To be upset with DD for this?

[dressdrama26]

Last year I lent my DD (19) a summer dress to go on holiday with her boyfriend. I’m going on holiday myself in a few weeks with DH and asked her for the dress back (assuming it was still in her wardrobe). She said “I’m not sure if I still have it, I think I sold it on Vinted”. I was perplexed, asked her why on earth she would do this? She said “well I just didn’t think you wanted it back”. In fairness, I hadn’t asked her for it back since last summer as I hadn’t needed it yet, but still, surely you don’t sell an item of clothing someone has lent you just because the person hasn’t asked for it back yet? Just seems crazy to assume the person doesn’t want it back and is happy for you to sell it? She’s normally a caring and lovely girl, so this has thrown me off a bit as it feels really disrespectful. She offered to replace it and has already ordered the replacement and paid for faster delivery so it arrives before my holiday, but I’m still just left a bit bewildered and disappointed. Am I overreacting to be upset here?

I know! I said that for me, replacing the dress immediately would be far more valuable and appreciated than an apology. And acknowledged that the OP may well disagree 🤷🏻‍♀️. Some people value words, some actions.

Ok. You’re still more cross with me than the person who called your daughter a spoilt madame without knowing her, so I do think that’s pretty weird and sad.

Of course you’d be bewildered if someone acted so out of character but no harm done. The situation was resolved and, perhaps, it’s a lesson learned. Certainly not worth falling out over.

Putting it right IS the apology.

Ask her to buy new dress

@Tinycatclub cross 😂 trust me: I do not waste precious energy being “cross” with Internet strangers (that would be yet more assumption). I find you draining to engage with, because you appear to be deliberately trying to misunderstand me at this point. Which is odd, but it’s not a me problem. And I find it heavily ironic that you point out how it’s “weird and sad” for Internet strangers to make judgements about my daughter who they don’t know; and yet, you’ve made repeated judgements about me throughout this thread, a person who you also do not know. Maybe you could reflect on the irony here?

Wondering if she didn't sell it but it got lost / damaged on holiday / further lent to someone else on the holiday and saying she'd sold it felt better than admitting it was damaged / lost etc.

She already has! Read the thread

Just get over it she has ordered you a new one.

I wouldn’t expect to have to ask for something I’d lent to be returned. I’m actually surprised she didn’t think to wash, dry iron and return it immediately after her holiday.

Yes. If a friend has done this to her, or if I had, she would be quite rightly furious.

imagine if I started a thread saying “AIBU to have sold my daughter’s dress on Vinted? She lent it me last year but didn’t ask for it back straight away so I assumed she didn’t want it and sold it; now she’s upset?”
You can imagine the absolute (quite justified!) pile on I’d be subjected to.

Yet when you’re posting as the person who’s item has been sold - you’re unreasonable? 😂

My favourite dresses are also my favourites because I’ve worn them to the places I’ve worn them. Someone else’s second hand dress isn’t really the same thing? Am I alone in feeling that way?!

Yes. Apologies are just words but she has rectified it and paid for speedy delivery so no harm done. I hope my dd turns out so well

You are not being unreasonable, however she is only 19. Yes she’s an adult but doesn’t yet have a fully mature brain. She’s done it and not thought about, which is inconsiderate. However I think it’s lovely she’s ordered you a replacement and made sure it comes before holiday. Hopefully a learning point for her in the future!

I don't actually have a daughter. I do have a teenage son who can be a complete dickhead on occasions. if I posted on here some of his dickhead behavior and posters called him a dickhead I wouldn't be offended because it would be true. I think the fact that you're so outraged that I called out her daughter for being an entitled little madam demonstrates your very peculiar attitude towards parents having standards for their almost adult children.

No it's not! An apology is an apology. Reparations come after apology, not instead

I totally understand why you’re miffed and would be too but learnt at training the pre frontal cortex (decision making part of the brain) is not fully developed until after 25. As soon as I heard it I looked back to my early twenties and it gave me an idea why I’m so much more responsible now at 45! It’s almost made me forgive my kids for lots of idiot moves so hope it helps you to do the same :)

I’ve commented on specific things you’ve either done or said. Unlike the things people have said big sweeping things about your daughter as a person, which you seem to be content with. I would be upset if someone called someone I loved spoilt, a gaslighter, a liar etc … if I’d caused that, I’d question myself, but you haven’t.

If you’re happy with your behaviour fighting to defend yourself at all costs and never sticking up for your child, that’s on your conscious, not mine.

@Tinycatclub you’re hilarious at this point. Genuinely 😂

Yes it is! Actions speak louder than words. OP just wants her daughter to grovel to feed her ego

Exactly!

Haha it gets better - my personal favourite now is the suggestion that I want an apology to “feed my ego”. How utterly peculiar. Keep them coming. I’m genuinely entertained. It really does take all sorts doesn’t it 😂

I have a lovely summer wardrobe of dresses that get worn a couple of times each year.
They have lovely memories attached to them, have a lovely cut and style to them.
I do feel a happy attachment to them.

I would no more pass on my daughters clothes, or put them in a charity bag witgout her agreement.

Imagine if the OP did that!
There would be a huge appalled response.

I know my daughter would be rightly pissed off with me.

I do hope OP that you do point out to her just how upset a person might be in this situation.

A friend that didn't even apologise?
I'd be giving them a very wide berth.

You’ve been ranting on here for three hours straight.

Yeah I think a lot of young people think their mum is just a resource. They don't really see mums as real people with needs or wants or possessions of their own. Our stuff is their stuff. My guess is that when you were telling your daughter you wanted the dress back, she wasn't listening to that part because it's not the part that benefitted her. Normal for our kids but they do need to grow out of it.