AIBU to not lend a dress to a family member?

[DeathByZaraTrousers]

First world problems, I know.

My daughter had her year 11 prom last year. We bought her a lovely dress for it, not from a prom dress shop but a dress that she could wear again to weddings and parties. She has already worn it to another event. It cost about £500.

Another young person in the family is now asking to borrow it for an event. My daughter doesn’t want to lend it to her as she doesn’t want to risk it being ruined. We are now both getting texts from other family members to say my daughter should lend the dress to the other girl, she’s family, she won’t ruin it, she can’t afford her own etc.

I’ve told my daughter to ignore them, but would other people really lend out their clothes. My daughter would be gutted if it was ruined and I’m sure they wouldn’t pay for it, as they wouldn’t have the money.

Are we being unreasonable to not lend the dress?

Of course not. It’s her dress and if they wreck it she’ll be really upset. They won’t buy her a new one - people like this never do.

I've said on other threads that my mum was guilted into loaning her wedding dress.

The dress came back with sweat stains under the arms and the veil had a cigarette burn.

The same person later borrowed the same veil and headdress for a 'a family member in the forces'. They never came back.

I’d turn it round, I think. “It’s hers - it’s a personal thing and, honestly, I don’t think it was entirely appropriate to ask for that sort of thing to be loaned in the first place. But it’s certainly completely out of order to be going on about it when she has said she doesn’t wish to. I don’t want to hear any more on the subject.”

“My daughter doesn’t want to lend her dress, which was expensive and means a lot to her. Thank you for understanding that she will not be lending it.”

We don’t know the circumstances though really do we

No I wouldn't lend it, and they're cheeky twats for even asking. I wouldn't dream of asking someone to borrow a dress - or anything at all! Never have done and never will do.

When I was at school, I was a massive people pleaser and would lend all my videotapes, magazines etc to my friends. Not once did I get them back in the condition I'd lent them in. Always came back ripped/smashed/broken. When in my 20s my cousin was a CF and would always ask to borrow clothes and CDs. Never got them back.

Now I've become rather hard hearted because of all my experiences with how rude and careless people have been with my belongings all my life.

Have a look at Snarky in the suburbs on Instagram (hilarious generally but) she has a long running saga of a woman lending a dress to a friend. It's now a civil and police case in the USA! 🤣

The family wanting to borrow the dress have already said they can't afford it so wouldn't be replacing it if they damaged it. Why are you arguing @DeathByZaraTrousers is doing wrong by not loaning out the dress when your own conditions would mean you wouldn't either??

If you are that keen to be kind, you loan her a dress that won't be replaced if damaged and then just end the relationship with this complete stranger. 🙄

The relative has had many years to put a bob or 2 away. Not your problem she didn't .
Tell her about Klarna.

The other girl doesn’t want it for prom, it’s for an 18th birthday party.

No. Okay to say you don’t lend things to people.
These are things that belong to you ( or your daughter in this case). They aren’t things that automatically can be lent out to anybody. Family or not.
Just say you don’t lend or borrow things. No more explanation needed.

My post was to the poster who said they would lend the dress but if it got ruined she would end the relationship.

My view was the same as yours - don't risk ending the relationship, just don't lend the dress in the first place. It's not worth cutting off a family member for. I find that too extreme a response.

Drip feeder

This was years ago and I was significantly over weight, I mean many stones, and I bought myself a lovely pale blue lined silk shift dress. It was beautiful and 4 sizes smaller than I wore. It was my incentive dress.

Every month, after weigh in, I initially held it against me, as I was too big to get in it, then I could get in it but there was no way I could get the zip even an inch up, I took monthly photos from the moment I could get in it, even thought it wouldn't fasten.

Anyway I went away for 5 days in the UK and when I came back, the silk dress was hanging on a hangar over the radiator and had a massive stain/bleach mark on the front. It was literally right in front of my face as I arrived home early. 10 mins later my flatmate came rushing through the door and carrelled into me looking at the dress near to tears.

Basically she had worn it to an evening business event and spilt red wine on it. She says she had gone to the bathroom straight away to try wipe it off and that made it worse. So several hrs later she came home, took it off and put some stain remover on that was meant for white cotton shirts and put it on a hot was in the washing machine. The very worst combination for a proper silk lined dress. She had then hung it on the hangar to dry, hoping it didn't look as bad when she got back.

I was gutted. She said it wasn't as if it was a new dress or anything special....well I begged to differ it had never been properly worn by me and it was special enough for her to "borrow" it for an important business meal. It cost me a whole weeks wages and when I said that, she said no worries, just wear one of my dresses when you go out, if of course you ever lose enough weight to fit in one of my dresses.

That was the beginning of the end for our joint tenancy!

So no, if she does not want to loan it out, then don't. There are lots of nice dresses on Vinted and Ebay.

Hardly. The OP specifically stated 'an event'. She's correcting the assumption that the event is another prom.

Never lend anything you can’t afford to lose.

So they can afford a party but not a dress?

Doubling down on the no! She just wants the fancy one her cousin has, well thats a shame but thats life.

As others have said, dont lend what you can't afford to give.

Yanbu at all.

At that price point, its adult money and adult choices. You might opt to lend a £500 dress to one friend but not another.

Frankly anyone asking twice deserves to be told to fuck off because they haven't accepted the polite rejection - they are already being rude and you don't owe manners to rude people.

Any one of my family members would lend it out to each other.

I wouldn’t say that’s a drip feed. The OP says event not prom.

I’ve lent two ball dresses to two seperate people. One came back with a stain on it (I had to dry clean it and it didn’t lift) and the second never came back as the borrower had it tailored to fit them.

They’ve told you that they can’t afford a dress so you know they can’t afford to replace it if they ruin it and honestly, you’re allowed to say ‘No’.

Also, just because they’ve asked and you refused doesn’t mean they’re entitled to you buying them a new dress! That is complete and utter madness.

Not really, it said in the opening post that it was wanted for an event. Given the OP mentioned ithe dress was originally for a prom the use of event implied this wasn’t a prom.

What? What difference does it make? I said in my OP it was for an event, I referred to it later as a party.

Thank you. People just pick at anything.

Posters are very generous in hypothetical situations when it's not their daughter's dress. Unrealistic and virtue-signalling, one might say...