AIBU to not lend a dress to a family member?

[DeathByZaraTrousers]

First world problems, I know.

My daughter had her year 11 prom last year. We bought her a lovely dress for it, not from a prom dress shop but a dress that she could wear again to weddings and parties. She has already worn it to another event. It cost about £500.

Another young person in the family is now asking to borrow it for an event. My daughter doesn’t want to lend it to her as she doesn’t want to risk it being ruined. We are now both getting texts from other family members to say my daughter should lend the dress to the other girl, she’s family, she won’t ruin it, she can’t afford her own etc.

I’ve told my daughter to ignore them, but would other people really lend out their clothes. My daughter would be gutted if it was ruined and I’m sure they wouldn’t pay for it, as they wouldn’t have the money.

Are we being unreasonable to not lend the dress?

What a fucking cow! I bet she didnt pay you for it either.

Utter nonsense.

The difference is, I do not see lending a family member a possession as “setting myself on fire”. I just don’t. And, yes! I did lend my wedding dress 🥰
V V expensive, came back dry cleaned and fine and she looked utterly beautiful ❤️

She needs to say the dress has too much sentimental value and she won't be lending it out to anyone, ever.

People should never borrow what they cannot afford to replace. People should be allowed to say no, have boundaries and not be guilted into sharing much-loved possessions against their wishes, especially girls. I am glad you are sticking up for her, OP.

But you took a risk that you were happy with presumably? I mean you knew that it could get ruined or not returned but you decided you were ok with that. The DD isnt happy with the risk in this case and so is deciding not to. How is that wrong?

Right, but you didn't mind? And Op's DD does mind? I'd lend my wedding dress before I'd lend my ongoing best "occasion" dress anyway.

Exactly something like this. Explain that she atill wears the dress for special occasions (so not just sitting in a wardrobe unusued) and you know x child would feel awful if anything were to happen to it.

Totally wrong to be begging/demanding the dress!

If you lend it, this is what will happen:

1. The dress is returned in immaculate condition, having been dry cleaned.
2. It's returned but with food/drink/sweat/vomit stains and a rip or two.
3. It's not returned at all

(1. is about as likely as me winning this year's Ladies final at Wimbledon)

It’s her dress and she doesn’t want to lend it. End of story. And I don’t blame her! Honestly, some people are so bloody entitled. What’s yours is mine etc…. I would send a final message…. X will not be lending her dress to anyone so stop asking because it’s getting annoying.

I also think don’t lend it.

i think it also loses some of its specialness if you do. You could say thr 500 deposit which they get back if not damaged but id personally go to tnr adults and say this dress is special to her, the answer is no. Please respect this

That's great. I'm genuinely pleased for you.

As I said above, my mum wasn't so lucky. I only found out the story when I asked Mum why her SIL was wearing an identical wedding dress in the photograph hanging up in my grandmother's house.

I was a teen when Mum loaned her the veil and headdress again. TBH, I was angry and upset when I found out - as my mum's only daughter, I'd expected to wear to them to my wedding. Mum explained that they already felt ruined to her, or she wouldn't have done it.

Looking at it dispassionately, I probably wouldn't have worn a veil with a cigarette burn in it, but I would certainly have worn the headdress.

It’s not. Op asked if she was BU and for me, she is. I don’t place massive value on possessions and, let’s be honest, ops daughter is 16. She won’t wear this dress in another year or two, fashions and bodies change.
For me, if I’ve given my daughter a £500 dress that she has not worked for? Yes, I’d expect some humility and some sharing and that is exactly what I’ve seen from my own DDs. So op is BU for me. Does this mean she’s wrong? Nope. Just different to what I would do.

They are just saying it won’t be ruined

The kind who are rude enoughh to keep insisting often do, but things given for free are rarely valued as you'd hope, so you're right to refuse

Not everyone likes the idea of other people wearing their clothes - she's entitled to say no just because.

If u can afford it and know her size get a charity shop dress for her or bungalow her some money towards a dress rental ? Shein is amazing...

I would not lend it tell a white lie say that your daughter is wearing it to something on the same date

Gotta be the funniest autocorrect ever ...bung*
You would need to know her size though if u did the charity shop bit x

I have lost count the amount of vinyl records, CD's and books I've lent over the years and never seen again. One I got back, covered in sticky goodness knows what, I'd wished I'd not got it back. I never lend now, I can't afford to subsidise everyone else.

what difference does it make?

She can still find a dress on Vinted!

Lose both the item AND the friend.

Ps or could she wear a rented outfit??

Tell the relative to go on vinted and find something similar. She must have some sort of budget but prom dresses often get damaged and your daughter is right not to want to lend hers. Imagine the ill feeling and upset if it gets ruined. It’s her special dress and she can do what she likes with it. Nobody is entitled to anyone else’s belongings.

If a person requesting the item is told no and then gets stroppy to the point of ending a friendship I would suggest that the ‘no’ was the correct decision.

So pleased you are backing your daughter. My DM always let others have my things that meant a lot to me and am still sad about some stuff. I never did this to my DD. I didn't pass on any requests, even when she was little.