear that if an item is ruined/lost, it is to be replaced, over time if necessary. Someone once did get shitfaced and leave a v expensive handbag of mine at a venue. She went back the next day and got it, so all was well. If she hadn’t found it, I’d have expected it to be replaced.

£500 deposit which they get back if dress is returned in good condition. Otherwise they forfeit. If they agree to that and give the money upfront I would lend it. If not, no.

She can borrow from someone else
rent one
buy one for a charity shop
buy one from vinted
buy one from a cheaper high-street store

do a bit of babysitting/ pet sitting and earn enough for a dress

WHO demands a prom dress early July and only starts thinking about it?

You should decline but take your young relative to a designer of her choice and pay for a bespoke dress for her. You know that's the right thing to do.

you what now? 😂😂

Why don't you send the money for a dress to the OP if you are feeling that generous? I am sure the relative will be so grateful

This made me laugh, because if you knew me in RL, you’d know I’m as far from a doormat as you can get. I just don’t have a particular issue with lending possessions and if I can help someone, I will.