AIBU to not lend a dress to a family member?

[DeathByZaraTrousers]

First world problems, I know.

My daughter had her year 11 prom last year. We bought her a lovely dress for it, not from a prom dress shop but a dress that she could wear again to weddings and parties. She has already worn it to another event. It cost about £500.

Another young person in the family is now asking to borrow it for an event. My daughter doesn’t want to lend it to her as she doesn’t want to risk it being ruined. We are now both getting texts from other family members to say my daughter should lend the dress to the other girl, she’s family, she won’t ruin it, she can’t afford her own etc.

I’ve told my daughter to ignore them, but would other people really lend out their clothes. My daughter would be gutted if it was ruined and I’m sure they wouldn’t pay for it, as they wouldn’t have the money.

Are we being unreasonable to not lend the dress?

Oh don't be so pious! It is not better to give something you want to wear again and risk it being damaged.

My daughter will get use out of it though.

"We are now both getting texts from other family members to say my daughter should lend the dress to the other girl, she’s family, she won’t ruin it, she can’t afford her own etc."

Suggested response: 'If it is so important to you that Rachel have a £500 dress might I suggest you fund it? Because I will not be doing so.'

I despise flying monkeys.

That is very generous of your daughter, but this is a different situation. The OP's daughter does not want to lend her dress. End of.

Apart from no should mean no, it’s her property,
one of the things that would bug me is the photos. If I’d bought an expensive dress and had lots of photos of me in it, I wouldn’t want someone else posting or having photos in the same dress that close to me. If they can’t afford a dress for them to buy her then they won’t be able to afford the dry cleaning afterwards either which I’d insist on for any dress. Stick to your guns and teach your daughter the lesson never a borrower or a lender be!! And… no good deed goes unpunished!

The person who,wants to borrow it may have every intention of returning it in good condition but things happen, clothes get ripped and drinks spilt on them. Dresses do not last forever. Every wear will age it a bit.

You are not obliged to lend your relative anything, especially such an expensive and well loved dress. Could you suggest to all the family members sticking their noses in that u all chip in some money for her to buy or rent an item. See how keen they all are to help if it costs them something!

FFS. You think it’s “pious” to teach children to help others?? Personally, I do not. This thread makes me wonder how we ever ended up with a Labour government!!

"DD really doesnt want to lend it and it is her dress and her decision. I have had a quick look and there are some gorgeous dresses on Vinted that are much cheaper than a new one. I am sure you will find something!"

bit different to be charitable for someone humble

and standing firm to a CF who is making demands don't you think? In fairness, the kid might have just asked, which in itself is ok, and it's her own relatives who are CF, nothing to do with her.

They are rude to push the issue. It's fine to ask and it's fine to say no. That should be the end of it.

You also do not need to spend that much on a dress. There are loads in charity shops, on vinted or online for under £100. My friends dd wore an old dress of hers.

If my daughter didn’t want to and she was going to wear the dress again, as in this case no I wouldn’t.

Most schools lend out prom dresses to those who can’t afford it. One of my daughter’s prom dresses was expensive (from a specialist prom shop), the other just a nice dress online that was a lot cheaper that she wanted as would wear it again. She picked both dresses.

Shein and various other shops have dresses of all different budgets. It’s not your responsibility to fund/find a dress that I’m sure they have had enough notice about.

It's still not yours to lend. And I seriously question whether they would lend it if they knew that, if it got damaged, it wouldn't be replaced.

My GC has just got a lovely dress from Shein. I see another poster got in first. There's just been sales on, they knew prom would have been happening, they should have the budget for something. They can't replace the dress and your DD can still make use of it, so it's a no.

If they are cheeky enough to ask to borrow such an expensive dress, they definitely won’t pay to replace it if it gets damaged. This type NEVER take responsibility financially. They’ll just say they don’t have the money, you are rich (according to them) and that means that you can afford to buy another one.

It’s much easier to say a firm no. If this family doesn’t speak to you again, is it really going to be such a big loss?

Also they can’t guarantee it won’t be trashed. Takes one other drunk teen with a glass of red wine or a cigarette however careful the wearer is.

This really. It’s all that needs to be said. And then ignore.

I think the phrase "Dont set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm" works here. Yes she could lend the dress but if it is ruined (and believe me, it happens a lot, I have worked many proms) then its gone forever and the DD doesnt want to risk that. Its a perfectly acceptable decision.

Would you lend your wedding dress?

You can find Prom dress for £20 or £30 on Vinted, I've just looked
And probably the same or cheaper in your local charity shops

Let's not pretend the family is suffering from such a hardship if they have set up their eyes on the expensive dress from the OP's daughter 😂

Asking for a loan of £10 or £20 for a dress? I would have more sympathy.

It's up to you and your DD, but yes, people do lend clothes. One of my neighbour's lent me a dress to wear for my cousin's wedding, and actually that same neighbour - who at the time barely knew me - lent me her car when I accidentally locked myself out the house so I could drive to my DH's work to get his keys.

Is it an emergency prom? Did a special siren go off in their school catchment area yesterday? If she doesn't go wearing a £500 dress will she be shot out of a cannon into a pit of venomous snakes? Will her loved ones be whipped though the streets, forced to wear (whispers) tk maxxx dresses (the horror) with nuns ringing their shame bell? How awful for her. How awful for your whole family

How will you manage the guilt OP? Imagine not picking up the pieces of a relative's lack of planning for a luxury item, wanted (not needed) for predictable, non life threatneing event. You right cowbags.

I know, get saving now and you'll have enough put by to spring for Lapland at Christmas for them all and maybe a new iPhone each if you start a small side hustle. Come on OP get your finger out. It's nice to be nice after all

I would only lend something if I didn’t mind it coming back to me or not! I would obviously prefer it to come back, and might be annoyed that it didn’t but I wouldn’t be emotionally upset or financially affected.

Seems like the dress has both an emotional value and a financial one so no, I wouldn’t lend it out.

No good deed goes unpunished. If you lend out the dress, the likelihood is that it will either get ruined or you won't get it back. You will have no recourse and your family who are all now pressuring you, will side with the person who either ruined, lost, lent out, or sold the dress out from under you. Just skip all those steps and don't lend out the dress. Anyone who feels that there's no risk to being generous with your 500 pound possession is more than welcome to buy a dress for this girl and lend it to her themselves.

I love the number of people on here who say they would happily lend out a £500 dress without question. When they don’t actually have to do it.