To be upset with DD for this?

[dressdrama26]

Last year I lent my DD (19) a summer dress to go on holiday with her boyfriend. I’m going on holiday myself in a few weeks with DH and asked her for the dress back (assuming it was still in her wardrobe). She said “I’m not sure if I still have it, I think I sold it on Vinted”. I was perplexed, asked her why on earth she would do this? She said “well I just didn’t think you wanted it back”. In fairness, I hadn’t asked her for it back since last summer as I hadn’t needed it yet, but still, surely you don’t sell an item of clothing someone has lent you just because the person hasn’t asked for it back yet? Just seems crazy to assume the person doesn’t want it back and is happy for you to sell it? She’s normally a caring and lovely girl, so this has thrown me off a bit as it feels really disrespectful. She offered to replace it and has already ordered the replacement and paid for faster delivery so it arrives before my holiday, but I’m still just left a bit bewildered and disappointed. Am I overreacting to be upset here?

”ranting” 😂
Sorry is there a time limit for engaging with your own thread on here? I hadn’t got that memo…

I do think this articulates a little why I feel hurt actually - feeling like a “resource” rather than a person with feelings who should be respected in the same way I respect her. If that makes any sense.

It does, but I think it takes a while longer before that happens. Dd is mid teens so I'm basically an embarrassment with a bank account 😂

@DarkForces haha I love that, an embarrassment with a bank account😂 Sums it up really! Although I think I maybe expected more of an adult to adult, woman to woman relationship by almost 20. DD has a good job, she’s earning well; she lives at home with me still so doesn’t have bills etc (I take minimal board off her - just a small token amount), so she doesn’t need my bank account as such. But I suppose I’d hoped for more of a mutually respectful mother-daughter adult friendship by now? Maybe that will come in future though 🙂

Don't be afraid to point it out to her.
She didn't think it wrong to sell someone elses belongings.
That needs firm clearing up IMO.
If you don't tell her, who will?

I would also have found it strange to say the least. Now almost a decade on from the entitled teenage years, I might wonder if perhaps she had lost or damaged it way back last year. Rather than fessing up , she might have hoped you’d simply forget (!). That might also explain her apparently casual and indifferent reaction when you asked for it.

It reminds me somewhat of my DD’s teenage denials, that all these years later we both laugh about. Either way she has made amends and I am sure it won’t happen again.

43 posts all acting like she’s done this awful thing.

She sold a dress. She’s bought a replacement. It’s done.

You're right. If it's any consolation I still took my mum for granted to a degree until I had dd. Then I was like shit, my mum is amazing and I'm a bit of a twat. She'll get there!

This is the sort of thing that would annoy me but I value my things wheras I know my dh would not particularly be bothered if it happened to him. I have no issue allowing people to borrow my stuff and have 2 girls so am aware they might want to borrow my stuff as they get bigger. It's the carelessness that would bother me and the lack of acknowledgement. So yes she has ordered you a new one but an apology wouldn't have gone amiss.

Yes she fixed it but you still have a right to be annoyed. Ppl saying you cannot be annoyed because she put it right are ludicrous. Yes you have a right to feel how you feel.

Good point - maybe I should highlight it so she can learn for next time. 😊

You do, but what a waste of emotional energy when you could focus on the good stuff in life. I ask myself if this is the worst thing to happen this week, how bad is it? And invest my energy accordingly

I'd have been disappointed too, OP.
But at least she's quickly tried to make amends, so not all bad.

Not the point, but I'm curious about this dress now. Share a link? 👗

I would be a bit perplexed and disappointed too. I wouldn't drag it out (I know you're aren't either) but it would play on my mind too.

What is she like generally with other people's things? Some people are just very careless. I've had people ask to borrow something and then never see it again. If I asked for it back I would often get a blank face and a shrug and be told they had no idea where it was - or gave it to someone else or threw it away because they had forgotten it was mine. (My mum is like this with my stuff though she'd go ballistic if I did it to her!)

Whilst I see your point here, it’s not entirely realistic to always be able to just focus on the “good stuff” in life. I have lots of good stuff going on, and I also have some really fucking awful stuff going on too, and everything in between (where this likely falls). But I think it’s OK to need / want to reflect on negative feelings that come up for us as parents, and to sense check with other parents. It doesn’t mean I’m dwelling on the negatives, it’s just a healthy way of processing quite natural feelings, in my opinion. So in that sense, none of this has been a waste of my energy. 😊

Had to replace my entire wardrobe following weight loss. I was delighted to find the same tall trousers from New Look, labels still attached, in my new size on Vinted. They must be minimum 10 years old. I wear them to death because they complete hide my apron belly!

YABU, very mature of her to admit to it and replace it rather than lying that she cant find it or a friend borrowed and lost it etc

what the fuck? you think its ok she sold something that didnt belong to her just cos the OP didnt ask for it back straight away?

Well of course. I'm recommending a proportional approach to where you expend your limited energy. I use it on the shit bits I can change. In this instance you have a brand new dress you know you'll love on the way to replace a worn one. Your daughter has shown that she will take accountability and seek a resolution when she screws up. I know where I'd focus.

She is a teen is not an excuse. She is eighteen not fourteen.

I’m actually gobsmacked that she sold it. She must have looked at it, realised it was yours that you lent her and still went ahead with selling it. Bizarre. I’d be hurt because it implies that she simply didn’t care.

This isn’t just a random! This is her daughter, this is how family grievances happen and distance occurs between children and parents. It was a dress, she didn’t sell her kidney. Do you think she needs to hold a grudge forever just because she sold her dress? Let things go, grudges help no one

You're absolutely not unreasonable, and sometimes replacement items aren't exactly the same. You'd think they should be, but on trying to replace a pair of trousers, the next pair, although the same size, didn't seem to fit the same and just didn't feel as nice. Bad cutting? Slightly different material?
And sometimes the item isn't available, so it's never ok to just assume you can replace it. Even if you didn't want it, she shouldn't make money from it (if you had a deal where she can sell anything of yours when she likes and have the money, you would have mentioned it presumably).

Yes, captures it well.